My eye twitch is now more pronounced.
I am not ready.
I am so not ready people.
Most chicks my age are worrying about toilet training and kindergarten and Bratz dolls over sexualizing their girls.
Dang, those dolls are freaking slutty!
Me? I have a 16 year old. Or as she keeps reminding me, almost 17 year old. In my head she is just a freakishly tall 8 year old. With a smart mouth.
So the other night when I was driving her to work, she was all ‘So I have a new boyfriend’ and I am all ‘Oh, really?’ not really concentrating cause that fucking ‘I kissed a girl’ song is STILL stuck in my head and I was trying desperately to find the beat of Any. Other. Song. to override that freaking song in my head.
As she exited the car she casually mentioned that he was 18.
EIGHTEEN.
For my overseas lovelies, the reason this strikes terror in mothers of teenage girls in Australia is 18 is the legal driving and DRINKING age. He can like, DRIVE with my daughter in his car. He can BUY MY DAUGHTER ALCOHOL.
*Kelley picks herself off the floor again*
So I am sitting here doing something vitally important like searching Amazon for Ninja toys for my desk at work, and she wanders in, all sweetness and light. I am all awwwwww, isn’t she cute… hang on… she fucking wants something…
‘Whaaaaat? I ate all the chocolate biatch, suck it up’
‘Um, can M come over and take me for a drive’
For a nano second my brain doesn’t compute. I am struck dumb, while my brain catches up with my imagination and then I start rocking.
Then the wailing starts ‘No no no nonononononononononono…’
And the rocking gets faster. And the devil spawn child starts giggling. And Boo starts squealing and moaning and copying me and I am all ‘I cannot deal with this’ and she is all ‘giggle giggle you are too cute’ and I am all ‘nooooooooooooooo’
‘Oh.’ she says ‘You are serious’
You fucking bet your virginity on it I am ‘Yes.’
‘Just give me a few days to get used to it OK’
She knows me so well. As long as I get a couple of days to mourn dwell come up with every possible bad scenario get used to it it will be all good. Like when she wanted to get a bikini, or go to the underage disco, or dye her hair…
Shutup.
I was 17 when I met her father.
Right now she is in the bathroom getting ready to camera whore. When I say that, I mean take pictures of herself looking like a MySpace ho and then forget they are on the camera and her poor mother sees them when she is innocently downloading her own whorey photos for her blog innocent pics of bunnehs and food cooking and she accidentally on purpose deletes the whole lot and then is all Oh Noes! and she is all You did it on PURPOSE and her mother is all he he he…
anyway. She is purdying herself up. And she looks JUST LIKE the chick in the Wedding Singer. Not Julia Gulia. The other one, the slutty girlfriend Linda. I couldn’t find a pic of her, but just google Emo Chick Haircut and there you go…
as an aside: I totally looked like this as a teen. I had that exact outfit. Oh. My. Holy. Hell. AND the rings and bangles… Replace the bow with a metal heart and dye the hair dark red.
And WHAT is my child listening to while painting her face to look like every other teen since the dawn of time?
Poison. Alice Cooper. Metallica. Motley Crue.
Teens these days.
I totally understand them.
She is never leaving the house again.
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51 Responses to “My eye twitch is now more pronounced.”
August 17th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Ooh, i’m typing quick hoping to be first!!!
Hmm. type fast and say something meaningful too bugger.
These children insist on doing these awful things to us, growing up and away, one anguishing step at a time. Solopsistic, ungrateful brats.
Do you remember the line in Father of the Bride, when he says at some stage you stop worrying your daughter is going to meet the wrong man and start worrying that she is going to meet the right one. ouch.
Brats. yeah. they are such sluttards. Who is their market?
Guess what? Birthday last week, and inspired by you babe, I went to the Kumfs shop and bought spunky shoes. woot woot woot. Bricky red suede. Pretty ribbon to tie them up.
You are an inspiration.
But I have to confess my feet got so sore taht today I wore uggies out. sorry. Shoecrime.
love you babe. sorry your daughter insists on growing up.
August 17th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Awww, it’s times like these I’m glad I have boys!
August 17th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
you’ve got your work cut out for you, kel
buy more chocolate
August 17th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
That hair is scary. One accident with a cigarette and BOOM…
August 17th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
OK Kel, Ive been there, and its all going to be ok. We all survived and nobody is pregnant yet.
Give her the talk (again) and trust that everything you have taught her over the years will put to good use.
You have to trust her, or risk losing her.
*huge hugs*
August 17th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
She has real good taste in music!
