Hello Mrs XXXX! How are you today????
Freaking telemarketers. They are really doing my head in lately.
I know they are just doing their job. MPS did a little telemarketing years ago to supplement our income, so I know how hard it is. But some of them are just total arsehats and deserve my disdain.
Ring Ring, trills the phone interrupting my blogging fun.
‘Hello Mrs XXX how are you today?’ singsongs a heavy accented man,
‘Fine’ I cagily reply while bill due dates fly through my mind.
‘Well Mrs XXX’ he continues, getting my name terribly wrong and my mother-in-law spins in her grave, ‘My name is Steve and I am calling from……..’
My mind wanders, his voice gets more excited. Steve from some middle eastern call centre thinks he has got himself a winner. Something about my winning a holiday or a mobile phone or somesuch.
‘Look Steve, I am really busy right now so sorry I am not interested.’
‘Oh but Mrs abortion-of-my-last-name-sending-the-old-girl-spinning, you get a yada yada yada……’ I’m not listening again… the shiny, you see.
‘Steve, I am not interested, thanks for your time’
Click.
I hate doing that. But sometimes they won’t get the message. Fuckers.
Ring Ring…
‘Hello?’
‘Hello Mrs abortion-of-my oh you remember the rest’
‘Why hello STEVE! Didn’t I just hang up on you?’
Click.
And I have a short attention span?
But my absolute favourite of all time:
Ring Ring as I am running out the door to pick up Boo from school. I HAVE to be standing out the front of his classroom at 3.25 exactly when he comes out to get his bag. Otherwise *shudder* you don’t want to know.
‘Hello Mrs last-name-wrong-old-lady-gyrating’ coos a sweet grandmotherly voice.
‘Hello’ I reply getting sucked in by her sweet Nanna voice
‘How are you today’ she coos down the phone line, shit this woman is good
‘Fabulous thanks! I am just running out the door to pick up my son’
‘Oh, well I will only take a minute of your time. I am calling today to ask for your help, kids with (insert condition here, I don’t want to name it) need your help and support. Today all I am asking is for you to take a book of raffle tickets at $20 a ticket…….’
‘Look, I am totally supportive of your cause but I have a child with Autism and I am raising funds for that, so I am sorry I can’t help you today. Good luck though’ I say, thinking wish we had someone like her for our fundraising.
Her voice is noticeably cooler ‘Well that is all fine and dandy, but you don’t understand. This is much much worse than Autism!’
I stop midair, coat half on. This particular condition is mild compared with what I deal with everyday.
‘Are you a doctor?’
‘No’ coolness is escalating to ice-cubes-down-your-panties cold
‘So you must be a psychologist then?’
‘No, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything. You need to support these parents as you are lucky that your child is healthy. What would you do if your child got sick?’ retorts the Ice Queen
Fuck me dead. This woman is unbeliveable.
‘Well I would do what I am doing now. Would you care to purchase a book of my raffle tickets’
Click.
Biatch hung up on ME!
And then I was late picking up Boo. And all hell broke loose.
~~~~~~~~
Yes, this is a repost. Originally posted 6 October last year. But I purdied it up a bit with a picture and stuff.
Yeah, shuddup.
Popularity: 42% [?]
38 Responses to “Hello Mrs XXXX! How are you today????”
August 28th, 2008 at 10:41 am
I once had someone ring me up offering me a cruise. I played the lonely-old-man-who-doesn’t-get-out-much-at-all card, and she ended up saying that she was going to die. Of all things.
That was a fun call.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Oh my holy hell…. Don’t you just LOVE people like that? Total strangers you don’t know from shit going from what could have been, “here, let me get the door for you” to “if I ever, EVER meet you in real life I will choke the ever living shit out of you with my phone cord and then piss in your ear!!!”
Even thought this is a repeat, I am getting mad all over again for you!
When I have the time, I like to fuck with their heads, especially male telemarketers. I won’t go into detail, but they probably go home and go to bed mad, all cause they wanted to sell me something!
And that old lady? You should have talked to her about the rising rate in deaths directly related to falling and breaking hips at her age…give her something to look forward to!
