Karma is a bitch.
So there is this chick at work.
She does not like me.
Nay, she despises me.
For no reason. She just does.
And it entertains me.
By looking at her you can tell she once was pretty. Silky long blonde hair now cut into a severe bob, which only serves to accentuate the permanent scowl etched into her face. Time has not been kind.
Rumour has it she was once that girl. At high school. She was the mean girl. With the beauty and the body and the attitude. She was an athlete and the boys wanted her, the girls wanted to be her. She held court.
But a sporting injury put paid to that. And she gained weight. A fuck load of weight. And she blames the world.
Especially me.
It is awesome.
I pass her in the hall, she actually grunts at me as I cheerily greet her hello.
Does her fucking head in.
We come out the stalls in the bathroom at the same time, the look of despair apparent to all around as she washes her hands quickly while I smile and ask her how her day is.
Does her fucking head in.
I will be standing around joking or talking and feel eyes on me. She is glaring her hatred towards me. I smile and indicate to those around me that I have a fan.
Does her fucking head in.
She hates for the sake of hating. That is all she knows. It served her well as a 16 year old but now as a, I dunno, 40 something, it just causes her to look like a bitter old woman.
And entertains me immensely.
Some at work can’t understand why it amuses me so. I try to explain to them, but they just don’t get it.
But J finally gets it. She came to me and told me that Sharon (cause that is BitterBitch’s name) gave her a ‘Kelley look’ today. I was all ‘How did you handle it?’ and she was all ‘Like you!’ and I high fived her and we went back to drooling at the replays of the mens gymnastics. Rawr.
I mean working really hard like.
People like that only have power if you give it to them. She hates that she no longer has that power.
Mean girls of the world, you better find another hobby cause Karma can bite you in your cute little tooshie and it will swell like a motherfucker. In direct proportion to your ego. Better invest in some reinforcing for that chair.
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42 Responses to “Karma is a bitch.”
August 21st, 2008 at 10:12 pm
One of the best lessons I have learnt is that not everyone has to like me, but I can have fun with it
Next time I encounter someone like your Sharon (which, coincidentally, is what my old hag of a bosses name was, and I want to stab her with a stiletto heel) I think I will gain the upper hand early
August 21st, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Oh my goddess yes! Mean people regardless of gender feed off of your reactions. And the nicer you are and the bigger you smile. The faster their head explodes. BANG!
I deal with a lot of assholes at work, and much like yourself. They amuse the shit out of me. I wait for those moments. I like to laugh. Most of the people at work dont get why it amuses me so much, but they do think its fun to watch me handle said assholes.
August 21st, 2008 at 10:29 pm
Excellent way to handle things. I know a few - well one in fact - like this. Keep your friends close and your frenemies closer
August 21st, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Good Girl! All we can control is our own reaction, as hard and sucky as that may be. But it sounds like it’s quite jolly at your work.
Love it.
August 21st, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Next time ya’ll meet up in the washroom, casually mention “You know, you’d be SO much prettier if you’d smile more often!”
Kill em with kindness! And then blog about them!
August 21st, 2008 at 10:44 pm
I :heart: Karma.
August 21st, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Indeed. Although it goes the other way too. I went to university with a girl who was in highschool with Christina Aguilera (she’s from Aliquippa, PA which is near Pittsburgh, where I grew up) and she told me that in highschool Christina was “that weird chick who smelled like hotdogs”.
I always got a laugh out of that. Cause if you’re rich enough people wouldn’t tell you if you still smelled like an Oscar Meyer, even if you did.
August 21st, 2008 at 10:54 pm
I ran into the homecoming queen from my school several years after we graduated, and she looked like a huge blimp. THEN she wanted to be my friend. Fat chance.
August 21st, 2008 at 11:06 pm
I think you should tell her something like, “wow, you know, I just saw your old yearbook photo and I almost didn’t recognize you!” Okay, don’t really say that, but you can think it. And gloat.
August 21st, 2008 at 11:09 pm
Yee haa. Isn’t it great? It’s like a sport. My sister-in-law (oft referred to as the twat-in-law) is like that. I just great her cheerily and joke with her on occasion. My wife can’t even talk to her. I keep saying, “Just enjoy it to cheese her off,” but she can’t. She seems to lack a vital wiseassery gene.
Since people like that are easily pissed off, I like to go the extra mile for them. Keep up the good work Kelly!
August 21st, 2008 at 11:18 pm
I absolutely hear you. When I started the job I’m at now, in an office with only 6 other women, they all hated me. I think just on principle. They hate everyone. I refused to allow it. I smiled hello every time one of them passed me and made small talk and was generally cheery. Eventually, it worked, and now I’m like the pied piper. Everyone wants to be in my cube.
Oddly, years ago, I would have cried myself to sleep every night over this. Funny how your priorities change.
