Retiring my pron star status to become a Food Blogger chick. Awesome.
So like, minutes after I posted that last post E called me to say she was coming over.
E being the ‘my best friend’ from the last post.
E being the chick I haven’t seen in months and then just happens to call me after I post on my blog about her. And last time we went out and I mentioned my awesome internet stardom, the next day I had a butt load of hits on my blog looking for ‘Kelley’s blog’
But yeah, she is all ‘when are you going to tell me about your blog?’ and I am all ‘I know you are freaking reading it you Faker Mcfakerson, fess up!’ and she is all ‘what is this Faker Mcfackerson shit?’ and I am all ‘I totally stole it from some other blogger or something’ and she is all ‘Since when do you talk like a Valley Girl?‘
Anyway, she comes on over and I am staring at her belly all the time and thinking ’sheeeee-it she has either put on a fuck load of weight or she is pregnant’
And she was the latter. Fuck it. Who knew extreme jealousy could actually ooze out your ears…
So we decided to go out to dinner to celebrate. Celebrate the fact that she can drive and I can get absolutely fucking staggeringly drunk and eat all the damn soft cheese that I want.
Ommmmm nommmm nommmmm on the cheese biatch.
We decided to try the new fancy schmancy restaurant that opened 2 weeks ago out in the middle of a vineyard. In the middle of nowhere. That took us 4 wrong turns and almost going back to town to drive through KFC to find.
Finally we found it. In the middle of nowhere. A TIN FUCKING SHED.
I looked at E and said ‘I moisturised for this? It better be good’
So we were led to our table and the ‘trendy’ chairs which equal un-fucking-comfortable fake leather that makes my thighs sweat glisten, and I give E that look, the look that would be totally awesome if I could actually lift my eyebrows independently and not look like a botox victim.
The waitress brings us the menus, E asks if we can order anything from the menu and the girl is all ‘yes’ and giving E that look that I cannot perfect, so I look at her sweetly and say ‘Even breakfast?’ and she is all ‘No’.
Idiot.
We peruse the starters and entrees. Considering the cheapest thing is some bread with herbs and cheese at 11 bucks we decide to split one cause the girl tells us it is a small loaf. I order my main and wander over to the bar while E chooses from the specials menu.
I buy a bottle of red that promises hints of blackberry and chocolate and a lemonade for E. Bwaaaaa haaaa haaaaaaa at the lemonade preggo biatch. All the wine is mine.
No sooner do I sit down than the starter arrives. And that motherfucker is HOT. I have like, asbestos hands, and that shit still hurt trying to pull it apart.
And the cheese? Hmmm, I don’t see no stinking cheese. Or herbs. WTF?
Seconds later our mains arrive. Um. What? Did you even have TIME to get back to the kitchen?
Mine was a risotto something or other with snow peas and chorizo. Big great hunks of fucking chorizo hidden at the bottom and tiny little slivers of snow peas. It had some fancy name, and while delicious, I could have done a damn sight better and probably fed the whole street for the $30 I paid.
E’s pregnancy brain kicked in and she ordered something from the lunch menu, chicken blah blah blah focaccia. Must have been some special freaking Christian Dior chicken, cause $20? And I think we found our cheese from the starter…
Hmmm pretty odd thing for a fancy schmancy restaurant. But then I look around. Bogans abound. Gnawing on their $30 steaks, chewing with their mouths open.
And I swear to God one guy had acid wash jeans on. His lay-dee wearing low rise jeans and a mid-drift top. I am feeling rather over dressed. But then the second glass of wine kicks in and I enjoy laughing openly at the other diners, E used to my madness and egging me on.
We stagger and waddle over to the dessert cabinet, make our selections and wander back, looking under tables for the ultimate in bogan wear - moccasins, uggs and crocs - but thankfully none to be found. This place must be rool classy like. To be fair, there is only one table of bogans and it looks like they are celebrating someones birthday.
After what feels like an age, compared to the seconds between the starter and main, our desserts arrive. On warm plates. E is non-plussed, I am rather pissed. It is a cold dessert and now the dollop of cream is melting.
E decided on the lemon tart. Cause she is one.
I finally settled on the pecan and white chocolate tart. Cause I am awesome.
We closed our eyes while paying the bill and returned to my house to find Boo in bed and MPS snoring on the couch. I went to bed soon after E left to dream of being a food blogger.
Tomorrow I will show you how to make toast and open a bag of chips.
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35 Responses to “Retiring my pron star status to become a Food Blogger chick. Awesome.”
September 27th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Mmm.. I want those desserts. I could pass on the rest, but the desserts I want.
Mmm… food pron!!
(Reckon the tinternet perfferts will ever wise up, and start searching for pron instead?)
*is saying perfferts so you don’t get hits from peoples searching that word too.*
Realised I forgot…. FIRST COMMENT ISH MINE DUDES!
September 27th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Mmm, dessert looks good. The rest - meh.
Waiting with bated breath for the episode where Kelly the Food Pron star tells her adoring public how to open chips….oooh, I think i’ll go and try that recipe tonight!
