Be careful what you wish for.
Today I saw a man standing on the side of the road.
He was overweight. Scruffy. Wearing mismatched clothes and carrying a ragged backpack.
As I glanced over at him I noticed he was talking to himself. In a rather animated way, arms moving, head shaking.
He was standing there, waiting to cross the road. I was at the cross road, across the street from him waiting for a break in traffic to join the long stream of cars heading out of town.
I was transfixed. Looking at that man.
10 years ago I would have seen a crazy man yelling at the cars, never giving him another thought.
But today, with Boo sitting next to me nomming on the new duster I bought (sigh… should have bought two, one for the car and one for dinner) my heart lurches looking at that man in awe.
Independence. He has independence. No-one hovering, he is out alone, crossing the street alone, perhaps on the way to KFC directly opposite him. Just the busy highway away.
I imagine him going in and ordering. Paying for his food. Putting the rubbish in the bin and leaving to cross that road again to go home.
The cars are banking up behind me, Boo humming New York New York while ingesting the duster. I need to leave and stop watching and I reluctantly put the car in gear and move off.
Be careful what you wish for Kelley.
~~~~~~~~~~
We were pregnant together, my best friend and I. Baby books and bottles. We did it together. T rolled over and sat up and did all the milestones on time. Boo rolled over, crawled, cut his first tooth and recited the alphabet all at once, 8 months. Boo was writing his name obsessively at 12 months, T would only eat the chalk. My best friend thought that something was wrong with her daughter, I told her that T was normal. But secretly thought Boo was a genius.
One day we were chatting over coffee, T and Boo playing in the sand. T was eating it, Boo writing words with a stick. I told her that I wished he could stay this way forever. A baby. A toddler. Forever. I didn’t want him to grow up.
The day he was diagnosed with Autism I called her. She reminded me of that time.
‘Be careful what you wish for Kelley’
I am careful now.
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48 Responses to “Be careful what you wish for.”
September 25th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
You do profound very well, Kel. That one’s gonna stick with me for a while.
September 25th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
and then so many amazing things have happened for my little boy with the diagnosis… i marvel at how adult he is, and puzzle over the differences in behavior and pragmatic speech. this adorable jigsaw, this delightful melange of the mature and the infantile is mine. xoxo
September 25th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Hugworthy post!
September 25th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Well. I’m kind of stuck, wondering if your friend was an asshole for reminding you and saying, ‘be careful what you wish for.’ Really. I’m confounded.
September 25th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Oh, Kel. Beautifully written but sad all at the same time.
PS. What is a duster?
September 25th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Sometimes our youngest stay that way for a long time Kel, hey?
BTW - he was that boy already - pre-wish. I know you know that. But it feels superstitious in retrospect.
We’re having a time with our daughter at the moment….staying young, in her way.
smooches
September 25th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Hugs Kelley,
I often wonder what will become of Malachy, sweet as he is.
September 25th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
My daughter had a bad fall yesterday and was sick this morning, so was very sooky. She held my hand and let me hold her hand all the way to the classroom. So unusual now. It was great. Won’t be long before I will be not so welcome. Kids, they grow up so fast.
September 25th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Awww, Kelley. Honey.
You wished for a beautiful baby boy, and you got exactly that. I think you did great.
September 25th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Makes me stop and think.
Maybe I will just wish for my children to be happy.
September 25th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
This post gave me goosebumps, Kel. So incredibly honest and heartfelt.
Boo couldn’t be in better hands.
Much love and great big warm hugs.
September 25th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Be careful what you wish for. That’s one of the (very) few things I remember my mum teaching me. I also look at people on the street differently since I’ve realised that my older sister is in fact retarded and more so since I’ve been reading about Boo and several others in blogs.But he’s a beautiful boy and you should be proud. As you are, of course.
September 25th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
I am careful as well… xxx
September 25th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Boo is so lucky to have you sweets.
September 25th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
You tell us all the proud, joyful, stressful, scary, funny, beautiful moments in the life of a child with autism - thank you for sharing this. I’ve learnt a lot from your blogs about Boo.
September 25th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Boo is so lucky.
September 25th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Sadly I have learned that you must be very very specific when you ask the universe for something. Otherwise, it’ll have its way with you. And laugh while doing so.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:29 am
I too have had to rethink the “careful what you wish for” theory. The last time I wished, it was after a horrible messy affair, and I wished something would happen to my husband so that he would have to stay home, with me, and only me, so that he could see how much I really loved & cared for him vs him going to work everyday leaving me home alone with the baby only seeing us for an hour or so before bed and him leaving for work all over again. The very next day he was diagnosed with 2 horrible kinds of cancer and given 2 weeks to live. He stayed “home” from work for an entire year with me being by his side every waking moment taking care of him. I often wonder if I got my wish, and feel bad for wishing it. I do *know* it was my answer I had asked in prayer for!
You however, I am sure it was God’s plan (sorry to anyone who does not believe as I do)! He knew Boo would need an awesome Mom to guide him and you were the best he could have ever had! I am constantly in awe of how gracefully you handle it all and admire you so much for all you do!
September 26th, 2008 at 1:29 am
Thank you for this.
