Do they come as a pendant? Or I could always lick one of those lamps that have magical powers…
MPS went and got some hot chips from the Fish and Chip shop to go with the meat I had cooking in the crockpot cause I couldn’t be fucked was too busy to cook anything to go with it.
Apparently there was salad too. Meh.
After eating only the hot chippy goodness a healthy well balanced meal I wandered into the kitchen to find the chip wrapping open on the counter. I stood mesmerised scraping the salty fat laden crumbs off the paper.
*groan*
That shit is good. Hot chippy salty goodness. I contemplated bending down to lick the paper, but someone walked into the kitchen thought better of it.
I love me some salt. I should totally get my own salt lick. My horse, Kallina, had one, and you should have seen her eyes roll back in her head when she licked that shit. Horse crack.
I could wear it around my neck. It could be the next big thing.
Speaking of big things, tonight the chick I ordered fairy floss and popcorn making shit from (cause NO ONE had the machines available for this weekend. Oh, except for the guy who had one in his shed and would let me have it for $130 for the day, with enough sugar to make 4 fucking hundred serves AND I had to pick up, drop off and clean the fucker BEFORE I used it) dropped it off. Nice woman, her name is Kelly, so of course she would have to be fucking awesome. The side of her face was dropped, like she had had an accident or a stroke or something. Boo wandered out and started giving her a quizzical look. I was all fuck fuck fuck he is going to say something, fuck fuck fuck. He looks right at her, points to her and says:
‘How much do you weigh?’
Um. That was worse. Damn kid.
Expect more of this brain-fartyness over the next few days while I lose my fucking mind am busy preparing for this party, and Moo starting her exams, and working longer hours. I will be updating the party blog sporadically over the next few weeks with party stuff, recipes and shit.
Oh and don’t forget to anti rain vibes for Sunday. It can be fucking torrential rain after 5pm Sunday my time. KTHXBAI.
Popularity: 29% [?]
How about I call this ‘the one where Kelley tempts fate’.
Forgive me internetz for I have sinned.
I don’t know what the fuck it is that I did. But the MoFo must have been huge dude, cause the shit keeps hitting the fan and spraying the walls.
And I am out of disinfectant.
Day SIX of vomiting and arse exploding. And last week it was the flu.
But that is not the worst of it.
Two weeks leave to completely declutter our house and prepare for the party and I have had a total of one fucking DAY without someone home needing attention.
But that is not the worst of it.
Dyeing my hair on the weekend a lovely warm brown with golden highlights and it came out black. Black. Fuckit.
But that is not the worst of it.
Finding a bucket kicked over on the carpet that was full of vomit. And now is not.
But that is not the worst of it.
Boo changing his fucking mind every five minutes about what he wants for his party.
But that is not the worst of it.
The worst is I saw the weather forecast for Sunday. The day of Boo’s birthday extravaganza, a carnival party with 40 kids with lots of outside water based games. You know where I am going with this don’t you…
I mean, come on universe! Would it fucking KILL YOU to allow the day of Boo’s big ‘thankyou to all the awesome kids at Boo’s school for being so tolerant and wonderful and caring’ party to be the only fucking day of the month to RAIN?
I know we are in a drought. And we had like the driest month on fucking record. But fuck me dead universe, just one day, one day, after all we have been through this year, just make this one day sunny and warm?
I have put up with you flinging your shit at me all my fucking life year, smiling and nodding ‘Nice one, Centurion. Like it. Like it’, picking myself up and dusting off and getting on with the new path you have set for me. But dude, cut me a break. This is all about Boo. And his wonderful tolerant friends. This party is im-fucking-portant.
So this is what I want, nay demand. A sunny, warm day. No wind. All the kids come, have a wonderful time and know that we are truly thankful for having them in Boo’s life. The party will be a rousing success.
You hear me?
You hear me, universe? I have had enough of your shit dude. You will do this.
Now excuse me, I feel queasy all of a sudden and need to find a bucket.
