Unlike the Bloggess, I will give you ninja.
Yeah, Jenny was all ‘I will give you ninjas’ and played it up all week.
Well it is Sunday and no freaking ninja.
And by the way, it is ninja. Not ninjas or ninji or those freaky hooded bastards that appear and eat all the guacamole, scare the bunneh and leave the toilet seat up.
Anyway, ninja and Jenny? Not so much. Not AT ALL!
Man, was I pissed, cause everyone that knows me knows that I loves me some Ninja.
So this morning my family did the ultimate in Mothers Day pampering.
They dressed as Ninja.
Ninja cooked me breakfast. Ninja served me bacon and egg muffins and chocolate dipped strawberries.
Ninja played with my Wii Fit. Squeeeeee, my friends, I love my Wii Fit. I had a little wee fit when I got it, and after I showered I played and played and played.
And it was epic in its awesomenticity (I am angling for a google top spot for awesomenicity too)
But back to the Ninja.
I took photos of the Ninja. Today I was to give you Ninja. But my blog had other plans. It was playing funny buggers and then fucking Firefox had a hissy fit about the eleventy hundred tabs I had open - sheesh what a pussy that Firefox is, it was all ‘ooooh I can’t handle all this shit I am going to freeze and piss you off’ and it did - and it lost my post that I was perfecting.
So no ninja for you. Come back tomorrow. Or the next day. But there will be ninja.
Cause I ain’t no blog tease like Jenny.
In other news, let this be a warning to you all. You know how I foolishly blogged while intoxicated last night? Well Huckdoll did last night (early evening for me, 2am for her) and stupidly Twittered that she was about to live blog.
Like a red rag people.
So go and read her post. And the first 20 or so comments. Man, is she gunna regret that in the morning. Oh and the comment about the chick taking a dump on the toilet while I WAS ON THE PHONE TO HER? True story people. And I know she is reading this… and girl, that is ALL KINDS OF WRONG.
Popularity: 11% [?]
You know you are addicted to blogging when…
Hmmm…
MPS walked in with tulips and chocolate. I grabbed my phone and took photos BEFORE I said thankyou.
Moo turned to him and said ‘She is so blogging your good deed Dad!’ as I downloaded it via bluetooth…
See?
****************
MPS trying to convince me to buy him an iphone.
‘You could blog about it’
****************
Moo said something totally random while I was dyeing her hair:
Me: So this is the random thoughts thread huh?
Moo: Fair is. Isn’t it bizarre that we are having this conversation IRL (yes, she said IRL!) and we both know what the other is talking about. Like forums and stuff.
Me walking out to check on Boo screaming: BRB
Moo: You are an hero Mum.
****************
My brother, AKA the Golden Child, just rang. He is in Perth on ‘training’. He wanted my parents home address.
I was all ‘I don’t freaking know. I GO THERE, I don’t send ‘em stuff’
And he was all ‘Well you should know, what sort of daughter doesn’t know her parents address?’
And I am all ‘Well they live in the middle of frigging NOWHERE, dick, so it is like, turn left at the big tree’
And he is all ‘Yeah, real helpful there, Kelley’
And I am all ‘Fucking bite me arsehat’
And he is all ‘Who fucking says ‘arsehat’ any way, and what is this ‘and I am all‘ shit. You sound like one of those Valley girls or those crazy Mommy Bloggers’
And I am all ‘Yeah, whatever arsehat’
And then I woke up from the day dream, still listening to The Golden Child rabble on about how I should know where mum and dad live and I call him arsehat anyway.
Cause I know that The Golden Child ain’t hip with the happenin’ thang to know what a Mommy Blogger is anyway.
And I am all smug about that. And I go and Twitter his arsehattyness.
And yes, that is so a word. My blog is the number one Google search for it.
See?
and that makes me more awesomer than you.
And this has to be the world record of sentences started with ‘And’ and typed one handed.
And yes, alcohol was involved in the production of this quality post.
And all comments need to be prefaced with ‘and I am all’ K?
Popularity: 20% [?]
This is the way it is goin’ down, yo.
Dear Family,
Sunday.
Mothers Day.
Day of mother worship.
Mother. That would be ME.
You know, that chick that does your washing and feeds you and drives you around and shit? Yeah, well she wants a freaking day off. And that day is gunna be Sunday.
And this is the way it is goin’ down.
Sunday morning, I ain’t getting up till I am READY to get the fuck up.
I don’t care if Boo has painted the walls in his own excrement or has eaten half a jar of peanut butter with a twig he found in the garden, or if you are hungry or your favourite *insert some article of clothing that from the piles and piles on your floordrobe you have decided is essential to your very exsistence to wear today here* is missing or has a stain or your sister/father/brother/bunny is wearing, DO NOT wake me.
And Moo and Too? You are taller than me. So this burnt toast, soggy eggs shit doesn’t wash with me anymore. I ain’t choking down a crappy breakfast and watery freaking coffee any more. I want good stuff. Cooked properly.
Hmmmm…
I am thinking poached eggs, yolk still a little runny on an English muffin with wilted baby spinach and mushrooms, juice, latte and chocolate dipped strawberries.
Brought to me HOT when I deem it acceptable. And not in bed. I hate eating in bed. I have always hated eating in bed and I especially hate eating soggy eggs and burnt toast in bed with 3 bouncing children. I think it is time you knew…
And MPS, you don’t get off lightly. Yes, Boo bought me some shit at the school Mothers Day stall with the money that I GAVE HIM. That is really cute and sweet and whatevz, but buddy? If that is all I get then this year I am goin’ all postal. I will remove your testicles, dry ‘em out like this:
and give them to my mother as earrings. Oh yeah.