September 26th, 2008 at 1:37 am
Ooof. That seems kind of harsh that your friend would say that to you? Life is filled with tough lessons, that’s for sure. But you didn’t wish this, my dear. We’ve all said similar things, had similar thoughts. Hugs to you.
September 26th, 2008 at 2:09 am
I wouldn’t wish my son was any other way, he’s intelligent, funny, huggable, and autistic, if we hadn’t had him, my other boys would look at people with disabilities in a different light.
I admit when I was younger, I said a silent prayer whenever I saw kids with Downs syndrome, that I just couldn’t cope with a disabled child, stupid me.
Kelley, you’re amazing, you make me laugh out loud, a feat in itself at the moment. xx
September 26th, 2008 at 2:28 am
This post is very powerful. Beautiful. You are a woman filled with courage and integrity. Your son couldn’t have gotten a better mother.
You deserve a big hug today.
September 26th, 2008 at 2:59 am
Very nice…but now I’m suddenly hungry for a duster…
September 26th, 2008 at 3:03 am
Wow, yes profound, I agree. Your son is a genius, I’m quite sure, regardless of what category he is put into.
September 26th, 2008 at 3:13 am
All the times I told my sister to shut up as a kid, I never thought I would have gotten my wish.
When she was 10 she had a hard time talking, and by the time she was 13 she had no voice at all. A muscle disorder called Dystonia (like Parkinson’s) took over my sister.
She can think normal, but socialy her life has never been the same. If I could take back every shut up I ever wished for I would a million times over.
I blamed myself for years that she stopped talking because I said shut up too much. It’s been 14 years since I have heard a word from her, we sign, but the Dystonia affects her hands too (what a kicker right?)
I only hope this teaches my kids never to take each other for granted.
At first I was in agreement to your friend and the reminder of your wish. But at the same time, you probably didn’t need to be reminded.
As much as I hate these diseases, and disorders that take over our family members. It makes me wonder if I would be as close to my sister if she didn’t have this…
I wish the best for your boo. He seems amazing.
September 26th, 2008 at 3:15 am
I’m still wishing you health and happiness regardless. I’m a rebel like that.
September 26th, 2008 at 4:13 am
Very beautifully said. Sometimes I think back to when Jaymes was a baby, and how I wished that something would happen to help us bond together more… And well… A year later, it did. His autism, treatment, and just our life with it has forged a bond so deep you wouldn’t believe it possible.
What’s a duster?
September 26th, 2008 at 4:23 am
You need to do tissue warnings.
September 26th, 2008 at 5:02 am
I agree with Ree on the tissue warnings hon.
Brilliant post from an amazing woman. You’re so strong Kel, I wish I was.
((hugs))
September 26th, 2008 at 5:14 am
Hectic, but very true.
September 26th, 2008 at 7:56 am
aww, kel…
i’m gonna have to stop reading you at work. either i’m spewing liquids all over my keyboard or weeping.
either way, your boo is a lucky boy to have a mom like you.
hugs.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:17 am
Great post and you delivered a message that is so TRUE
September 26th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Touching. In a bunch of ways.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Wishing you much happiness. But I think you’ve got that covered.
Boo is so lucky to have you.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Boo is who he is. And what a beautiful being he is.
September 26th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Yes, Boo and you are lucky to have each other.
September 26th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
You know shoes aside, you are one amazing woman Kelley. I really, really admire you. That was so profound. Beautiful.
September 26th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Someone else beat me to it - you do profound very well.
Lots of smooches and kickass shoes to you kiddo.
September 27th, 2008 at 6:22 am
My first thought as you described the man on the side of the road was that he must have a cell phone in his ear!
And you sound like an amazing mom for your exceptional children.
September 27th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Oh Kell … once again, you have me snafarbling at my desk and ONCE AGAIN, I am not wearing water proof mascara!
September 27th, 2008 at 11:05 am
OH, I’m sniffling for you. I hate when wishes bite you in the toosh.
September 27th, 2008 at 11:37 am
I had to stop by and say how powerful (profound has been done )this post is and so heartbreaking.
I am sure Boo will always be looked after by his loving family.(hugs)
I too hope he is always just as happy being himself as his now.
September 27th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
too true.
September 30th, 2008 at 4:58 am
[…] Be careful what you wish for. […]
September 30th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
You know, that’s one saying I never really got my head around.
The idea that we get punished or slapped down for daring to wish or want or long for something makes me want to kick a clergyman.
Nice post though.
October 1st, 2008 at 8:45 pm
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October 2nd, 2008 at 11:41 am
This one is in my heart.
This was perfectly and wonderfully written. Thank you.
Thank you so very much.
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Hey Kel:
I know that you are aware that I interact every work day at my day job with a number of autistic men and women here on the Gulf Coast campus of the South Mississippi Regional Center, in Long Beach. Those interactions are normally the highlights of my day and week, and I so enjoy those daily experiences. Being here in this situation, I recognize that it is so important for autistic individuals to receive lots of love and care every single day, and I know that BOO is so very fortunate to be in the perfect place and with the perfect person 24/7 to receive all that love and care he needs.
{{{{{HUGS TO YOU ALWAYS!}}}}}
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