September 27th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Damn. Now I’m hungry. For cheese. And risotto. And chorizo. And all sorts of other crap I don’t have.
Off to go google “10,000 things to do with sliced ham”.
September 27th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Oh…that white chocolate tart thing looks so good, I’d trade my children for it.
September 27th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Mmm, toast. I can’t wait.
September 27th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Pr0n stars never retire–they just get labia lifts and their tits reinflated and become pR0n directors. Or food bloggers. One or the other.
September 27th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Ahhh! Pregnant people everywhere! Its an invasion. We now both have best friends that are knocked up. Jealous much? =( I know I am.
September 27th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
I Loooove it when my friends are pregnant cause I get to bogart all the wine and all the massive amounts of food coming to our table appear to be for the one “eating for two”.
I also love your pron star series and the pics and commentary are so eloquent!
September 28th, 2008 at 12:02 am
Yeah! Good start, food critic. But you forgot to tell us where this place is, so that WE NEVER accidentally go there and pay $30 for RICE!
September 28th, 2008 at 12:22 am
Cool, cos toast making and chip bag opening are two skills that I want to make sure I have right………
September 28th, 2008 at 12:57 am
I think you could have a whole pron flick starring the white chocolate tart.
September 28th, 2008 at 1:09 am
I can’t boil water and I burn toast. Teach me o wise one.
September 28th, 2008 at 2:22 am
They must have imported the chorizo to have to charge so much for so little. I didn’t even see any in that pic.
September 28th, 2008 at 3:32 am
Okay, even though you said it wasn’t that good I still wanted it. I think I have an eating disorder.
September 28th, 2008 at 3:50 am
You make toast? Damn girl.
September 28th, 2008 at 5:26 am
will the toast be plain or have jam on it? do you aussies eat marmite? will it be marmite toast? because filming that will be totally AWESOME. you could even skip the chip bag opening demo because you know….toast WITH STUFF ON IT.
OMFG we could even start a website: Put stuff on my toast.
September 28th, 2008 at 7:19 am
THIRTY BUCKS FOR A RISOTTO????
Oh. sorry, I didn’t mean to shriek. But really… just how much does rice cost?? I’d be slugging down the wimne too if I had to pay that bill….
September 28th, 2008 at 7:20 am
Oops. Typo. It looks as if I already opened the bottle and started without you.
September 28th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Crikey Moses!
I could feed hr tribe on less and they’d be able to find the herbs and cheese in the blinkin’ bread!
September 28th, 2008 at 9:27 am
And I am so friggin’ hungry right now and staring at those nummies is NOT helping my diet - during which I have lost more than a bowling ball (ten pins) - 8.2 kilos, to be exact. 18 lbs. for those who are not kilo literate. I like you beter as a pron star.
September 28th, 2008 at 10:08 am
With the prices that high and the food quality that low, I’m hoping that, at the very least, the waiters were ogle-worthy and let you feel them up a bit.
September 28th, 2008 at 10:16 am
I’m new here, and I love it! I want a tart really bad now.
September 28th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Thanks, I’ll cook it myself and better. You can never have too much cheese. Or wine.
September 28th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I would LOVE to hang out w/you. Just saying.
September 28th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Wine with hints of blackberry and chocolate sounds wonderful,(was it?), and I’m not a wine drinker.
I can’t wait to learn how to make toast tomorrow. I’ve heard that it isn’t proper toast if you don’t have to scrape off a layer of burn, but mine just turns out evenly browned all the time. What am I doing wrong?
The risotto was probably so expensive because there’s currently a world shortage on rice for some reason that I can’t remember.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:05 am
Twenty bucks for a chicken sandwich?! I’d have pulled the whole “Hmm. We were supposed to meet someone. Guess they got lost…” and bailed before entrees!
However? There was wine. Wine is good. Yeah for wine!
September 29th, 2008 at 1:43 am
I think you missed your true calling as a food critic…I can see it woman..you’d be famous!
September 29th, 2008 at 2:32 am
Now I want a packet of decent crisps.
You can have anything you want, except breakfast. Hahaha. That was one expensive dinner. Ouchy.
September 29th, 2008 at 10:26 am
i’m hungry. this isn’t helping.
September 30th, 2008 at 10:41 am
I learned Oz lingo! Bogans? Even hubby loved that one. I hope despite the price, you enjoyed yourself.
September 30th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Mmmm, soft cheese.
September 30th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Dude, I see 1 snow pea
Your dessert looks bigger! I’d have to swing through KFC after that.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:59 am
Best bloody food blog I’ve read all year!
(Sorry the food sucked, but it was funny reading about it…)
October 2nd, 2008 at 11:49 am
Crouching Peas, Hidden Chorizo.
That is brilliant. I adore Chorizo. Chorizo and Egg Breakfast tacos from the little Mexi-hut down the road. Perfection.
Way too expensive, but being the sober with the preggers, totally worth it
Friends rock!
October 11th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Finally a food critic worth reading!!!! Very funny post…. I can imagine the “family birthday” sounds like something to be found at one of our local restaurants….. At least the deserts looked yummy
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