Help Help I’m melting!
Well it is eleventy hundred degrees. And I am cranky as shit cause of the sweaty breasticles thing. But I am melting in another way.
Ding Dong the witch is dead kinda melting.
I have lost my biatch on heels factor. Cause I am not able to wear said heels.
I usually strut around the office in my power suit and fucking killer heels. I am a force to be reckoned with.
I am woman hear me, well fucking STRUT.
Now, I am a pathetic limping ball of sympathy vote.
Limping around the office with people offering to hold shit for me and get shit for me and fucking making those hound dog freaking faces at me.
And ‘fuck you and the donkey your rode in on’ loses its power when you are limping around in, very cute I might add, flats. One shoe on the other off.
I have even lost my power on the phone. Talking to clients, the confidence and forcefulness is gone.
Some fucker even called me sweetie.
Then there are the dicks that take the opportunity to get their own back.
Instant messages of:
‘That’ll teach you to kick MPS around’
‘Come and visit me at my desk (on the next floor) Oh, sorry, I forgot, YOU ARE CRIPPLED! LMAO’
and
‘Wanna come and get coffee? No? Too far to walk? I will enjoy mine then!’
Fucking asshats. Wait till this freaking toe is healed and I will be wearing my most kick arse heels and coming after you.
And your dog.
Then… OH THEN… just to make matters worse and to rub salt into the festering wound, I fainted.
I fucking fainted.
It was only for a second. And I was able to regain my composure (and thank CHRIST I was sitting down) without too much fuss or skirt over the head embarrassment.
Apparently hobbling takes a lot of energy. And I haven’t been giving my body any energy. And apparently bodies don’t like that. So they keel over and force you to eat a whole freaking bag of lolly snakes.
And that grey colour that my skin turned clashes terribly with my outfit.
But no matter. Tomorrow is the most exciting day of the year. The most fabulous day, so fabulous in fact that the whole state has a public holiday to celebrate it. And a festival and street parades.
The whole state celebrates the birth of the fabulousness that is moi.
But, like the Queen, the public holiday is not on my actual birthday. It was Monday. My birthday is tomorrow. Cause who wants the whole freaking tribe home on their birthday? Fuck that. They can go to school and work and I can sit on my arse all day and eat chocolate. And perhaps go to lunch. Or not.
Cause it is my day. And on my day I am a princess God damnit!
And so is Gina. Happy birthday for Sunday babe.
And Kelly’s was last week. And all Kelly/Kelley/Kelli’s are fabulous. It is a law.
And Sunshine. She made this pretty shiny thing for all of us celebrating our fabulousness in March.
And Sunshine’s birthday is the 13th. Technically that makes us twins cause we are both turning the same age and when it turns the 13th here, it is still the 12th there and that makes Sunshines head hurt.
But I get it. And it is all perfectly reasonable in my head. Smootches fellow fabulous chick.
So any other fabulous biatches born around now? And look out tomorrow for my birthday tribute to myself letter. Planning on getting shit faced on wine tonight and drafting it. Should be um, interesting…
Edited to add:
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! I forgot the ever fabulous Bettina! Smootches babe, you know I loves ya!
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33 Responses to “Help Help I’m melting!”
March 11th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
I was about to cry!! but now I shant. And I shall gloat over my fabulous pandora bracelet hubby did buy for me.
March 11th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Happy Birthday for tomorrow!
People need to hassle you when you’re down - they don’t get any other opportunity to get past your fabulousness. You’re still awesome.
March 11th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
wishing you the bestest birthday sweetie.. and i hope that when your toe is better that you will be back to kicking some butt…
from one march birthday girl to another have a great day.
nicole
March 11th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Happy Birthday. And many more.
March 11th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Happy Birthday to you,….. I must remember to return here tomorrow, could make interesting reading!
March 11th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
I hope your toe gets better soon for everyones sake!!
Have the best birthday ever tomorrow!
March 11th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Happy Birthday for tomorrow. And all Kelli’s/Kelleys or however you want to spell it are definitely fantabulous especially when they are born in March. Hmmm, must have been something in the water in March that called to our mothers as that is at least 3 of us that I know of born in the first half of March. Will have to think more on this….