*shakes fist at the roof*
So anyone know an anti rain dance? Cause 40 kids, 10+ adults in my house the day before I start my new job with almost double the hours and Moo starts her VCE exams is not a good idea. I could do with some positive vibes here my lovelies cause I am at the end of my fucking rope. My vomit covered rope.
Popularity: 32% [?]
The big one ohhhh!
My Boo turned 10 today.
Yes. The day after Moo. One day I will tell you the tale of me ripping my OB a new arse with his 5 iron when he tried to insist that my uterus be unzipped on Moo’s birthday…
This morning, as I lay beside him after being bellowed for at 6am (while I was icing the cupcakes for school, yeah, at six freaking AM people! My love and devotion knows no bounds) I marveled that he was now ‘2 digits’.
‘I am not 2 digits Mummy! I am the big one ohhhhhhh! A decade!’
Yup, dude. The big one ohhhhh!
*sob*
He opened his gifts while a couple of buckets were handy for MPS, Moo and Too who have caught Boo’s vomiting bug.
He lost his freaking MIND when he opened this:
Remember Christmas time when he wanted HyperDash? He STILL plays with it! Takes it to school at least once a week :) This is the same sorta thing. Oh how I love you Hyper people!
and this:
How freaking awesome are these. Electronic drumsticks. Big HUGE smootches to my girl Amanda for telling me about these. Amanda you freaking ROCK!
not so much with this:
and I sent him off to school with these:
to share with his classmates. Gluten, milk and colour free for the win! All FORTY of them.
While he was at school and the vomiting hordes were either fouling the toilet or sleeping with their heads in buckets I made this:
He relented and allowed me to make a little cake. With the mini cake tin. What you can’t see is a little fondant plaque with his name in Hebrew. Cause Boo is all over the Hebrew, my lovelies. You know with him being a French Israeli with an American accent…
Then I cleaned the vomit and bottom explosions off every freaking surface of the bathroom and twittered this:
Which none of them read. Seeing they don’t actually follow me on Twitter and were asleep cradling buckets.
Bastards.
So I pulled apart a cupboard that contains random shit all the craft/party/sewing/wherethefuckshouldthisgoIdunnojustchuckitinthehallcupboard before setting up for Boo’s Birthday Dinner. Murphy laughed and laughed and then choked on his own spit from the laughing cause the SECOND I had everything pulled out of the cupboard I got a call. From school. Seems Boo’s arse exploded. Come pick him up and consider burning his uniform.
Fab.
So I picked him up and he was fine. And we got to spend some lovely cuddly time together.
Me and my Boo.
My Ten. Year. Old. Boo.
*sob*
Happy Birthday my gorgeous boy. I love you past the furthest star and past the furthest planet.
Popularity: 34% [?]
Seventeen
Today you turn seventeen.
My baby. My first born.
Seventeen.
That little blonde girl is now practically a woman.
I see glimpses of that girl in your smile, when you are concentrating, or when you are sleeping.
I see glimpses of me at your age, a world full of possibilities and excitement.
Today, on your birthday, you are not here. You are rockin’ it with your girls in the city. A band chick. A band chick with black and green hair, dark eyeliner rimming your grey-blue eyes and a bright pink Birthday Girl badge clipped to your hip.
You will spend your special day doing something you love. The way it should be. No birthday cake. No special birthday dinner. You are a grown up now.
When the hell did that happen?
I still remember when you were born. Thirty eight hours of labour, every intervention known to man before a caesarian. I was laying on the table, Dad at my side. We were both terrified. We just wanted you to be OK. Then all of a sudden there was a cry and you were bundled up and brought to us.
And we cried.
You were finally here. All banged up with your two tiered head from the vacuum extraction that went wrong, a cut on your face from the failed forceps delivery, but you were the most beautiful thing on earth. Staring at us with wary eyes, which is not surprising after all you went through.
And now, all of a sudden, you are seventeen.
We have grown up together. You have taught me so much. About patience and tolerance and how to let go. And I am trying. As you approach your final year of highschool, I am trying to let you go into the world. Cut those damn apron strings.
I can still see that little girl looking up at me. That little girl. My first born. I miss you needing me.
But I love the amazing person you have become.
