Untitled
I haven’t brushed my hair today.
Shit, I don’t think I have even brushed my teeth.
Food? Meh.
I started getting ready for work when the wave hit me. Grief, nausea, hatred, anger, sadness.
All at once it slammed into my chest and my brain shattered into a million pieces.
I spent almost 10 minutes looking for Boos school pants that I had already put on him. I saw him without seeing. Madly running around cursing myself for putting them down somewhere.
The wave hit me again and knocked the wind out of me. I had to sit down. Visions of yesterday, snippets of conversation.
The nastiness. May she rot in hell.
The ‘other’ I spoke of yesterday. The ‘other’ who I am not ready to talk about yet. Not until the story concludes and it will soon. Then you will feel the full force of my venom. Or not.
I cannot complete a thought or an action. I sat in the car for a full minute before I remembered where I was going. And that I did not have the car keys. I got to school and avoided everyone possible, but just the 3 or 4 that I had to speak to rendered me exhausted and spent.
Before my Nanna passed away this song was released. I could feel her screaming it to us. Every time I got in the car to drive the long trek home to change my clothes or say hello to my kids it would be on the radio.
Again the song haunts me today. I know he could hear us.
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain
Was he in pain? Was he calling us? Was he scared?
Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
My heart hurts. I find it hard to breathe. Just the thought of him trying to communicate with us. To shut her the fuck up. I kept whispering to him that it was OK. It was just her pain talking. She doesn’t mean it. But I just need to leave the room for a minute.
But he knows better. And just that rips my heart in two. I can feel it tearing.
I just spoke to my daddy. I can feel the pain in his voice. He asks how I am. I don’t know what to say so I say ‘fine’
That is what you say, right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thankyou everyone for you kind thoughts in the comments and emails and DM Twitters. It means the world to me. I will privately email you all rather than comment in the comments. And I will be back to my cursing snarky self soon. I promise.
<3
Popularity: 42% [?]
47 Responses to “Untitled”
August 25th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
((( Hugs )))
So hard. They go away and we have to keep on keeping on.
August 25th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Families bring out the best and the worst.
‘Fine’ is indeed what we say.
Someday, maybe in a week, maybe in a year, you’ll be able to mean it.
Take care.
August 25th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Hi Kel,
Fine is an acronym… Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional.
Kel, I do so wish for you to not be fine but be happy.
My love is with you in this shittiest of times.
Best regards, Andrew
August 25th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
{{{hugs}}} to you.
xxx
August 25th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
I commend you on typing and trying to express the feelings, even though you may not be convinced you got any out or even set straight in your head. Writing about it lets them out, into the air, where hurt and wounds need to be to get the air to heal.
Biggest hugs & love!
August 25th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
{{{Hugs}}} Kel. Just remember we love you lots, whether you’re being an emotional mess or your snarky self.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
I’m so sorry to read all about this today. I hope you’re find the support and love from others that you need.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
we love you, kel
August 25th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Grief is hard enough on its own. Why, oh why do the arsehats have to make it about them? At the time you are least able to deal with their crap?
August 25th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
You don’t have to say fine. It’s okay to not be fine. You need time to grieve and to cope and to scream or cry or do whatever it is you do to let the pain out. Ask your hubby for help, for a few hours to take a drive or a walk, to be alone or to visit a friend who will let you cry.
I understand what it feels like to have some shithead relative making snide comments during a time of intense grief and I know the rancor and the sickening anger that you are probably feeling right now.
I’m so very sorry that you are going through this right now. You have my best wishes Kelley.
*hugs*
August 25th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
K~
So sad to hear of your loss, I have no words.
I read once that there is a sect that believes when ever we die we are given Gods greatest gift, compassion, and we are forced to feel all the pain that we have inflicted on other people through out our lives 100 fold. The truly cruel spend eternity drowning in a sea of their own tears.
Pretty
and creepy…
August 25th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
it’s fine to feel, to grieve, & to be loved. My thoughts are with you. Caronne
August 25th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Oh, Kelley. I am so sorry. I can feel your pain. It’s almost palpable. God I wish I could give you a hug. A great. big. long. HUG.
And I wish I could give you peace.
August 25th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
oh Kel…
Deepest Sympathy.
August 25th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
August 25th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
still praying
still sending gentle hugs
August 25th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
I’m so sorry you feel such deep grief and saddness, but it is a tribute to the wonderful man you miss so much and a sign of his impact on your life and in the world. Try not to let the waves pull you under, darling, just float with it and in time the tide will pull you to shore.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:13 am
Take care.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:20 am
again, i’m so sorry, kelley.
one day “fine” will really mean fine, but until then, it’s ok to just go with it now.
hugs and prayers
August 26th, 2008 at 1:02 am
Fine never means just fine. Take care of yourself and your family. Brighter days will come around soon, even though it looks dark and gray now.