August 28th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Fortunately I have a sixth sense triggered by that little bitty pause before they get connected. I probably hang up on friends on rare occasion, but I get those pricks before they even get a ‘hi’ out. As for the occasional friend I hang up on well A) answer quicker next time B) hey, we’re friends…take one for the team and C) call back, I’m obviously home.
You could also try the ‘air horn’ method…I hear it works nicely.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Send them a pile of Boo’s shit.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:59 am
When W. was a toddler, I used to say to the telemarketer, “Could you hold on for a second?” I’d then give the phone to W. and let him babble away. Worked like a charm!
August 28th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Totally not related but I just saw a new group on facebook and thought of you - “I Dont care How Comfortable Crocs Are, You Look Like A Dumbass.”
Are you the ring leader?
August 28th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Well, contrary to appearances, you are obviously way too polite. You must not pause for breath as you say “sorrynotinterestedthanksbye” and hangup.
We actually unplugged our phone to avoid these ppl, then I put the phone somewhere and now I can’t find it, LOL.
And a good post is always worth repeating. Maybe you could do a “best of” series?
August 28th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Ooo I have had the same woman ring me - I’m sure of it.
It was back a couple of years and she gave me the spiel and I did my “thanks but no thanks, I’m rather more financially tied up with getting extra help for my nephew with Downs Syndrome…”
She said something about Down’s Syndrome not really being a serious problem (..and I’m thinking “tell that to my SIL”) and him not really being ’sick’ (and I’m thinking “well perhaps not now since he’s had 3 rounds of heart surgery”). ….
*Where* do these people get off comparing the severity of children’s diseases and disorders??
August 28th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Ewww! What a bunch of shameless douchebaggery.
I admit I once told a telemarketer that she should get a real job instead of harass people and that she was a waste of oxygen.
*hangs head in shame*
August 28th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
This may be old, but it is new to me. I can not believe the balls of some people! How rude does a person have to be to be the rudest biatch of all time? I think she was close to being the winner of that title.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I love call display. I refuse to answer the phone if it’s a long distance number I don’t recognize. When I do, I always regret it.
Canada’s firing up its’ first “no call list” this Fall, and I can’t wait to sign up.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
I’m so glad I live in a country where I barely speak the language. I don’t think I have ever gotten a telemarketer call here, but I don’t think they have them there here either. I’m pretty sure that would somehow break some sort of Polish law about working or having other people from other countries own stock in your country. Poles are kind of picky about that.
Anyway, back when I did get the telemarketers they ALWAYS butchered my last name. Even before I was married and had a easier last name.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Hehehe… As soon as one of the smiling dickwads says “Hello, is this Angie” they get the “die, motherfucker” reply.
I can handle them butchering my last name (everyone does, no biggie) but I am not and never will be an ‘Angie’
August 28th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
I have a new solution to an old problem (the one this post conveys, that is):
call Boo to the phone, hand it over long enough to pull out a sweet potato.
August 28th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
I vary between “We don’t gamble”, which really throws the raffle-ticket-sellers (sorry Kelley!), “I don’t give money to organisations that ring me at home”, and “I’m sorry, but we have budgeted our giving already.” Then there was that other time…
Girl: This is the . How are you?
Me: Fine. Is this a, um, begging phone call?
Girl: Did you say begging?
Me: Yes. Are you asking me for money?
Girl: Oh! You’re so rude.
Me: Yes I am. Goodbye.
I s’pose she’d had a hard day…
August 28th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Maintain the rage sista!
August 28th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
My macbook died 15 days ago…..no internets…..feels like I’ve been in solitary confinement.
I’d even talk to telemarketers just to fill the void.
Today is a sparkly, happy new day - I have a shiny new replaced-under-warranty macbook. I’m falling in love all over again. Telemarketers, the window of opportunity just closed.
August 28th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
I hate telemarketers, though I just tend to say in my best French accent, “I’ll go get my mum.” And then scream a shitload of French down the phone/to my mum. Normally they hang up. And door-to-door salesmen are hilarious too. Accent works so much better on them. You can almost see them running for the hills.
Best ever was a political party one about 2 years ago, spent nearly 30 mins talking about why I should vote the Green party, wouldn’t let me get a word in, and then at the end, “So will you vote Green?” “Well, I would, but I can’t actually vote for another few years, I’m 14.” His face,well, freaking priceless. (I tried to tell him, honest!)