So, being on the other side of the age barrier… I have no real advice, but, recycling my Sociology teacher… at least she’s telling you about her boyfriend and asking you to go for a drive with him? Surely that has got to be better than sneaking, right?
And there’s a girl in my year. Dating a 40 year old. *Shudders* So… 18 isn’t that bad?
(Feel free to ignore anything of this that sounds like total bollocks to you.)
*Sends chocolate in massive packets over to AUS*
August 17th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
What kind of car is it, big back seat?
August 17th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Dude, that is exactly the reason why I want all boys.
August 17th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Ohhhhh man! Chastity belt time?
I’ve already informed my boy he isnt allowed to hold hands until he is AT LEAST 25. And I’ve started to write up an application for dating my son. Its going to be a long one that requires a blood sample, and mental health history of her family.
The first question is:
What are your intentions with my son?
THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER. She fails automatically. Heh!
August 18th, 2008 at 12:06 am
oh shit…don’t tell me I have that to look forward to…can my munchkin stay 2???
note to self…stock up on vicodin…
August 18th, 2008 at 12:30 am
My daughter is only 4 so I have a while..but I dread those days! I see my 14 year old niece and just shake my head at what make-up she is wearing, the clothes, the boyfriend (I know my in-laws are IDIOTS!).
August 18th, 2008 at 12:32 am
Well, you have only one option. Get her knees sewn together.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:26 am
I totally don’t suggest you read my public service announcement type post on teenage pregnancy without having consumed more than 1/2 your body weight in vodka.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:39 am
oh. mah. gawd.
i have just dipped my little toe into these waters and i’m SKEEEEEERD.
hold me. send chocolate. and vodka.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:40 am
I have boys, but I don’t think it’s any easier. My 15-year-old has announced he’s bisexual and hopes his first sexual experience involves multiple partners. Times like these, I’m glad he lacks the social skills necessary to be a playah.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:46 am
Might I suggest a chastidy belt with electric shock capabilities? 1200 volts???
Or just lop off his dangerous parts?? Be all, nice and invite him in for a spot of vodka and WHAM! Meat cleaver!
Drastic? No. I was a teenager. I was also preggers by 18 …
August 18th, 2008 at 2:07 am
Coming from someone who got pregnant at age 17, I vote that you LOCK HER UP. Or move to another country.
I sure do miss those back seat lovin’ days. Oh, wait. No I don’t.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:46 am
Thank the Good Lord I don’t have a girl. *shiver*
August 18th, 2008 at 3:47 am
I threw up no less than 7 times during the reading of this post.
I cannot hear these things.
6 members of my 17 year old nephews football team are in HEROIN REHAB right now. And you’re about ot be a grandma. What’s the world coming to?
Send her up to her Auntie Mr Lady and I will give her a lesson in what growing up in a Christian Cult is like. I’d get to relive my childhood, and she’d get extra credit in sociology. It could work.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:02 am
I’m not ready for this. Thankfully, mine is only turning twelve and hasn’t started sprouting boobs yet. She still thinks the height of maturity is finding a boy to tongue kiss.
Ugh.
This is why I’m going to start drinking. I’ll just obliterate my senses and ignore the memories of myself in the backseat of a car with an older boy when I was 17.
Cuz there is no facking way my kid will ever be like me.
Right? RIIIIIGHTTTT? (she asks desperately….)
August 18th, 2008 at 4:34 am
I.
Have.
TWO.
teenytinybaby
Girls.
*telling myself*: Breathe IN… Breathe OUT… Breathe IN… Breathe OUT… Breathe IN… Breathe OUT…
Oh, God…
August 18th, 2008 at 4:46 am
I try to completely block any thoughts of teenagers from my head for the time being, so thank you very much for ruining my zen-like state.
As far as “I Kissed a Girl” goes, it could be worse. Much, much worse:
http://www.houndrat.com/2008/08/13/husband-killing-me-with-random-videos/
August 18th, 2008 at 6:36 am
Right now I’m thanking all the gods that I have boys.
August 18th, 2008 at 6:59 am
I am so glad we’ve only had boys. Not that I wouldn’t LOVE to have a daughter - but I’m sure I’d wind up in jail for assault and battery or some such.
August 18th, 2008 at 7:27 am
If she’s Emo with a brain stop your worrying. I made it past my 21st with cherry.
August 18th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Reading your post makes me reflect on my two girls. The oldest (just turned 18) is all stuck with her anime/art friends while the 15 year old loves taking pictures posting it in Myspace/Friendster.
She often gets invited to go out by friends but can’t do so without a sibling tagging along. I’m more worried when she reaches 18. =(
August 18th, 2008 at 10:19 am
So, the whole “having a boy who is just a computer gamer and never leaves the house” isn’t a bad thing?