August 21st, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Keep up the good work
August 21st, 2008 at 11:50 pm
I feel like I was there - great post - high five indeed. ahh sweet karma….
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:10 am
You are just the kind of woman I love - the ‘good’ ballbuster. As opposed to the evil ballbuster.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:20 am
Ah, yes, karma is indeed a boomerang. My personal Sharon is now facing embezzlement charges.
Couldn’t have happened to a nicer person.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:20 am
I love doing that! Go Kelley!
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:37 am
I bet she has a specch impediment and CAN’T say hello properly, what a bitch you are…
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:01 am
I love that! Sometimes I wish I had kept in touch with those people in high school (or any for that matter) to see how they turned all fat and annoyed and make fun of them incessantly.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:52 am
I’m pretty willing to bet that this karma you speak of if something only available on Plurk. Come on, Kelley, to the real world. Sign off of the social networking.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:24 am
HOLY CRAP! Ok, I’m so excited I can’t comment coherently. Normally my work porn-filter blocks me from leaving comments on your site. Go you!!!
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:51 am
“cause Karma can bite you in your cute little tooshie and it will swell like a motherfucker.”
I am so linking this!
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:04 am
Some people peak in high school and I feel sorry for them now, because what else do they have to live for?
The BEST thing to do is exactly what you are doing … being SUPER nice to her. bwhahaha! I love it!
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:54 am
Hahaha awesome Kelley!
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:32 am
This is a fine start Kelley but I know you can do better. I think you need to amp it up a bit…
- Invite her to a pajama party
- Pass notes with rainbows and ponys on it to her
- Have all your friends gather round her cubicle for a rousing Kumbayaa song
- Start leaving one of those little Valentine hearts on her desk every day
- Tape the part from Office Space where she says ’sounds like somebody has a case of the Mondays’ and then loop it over and over and play it on her computer…
- Interoffice smiley stickers to her
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:59 am
Karma ROCKS!!! And I think maybe you should torment her further by putting smiley faces on all of your emails to her:)
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:45 am
I think I’m a little moist after reading this.
The ‘head skank’ from my high school presented at work with abdo pain and an embarrassing itch. Vacuous bitch didn’t recognise me at first, but her face went to gelatinous horror when I had the pleasure to inform her she had a rampaging dose of genital herpes.
I smiled so much that night people thought I was working with ben wa balls.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:07 am
The ruder they get, the more cheerful I get and then they implode in frustration and impotent fury.:D
It’s a Goddess-given talent we all have and must use…just to have fun imploding our Sharons
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:39 am
I know this woman! I wrote about her today, too. Although I call her the emaciated blond bitch.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:57 am
I love Karma for that! A girl I went to school with that just *knew* she was all that is currently doing time for having a meth lab in her home. HA!
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:28 am
Hahaha! Girl you kill me! I love it!
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:34 am
I have perfected my smile and cheery comments. I love that it drives people mad when I am so sugar sweet nice and they are being bitchy.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:46 am
PURRRRRRRR-FECT…..meow!
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:50 am
Yeah, I had a bitch like that at school. I was a 6′1 redheaded giant with glasses. She tormented me all the time. But then, I got contacts, grew big boobs and left her for dust. Saw her at my 10 year reunion, I have had three kids, am a size 12 and still have big boobs. She is a fatty boomba with bad skin. Karma is great for sure.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:21 pm
I love that you continue to try to be the nice one. How sad that she peaked at 16. It’s tragic.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:30 pm
I liked this one. I think we all suffered at the hands of these girls when we were in high school.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:12 pm
LLOLOLOL!! You are wild girl!!
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:13 pm
i also find that killing them with kindness is my preferred weapon.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:37 pm
I SO heart you!
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:37 pm
apparently Abraham Lincoln said the face you have at 40 is the face you deserve.
Did you read The Twits by Roald Dahl? Basically the same thing. Mrs Twit’s revoltingness made her uglier with age.
If she gets worse, you could start buying her awful little ‘friends forever’ teddies.
It’s flattering that this useless girl who hasn’t had anything since high school to give social status, is now threatened by you. Go you!
August 23rd, 2008 at 6:15 pm
HA! I’m so pleased to know another person does the OTT niceness thing to mean bitches.
Since I moved back to my hometown, there’s a particular mean cow / “it girl” from highschool who I love to tease - when she spots me at the supermarket she tries so hard to turn up her nose and stalk off in the opposite direction before I can say “Hi Rachelle, how are you” and smile at her. Does her (nasty little) head in when she has to put up with me smiling at her and being nice.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:27 am
Does her fucking head in is my new favorite saying..
September 4th, 2008 at 2:43 am
“Karma can bite you in your cute little tooshie and it will swell like a motherfucker.”
words to live by. Notice my ass is still flat, shapeless, and scrawny.
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