Oh, and hopefully you will be able to jam that sore toes in some kick arse shoes on your next working day!
March 11th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
speaking of snakes… the lolly kind. I have recently discovered the homebrand type only sold in the woolworths supermarkets.. are the all time best snakes ever… I am a connoisseur.. trust me. they are better than allens and better than the natural confectionary co.. and and and
gaaasp sacriledge they are better than clinkers..
If you cant get them there I will send you a packet or four for your Birthday..
(((hugs)) kim…
ps.. I still can’t bring myself to talk about the ‘golden child’ I had fun looking for frogs though… *sigh*
March 11th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Bettina: oh *swoon* I so want one of those! After I saw Gemisht’s one I showed MPS. He went out at 6pm tonight to buy me something after I threatened to separate his balls from his body. With a nail file. What the fuck is open at 6pm on a Tuesday night? And I didn’t forget you totally, just thought I put your name in and then when I went back to check I realised I didn’t! But I made up for it didn’t I?
Naomi: Oooh I like you! I think I will keep you
Nicole: Happy birthday to you too!!!
River: Thanks babe.
Sueblimely: Or totally unreadable…
Casdok: Bwaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaa! Yes, I am rather unbearable at the best of times.
Kelli: It does seem odd. I had a friend that shared both my first and middle name born in March too. Perhaps march of the Kelly gang? I used to get asked all the time if I was named after Ned.
Frogpondsrock: No. Not possible. Better than natural confectionery co? And *boggle* Clinkers? Will have to try them out and let you know.
Hugs re the golden child. Seems a lot of us know a few of them.
March 11th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
BLack and Gold frogs are excellent - I think you get them at Coles, BiLo maybe….. not sure but they are excellent. If you like frogs instead of snakes.
At least Bettina can wear her bloody Pandora - still waiting to get the right size for mine. Bugger, bugger, damn, shit, running out of patience.
Looking forward to tomorrow. And whats the bracelet that you mentioned on Lightening’s blog - is someone making it for you - details girl, details.
Hope you’re OK after the fainting. Not something that I have tried. Thank goodness. Just make sure that you keep eating frogs/snakes/clinkers to keep up your energy.
March 11th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Happy Birthday!
There’s got to be some type of alcohol that you can inject directly into your veins that will prevent future fainting spells….
March 11th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Bring on the week of birthday celebrations I say. That fainting thing was just to give you sick leave for tomorrow - I know;-) Good to see damaged toe hasn’t had any affect on hilarious writing!
March 12th, 2008 at 12:14 am
Happy birthday. Get better. There is nothing worse than Foot & Mood Disease.
March 12th, 2008 at 12:56 am
My entire post tomorrow is dedicated to our twin on opposite sides of the planet birthday thing. Because it’s all about you, dude.
March 12th, 2008 at 1:19 am
I could tell by the number of “shit”s that you didn’t mean to forget me
I hope you get a bracelet too hon, and a better toe, and some arse kicking done and……..
just everthing a gorgeous, fantabulous soul such as yourself could desire……… or at the very least a semi peaceful day and some chocolate to go with your wine!
March 12th, 2008 at 3:27 am
Just hang in there and keep fantasising about the day you come after those feckers in your high heels… Maybe you can try stamping on a few feet when it arrives, break a few other people’s toes, then you’ll see who’s laughing and enjoy sweet revenge!
In the meantime, I recommend gorging yourself with cake and chocolate and wine…
Mwa ha ha haaargh!
Cheers
BC
March 12th, 2008 at 3:35 am
Happy Happy Early Birthday my dearest!
And may I say that the most FABULOUS people are born in March?
March 12th, 2008 at 4:33 am
Happy….
Oh wait, I’ll come back tomorrow.
March 12th, 2008 at 5:34 am
The foot sounds bad, but the fainting sounds worse. Are you eating? Don’t make me mail chicken soup to Australia. Eat!
March 12th, 2008 at 6:20 am
[…] BIRTHDAY KELLEY !!!! Posted on March 12, 2008 by widdleshamrock It is Magneto Bold’s birthday […]
March 12th, 2008 at 6:39 am
Sweetness and light !!!!!