August 28th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
We have a new method of handling the telemarketers now. Answer the phone, hear a voice/accent we don’t recognise, put the phone down so the talker is speaking to empty air while we scrub the bathroom or wash a mountain of dishes. Next person to pass the phone just hangs it up.
I’m going to try chookie’s “is this a begging phone call?” next time.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
I posted about a telemarketer that tried to give me a new mobile and kept on ringing me back asking why I wouldn’t take the fucking phone..
The next day the spouse got crank calls all day in a fake telemarketer voice * cue spooky music* I don’t know if it was just a bizarre coincidence or if a stalker is stalking me pretending to be a telemarketer… shit… bloody telephones..
August 28th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Noice job with the purdying up a bit and all that
August 28th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Wow. Do they go to mean-conniving-slippery telemarketing school? Youch.
I’m *so* going to use “Is this a begging phone call?” line. Except not on the firefighters. I don’t stand a CHANCE against their manly voices, which makes me think of thier manliness hunkiness. I’m a firefighter sucker.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
I just tell ‘em if they want my money, fix me up with a blow job. They hang up every time.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:17 am
Holy hell, is that what the phones are in Australia? I mean…you are on an island and all but I thought it was a little more modern and such. So much for texting you….
August 29th, 2008 at 3:40 am
Hey, do what I do. Just answer the phone naked and they get all scared and go away. Oh wait…that’s door-to-door soliciters. Yeah…the candy-bar-sellin’ high school cheerleaders know to stay the hell away from my house.
August 29th, 2008 at 4:15 am
…I think you should have gone with a guest post…
August 29th, 2008 at 7:00 am
So glad you’re back…even if it is a rerun! Monitor the calls, baby…I almost NEVER answer the phone anymore unless I recognize the number on caller ID or the voice when they start the message.
August 29th, 2008 at 7:01 am
you will NOT believe this! Just as I wrote that and hit submit, we got a telemarketer phone call….whoa…..twilight zone!
August 29th, 2008 at 7:44 am
I used to do some telemarketing work and hated every minute of it, even though, for some reason, I had a bit of success at it. Can’t imagine why. I hate imposing on people, and I’m not a big fan of talking on the phone! I think it’s rather ironic when the telemarketing person gets testy with us when we’re trying to get them off the phone and us back to life, too. There’s a state trooper’s agency here that really gives you the hard sell for their cause, to such a point you feel like giving in so you don’t get pulled over by them the next time you’re out on the roads!
August 29th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
My best one was to answer the cordless phone while changing the baby’s nappy. I then scraped the solids into the toilet with a satisfying “plop” and flushed while the telemarketer was busy talking. The “plop” caused a pause, the flush caused a flustered goodbye and hang-up. It’s the only thing I regret about the kids being toilet trained.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
This is exactly why I cancelled my home phone. It just collected dust and douchebag telemarketer calls!!!
August 29th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
After the day we had here… hell the week.
I’d have reached through the line and ripped her head off.
>:(
August 29th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
God almighty how I hate telemarketers with a white-hot passion! I don’t know how many times I have to put our land line and cell numbers on the official DO NOT CALL list, but we always get some wanker, at least once a day, calling to sell us something and it just gets on my tits to no end!
August 29th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
https://www.donotcall.gov.au/
Hi gorgeous. Reruns are fine from you!
If this is still relevant, you may like to register your phone number on the do not call list. Which is what it says it is. Hooray.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Hi Kelly, popped over from K8’s. I put myself on the ‘do not call list’ but I think it’s a database for telemarketers! Actually it works for those wanting to sell stuff but I still get inundated by charity calls.
August 30th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
I know the EXACT foundation you are referring to.
Nice come back,i will have to remember that. I’ve got $30 of the tickets sitting on the buffet and hutch as I type. After the week I’ve had, I’m not sure I need to be in that raffle. I know I am a biatch. Sue me.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:45 pm
OK, that is all kinds of wrong. Just wrong wrong wrong. Frigging telemarketers.
August 31st, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Hey Kelley,
Hope you’re going okay. You know, you can’t get away with re-posts the way most bloggers can… yours are too memorable!
Still thinking of you,
Emma.
Leave a Comment