And I wanna see receipts. Lots of ‘000’s. Capisce?
Oh, and before I start my list of demands wish list, I will warn you. Yeah, it would be all funny and shit to buy me a pair of crocs or those fucking fur lined bastards, but I am telling you now, we have a big back yard. The ground is soft from all the rain. And I need some upper body exercise. Are we clear? Blood and bone is brilliant fertilizer so I have heard…
MOTHERS DAY WISH LIST
(photos while wandering the isles of Kmart today with Boo):
Wii Fit.
Yes, I do realise that I will have to share.
socks, I want some cute socks to keep my feet warm while I lounge with my feet up reading blogs work on the computer.
notice they are 20% OFF! See I really do care about our finances…
chocolate
well derr…
Kitchen Aid Espresso Machine
a girl can dream can’t she? It would look so purdy on my bench next to Mia the matching mixer…
tulips
*swoon* I loves me some purple tulips.
never ending cups of these…
And everyone at my beck and call.
I need a tissue? It is here before I realise I need it.
Hugs and kisses to be administered every hour.
TV is MINE! I am watching me some Dexter and you will Shut The Fuck Up. I don’t wanna know unless you are bleeding profusely, and you can’t clean it up faster than it is pumping out. And then go to your father…
….and finally. I am not cooking. At all. All day. I am not setting foot in the kitchen, except to inspect your handiwork in cleaning it.
Love,
Your loving wife and mother
xx
To be honest internets, I would be happy with:
and not having to do any dishes.
Happy Mothers Day to all the mummies out there! Hope you have a wonderful relaxing day with people you love. Or at least tolerate. Guys spoil your woman and call your mother. On the telephone. And if your mother is no longer with us, think of her on Sunday and spoil your woman even more.
Cause a happy woman is a horny woman.
Peace out yo.
Popularity: 27% [?]
I am a woman of my word, Iceel you bastard.
Alternate title:
The post where I go all mummy gooey, ask for a favour and then show my boobies.
Before my breasticles, an actual post.
Boo had a wonderful time at camp. I drove the hair raising drive out to the secluded camp, in the middle of freaking NOWHERE with hills that rivaled rollercoasters in the fucking RAIN, and found him doing archery. Well I heard him first, yelling at the kids to stand where he deemed necessary and basically ruling the roost. As usual.
He came running to me.
*insert silly giggly mess of a Mummy here*
And then he showed me around. Smiling and happy and proud of himself.
And he is going back tomorrow. And tomorrow he wants to do the ‘zip wire’ and I am all ‘um no’ and whispering to his aide ‘No. Freaking. Way.’ and she is all ‘Way, Kelley’ and I am all ‘I know where you live woman’
Yeah, the kid is smiling. Right before the rope snaps and she goes hurtling into a tree. ( I stole this pic from the net, cause the zip wire at camp is impossible to see through all the trees! and branches! and other obstacles that will remove a limb! )
Then Boo and I went shopping. And he helped me load the groceries on the belt.
Loudly playing Tetris with them. I guess the people around us have never played Tetris cause they were all looking at me funny while I rolled around the floor laughing.
While I was rolling around with mirth I got a call on my mobile.
Moo has a job interview this afternoon here:
So send some good vibes for her people. It would be awesome if she got this job because then she can leave me the fuck alone. And I can choose another mantra than ‘Get. A. Job’ when she starts with the whining. The law says I have to provide you with food and shelter. You are lucky it is not bread, twigs and a rubber band, biatch.
And while you are piling on the lurve go and vote for my caption here at Mattress Police. Awsome blog with a blogger, Diesel, that knows a cool chick when he sees one. Oh and Grundir, his evil meme wraithing undeadness, *swoon* I loves me a man in black that smells of death and failure. So go over there, vote for moi so I can win some lame arsed button and run around screaming ‘In your face, In your face!’ to the non-plussed bunny and the naked-sultana-stealing boy.
And now we come to the end of the post. Sorta like this book from my childhood:
Scared?
Now this is not a gratuitous boob shot. I challenged lceel in my comments. This is how it went down. How I ended up flashing my lovelies in this post.
In this post lceel commented :
“You do realize, of course, that your karma is not going to let yo get over this shit you’re suffering until such time as “I” am included on your blogroll. Or you send me a naked picture.”
I was all ‘I have a boob shot that I sent to Fab. Will that do? (*snigger* checking to see if you read my comments in the comments, if you reply I will post the pic on my blog)’
Andrew chimed in with:
“Iceel,
hey, there’s a line for naked pictures, get to the back of the queue 
Cheers, Andrew”
and then I think everyone emailed him to tell him to come back and respond with:
“I ALWAYS check the comments. And I am willing to wait in line, as Andrew suggests. It’s YOUR karma, after all. And your naked picture.”
Damn.
So here are my lovelies. As entered in Mr Fabulous’ boobie competition. Which by the way, I got like NO votes cause I didn’t pimp for them. That’s right innit Fab? You would have totally voted for mine wouldn’t you?
Like how arty it is, all B&W? Even the fact that I said ‘B&W’ instead of black and white just shows how freaking classy I am. And ‘X marks the nipple’? That was totally Fab’s doing…
And now that Karma thing? I am expecting to win the lotto this weekend lceel.
Mumma needs a big arsed house.
Popularity: 33% [?]