Happy Birthday my angel,
Mummy
xx
Popularity: 33% [?]
Found on Boo’s computer.
What the hell?
I always knew that Laa Laa was a freaky one…
Boo turns everything into a Teletubbies movie. First there was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Teletubbies (click here to see the awesome pic he did in powerpoint), then there was Resident Evil Teletubbies Madness - complete with zombie Tubbies and now he is working on his Michael Jackson masterpiece.
I have Boo home sick today. So while he finishes off his movie, between spraying the walls in vomit, and I clean said vomit I have a request of you all. Boo’s party is a Carnival Party, I have a few sideshow games organised but I have come up against a creative brick wall.
So my lovelies, what Carnival games would you, if you were a 10 year old, like to play?
Popularity: 37% [?]
Noooooooo!!!!!!! *sob*
Boo doesn’t want a Birthday Cake.
Those of you that have known me for a while will know I am all about the birthday cake. And just in the last week I have discovered fondant.
And my heart sang. Cause dude, that shit is GLUTEN FREE and MILK FREE and fuck me dead has no artificial shit in it.
Who knew?
All these years I have been struggling with your basic icing shit, piping and smoothing, decorating cakes that have taken me MONTHS (OK, hours) to make when I could have just rolled out that shit and cut it? Why didn’t anyone tell me?
Next… fuck THIS week, is mammoth birthday week. Starting with my Daddy on Thursday, Moo on Sunday and Boo on Monday. And I had all the cakes planned baby.
Dad tells me he doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday this year (the whole dead father thing, whose birthday is… oh FUCK, the same day as Boo’s party. Shoot me.) but Godammit I already had his cake planned.
OK. I can deal. *sob*
Then Moo is all ‘I don’t want to spend my birthday with you freakshows, I am going to a concert in the city and BTW I need you to drive me to the train station at 6am Sunday morning’
What? No waking you up with Marilyn Monroe’s version of Happy Birthday? No special breakfast? WHAT? No fucking CAKE!!!
*rock rock rock*
I was sitting on the couch with my Boo, trying to explain that he cannot grow shorter and no, the Jews are not partial to Christmas trees, and dude, I don’t know how to say hot dog in Hebrew, when he announced he didn’t want a birthday cake.
I was all ‘WTF?’ and threw a million ideas his way. All his favourite things in cake form. Hell, even cupcakes dude. Just let me stay up all night making you a freaking cake! Pleeeeeeeeeease!
Nope.
Boo does not care for the Happy Birthday song. To say that is an understatement. Just the sight of a group of people surrounding a cake with candles sends him into a tail spin. We leave birthday parties before cake. I mean it is not as if he can eat the fucker anyway…
Let me paint a scene of how much Boo despises the off key celebration of the birthday recipient. Too’s birthday party. 20 odd kids, half of which had not met the awesomeness that is Boo. They start singing. Too has a look of utter terror on her face. Boo comes flying into the room hysterically screaming, making a bee line to destroy the cake that is causing the singing. I tackle him to the ground while he screams and punches and kicks and fucking BITES me.
*crickets*
‘Just finish the song for Gods sake’ I mutter through clenched teeth while taking a punch to the eye for the cause.
Cause, dammit, he doesn’t like the song but you don’t even wanna KNOW what would happen if you didn’t finish the fucking thing.
So the group of terrified tweens finish the song and slink outside. Too with her face burning comes over where Boo is starting to calm down. I start to apologise to her. She leans over and whispers to Boo…
‘Are you OK mate?’ and gave him a hug.
And my heart swelled with pride and pain. Much worse than any freaking kidney punch could do. But dammit I was sore for a couple of days.
So, yeah, no Birthday song. But we always have cake! Pappa’s cake on the 23rd. Home party cake on 26th and 27th and then bigger cakes the following weekends for their parties.
But no-one wants a cake now. And I have all this fondant. And piping guns and mats and cutters and new cake pans and OMG it is so NOT FAIR!
*sob*
I am gunna make myself a damn cake. And it will be fucking awesome.
Pity I don’t like cake.
Popularity: 46% [?]