You and your family are in our thought and prayers.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:19 am
Family…you gotta love em right? Not always, it’s sad but true. This person probably knew no other way to express her emotions. It really bothers me when people don’t want others to see them ‘feel’ or ‘hurt’. It’s just not healthy. Take care of yourself. Our thoughts are all with you.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:35 am
Reaching across the miles to send you much love. Family sometimes sucks. There’s no othe way to put it.
Take care Kelley…thinking of you.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:21 am
I am so sorry you are having so much grief. Nothing I could say would make it all better, so just know I am sending love and hugs through to you.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:24 am
“Hangin’ in there.” It might be American, not sure, but it’s what my family always says in grief.
Big hugs to you. Maybe go brush your hair like you did your grandpa’s and pretend he’s doing it.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:53 am
Take your time. We’ll be here.
I am so sorry you are in pain and hurting. Sending you hugs and love.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:15 am
((HUGS))
August 26th, 2008 at 5:17 am
It’s OK not to be fine and just as OK to answer as if you are until you feel like giving another answer. Just be gentle with you right now, Kel, you know?
August 26th, 2008 at 5:39 am
Sometimes ‘Fine’ is the best we can be and noone expects any more then that. I will be thinking of you.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:44 am
You don’t have to be snarky and foul-mouthed for us. Just be you. That’s what we love best.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:20 am
Oh sweety, I just… words can’t describe it. I just wish I could be there to give you a huge hug and take care of you for a while. xxx
August 26th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Kelley, be who you are, that’s all you have to do. None of your faithful stalkers are going anywhere. We all just want your pain to go away.
We’re lovin’ you, Hooker Heels.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:24 am
Kelley, part of grieving is not having to say ‘fine’ when you are not. Your friends and family understand. I think that while you are handling this grief you have tender memories of your last moments with him. Your family member, on the other hand, will have to remember this time…this very important time in which she acted selfishly and without compassion. She will have to grieve twice.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:39 am
(((hugs))) Kelley it’s a fucking painful path. Its just not fucking fine or fair.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Kelley - lots of hugs and room to let those screams out, okay?
Then relax and switch on SBS - because they have a film on Helvetica tonight - and I immediately thought of you.
I think there should be mental anguish days available to us all, where we can go and vent the pain and not try to make everything appear “fine” to the outside world.
But it is what you say - because you know the other “fine” people are dealing with it in their own way and, unlike some, you want to not burden others with your unfinities - which isn’t a word but should be.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Hugs and I wish I could give you my shoulder to cry on….it’s here for ya if you need it….
Take the time you need to feel the way you feel…as so many have said, you don’t need to be ‘fine’! May I just add one thing to the very wise comments you’ve received from your friends…Kelley, try the best you can to let go of whatever ignorant, uncaring, malicious thing was said…anger will burn a hole in your soul…it kind of makes things hurt even more.. you have a truly magnificent soul-you are HONEST, CARING, LOVING–your heart is huge and lots of people REALLY DO LOVE YOU…let it float away
August 26th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Grief and losing a loved one is hard enough, without being made worse by ‘the others’.
And I know this only too well.
My thoughts are with you,
G
xx
August 26th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Kelley, I don’t have your ability with words to convey how sad I feel for you.
Just sending you lots of hugs.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Fine is a stardard response isn’t it? I’m fine. I’m doing okay. I’m good, how are you?
All very polite and I would imagine all very far from how you actually are.
You aren’t fine and you aren’t okay. But you will be eventually and until then, you don’t have to pretend here. Not to us.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
You come back when you are ready. You’ll be missed, but everyone will still be here when you return. Hugs to you sweetie!!
August 26th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Kelley, I’m so sorry for your pain. The death of a loved one is hard enough without this extra source of stress/hurt in your life. I’m so very sorry.
August 26th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Here’s a bit from a Trisha Yearwood song that I like: “How can I help you to say goodbye….it’s okay to hurt and it’s okay to cry….”
August 26th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
It’s wonderful to let your emotions out in writing. I hope that writing to yourself (and the rest of us) can be healing for you.
*hugs*
August 26th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Kelley,
*hugs* I am so sorry for your loss, and see, I’m really crappy with words, so I don’t know how to say any of things I want to without risking ending up with foot in mouth!
But I’m thinking of you, and sending good vibes your way, that say all the things I wanted too, and praying *hugs*
Kath
August 26th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Oh Kel. I have just come back and sending you many hugs.
I have some eye candy on my blog today, I know YOU will love. You more than anyone.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:10 am
Kelley, I am so sorry for your loss, my sincere condelences to you, your Dad and rest of the family. And it makes it even worse when all the crap surfaces from ‘the others’.
Hugs to you during this very sad time.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Fine is a good all rounder, it encompasses everything without really saying anything.
Thinking of you, my friend.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I’m never sure why it is that during the hardest times in our lives, there is always someone there who succeeds in making it all worse. I’m sorry you have one of those people too.
You’re a good daughter and a good granddaughter. You say “fine” to spare other people your pain and your anger over your loss. You’ll mean it one day, but you have to let your self grieve first. (((hugs)))
Leave a Comment