Happy birthday. On behalf of the Coven, we have a birthday message for you over at my place. Come shake your booty over there.
Hope you get your Indian. (Dinner that is)
March 12th, 2008 at 7:03 am
fainting? breaking toes?
bloody attention seeker…
March 12th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Ding Dong the…
Gebus, don’t scare me like that. *takes pulse*
M’dear. There is no way on earth that you have lost your inner biatch. Dismiss that silly thought and eat more chocolate.
Flat heels *sigh* I know. *nods*
Slutty red lipstick. It compensates for the ’sensible shoes’
Now practice this - it will restore your essence of biatch on heels:
Purse your lips and slooooooooooowly say - Screw you, dripping sphincter.
You will feel so much better.
Now let’s get to the good shit - IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!
Indian waiter, you know you want to.
Failing that, make MPS crawl around on all fours obeying your every command.
You can still put killer heels on one foot for him to kiss.
March 12th, 2008 at 7:33 am
Have a wonderful birthday tomorrow!!
March 12th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Have a wonderful birthday…. and enjoy your hot waiter… I mean Indian food. Make sure he sees your limping. He’s someone who you probably wouldn’t mind showing you some sympathy.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:07 am
oooo hot waiter day!!! yeeehaaaa!!!
Wonder if you could get hot waiter to carry you to the table……. you know……. on account of your injured toe and all………… could be an added benefit you hadn’t considered? You have to hold on while you are being carried you know? Real TIGHT. So what if you hands slips to his arse as he puts you down. Ooops!
Have a great birthday babe!
March 12th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Gemisht: Will try the frogs. I loves me some lollies! Rat fuck sonofabitch re the Pandora bracelet, they are truly drool worthy, I get the second best thing cause my bestie is making me a bracelet and she is sooooo talented. I can’t wait!
Alison: seems the caffeine infusion may not be enough. Might have to research your suggestion
Joh: I work part time so it is my day off anyway!
Iceel: Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaa!!!!
Sonia: Yep. It is all about me, and therefore you, my twin.
Bettina: I sent the kids to school, pissed off the husband and sitting here with coffee and chocolate… and a PINK IPOD!! SQUEEEEEEE!!!
BC: Oh yes, there will be some serious arse kicking and chasing around with spiked heels once I am healed, I can assure you!
Gina: Oh yes, us March girls are FABULOUS! Smootches.
Magpie: *snort*
Beth: When I am stressed I forget to eat. Which slows down my metabolism and makes me fucking put weight on!!! Argghhhh!!!!
Widdle Shamrock: Thanks babe! Will be over soon.
Xbox4NappyRash: *snort* Oh yeah. I do it for attention. Like laying down on the floor and tantruming when I don’t get my own way
Anja: I still have the death stare. Even if I look pathetic I can destroy someone with a look. Such a wonderful gift. Hmmmm… might make MPS into My Personal Slave tonight…
Jenty: Thanks babe! I will.
Ange: The thing that sucks is we are getting it take out. Cause Boo wouldn’t cope. But no matter, my bestie and I are going to go next week.
Bettina: *swoon*
March 12th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Oh I hope your toe heals quick smart - sounds like your feet need to be back into fabulousness as soon as possible! I’m guessing I shouldn’t send a pair of crocs….? Nah, thought not!
Happy Birthday - and I hope you don’t mind sharing the men that WS sent you… they’ll be on my PC all day
BTW: like that law of yours…. come share my birthday in May
March 12th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
[…] It’s Kelley’s birthday today. So I thought I’d do a birthday animation for her too, cos I’m a cheapass and couldn’t be bothered sending pressies. […]
March 12th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I made you some birthday bling. Hope you enjoy it
March 12th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Wow fainting! Very impressive.
Hope MPS brings something other than cookies.
March 12th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Happy birthday Kelley - hope you get some worthy surprises !
March 16th, 2008 at 4:21 am
Aw, shoot! I missed it
Happy happy belated day to you!
Hope it was fabulous!!!
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