In the U.S. we drive at 16, but don’t drink until 21.
You got a prize at my spot - and a tag. Come see, eh?
August 18th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Best advice—
1) have the birth control discussion. YES, be realistic and insist upon it if it becomes an issue; take her an pay for the stuff yourself ;P
2) make sure that her cell phone is ALWAYS charged (I assume she has one since every frickin kid seems to) and let her know she can call you 24/7 for a ride if old ‘M’ gets stupid
3) this too, shall pass…it is MUCH better that she can confide in you than to sneak….sneak=bad; talk=good
4) meditate—-ooooooooommmmmmmmm——oooooommmmmm—-focus on your lovely shoes!
August 18th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Oh, I also gotta say that I am sooooo glad I wasn’t a kid during Madonna time……slutsburg looking….yuck…..I did soooo much better as a hippie flowerchild!
August 18th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Nail her feet to the floor
Forgot to do it with my 2 but they turned out ok
August 18th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Kelley, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from because I am going through it RIGHT NOW too. My DD15 has been going with her just turned 19 year old boyfriend for one month and I nearly had a heart coronary when she asked the first time to go in the car with him.
My DH has given the boyfriend the talk, you know “Hurt my daughter and I will hunt you down” type talk. DD15 has just asked me to put her on the pill and she’s already asked to stay the night at his house.
So yeah, I know and I need chocolate and vodka too.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
You need to play that “I don’t think so” song over and over while she’s asleep to subliminely condition her to reply “I don’t think so” anytime he tries to get in her pants.
Can’t we just lock them in a room till they are 25? It would be so much easier!
August 18th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Yikes! However, she has excellent taste in music.
August 18th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
*fingers in ears and rocking madly*
Not listening, I can’t hear (read) you…
you know I have four of those female type peoples don’t you?
* rain man rocking* ERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!
Not. Thinking. About. It. Ever!
August 18th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
You know, it is a good thing you understand her [I was 16 when I met Nathan] because she will appreciate that [someday when she loses her viginity and realises that it actually felt like she was being sandpapered internally] when she is older.
Oh and I had the very last period before I had a baby during my 17th birthday party…
August 18th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Oh and I forgot, when I was 16, Nathan was 22. With a car.
And we never did anything in the car. It was too cramped.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
JodieOdie: I will forgive the first comment *snort* and YAY for the new shoes (email me a pic woman!) but the ugs? Slap yourself. Harshly.
Marylin: Yeah. Thanks for that…
Rah: Fuck the chocolate, wine by the case.
Solomon: Bwaaaa haaaa haaaaa! Yep. It was scary hair. I should dig out some pics.
Goaldeebug: I know. And it will be easier with Too. Just gotta take some deep breaths and go to my happy place.
Kath: Yeah, you are right my lovely. But let me chat to you when you have a daughter your age K? *snort*
BoxBoy: Fuck off…
Lilacspecs: But apparently boys can get pregnant now. Wait, hang on… that wasn’t a guy…
Sarah: Yeah, good luck with that!
beautifulmess: Don’t blink. She was totally 2 just the other day. Or was that today when she was chucking a fit cause there was no chocolate..
Mrs Schmitty: Seriously, what is up with what the kids are wearing these days. Wait. It is EXACTLY the same as what I wore…
ZoeyJane: Bwaaaaa haaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaa!
O’Neal: Only half? But what do I do with the rest?
The Planet of Janet: Girl, lets hope we come out the otherside NOT grandparents eh?
Mama mara: ‘playah’ you cracked my shit up girl.
Maternal Mirth: Now I have all the possible ‘dangerous’ body parts running through my head. Yeah. Thanks for that.
Karly: *rocking in the corner* Um. You aren’t making me feel any better you know.
ange: want mine?
Mr Lady: Awesome. She is on her way. Oh, and apparently she can do windows. Not here. Only at work. So I will send her Burger King uniform with her.
Redneck Mommy: will let you know babe. Cause seeing we have similar parenting styles, the whole mock them until they understand and then blog about it, I will give you the heads up.
A Whole Lot of Hooch: And purdy girls they are. The boys are gunna LOVE THEM! Bwaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaa
Houndrat: Yeah, fuck me. Now I have that stupid song in my head running around with the kissed a girl and the whir from the fridge. Stab me with that stapler now.
Frogdancer: Hey! Again with the THIS IS NOT MAKING ME FEEL ANY BETTER!
lceel: See above DAMMIT!
Anja: Unfortunatley she is not actually Emo and she is too much like her mother…
Janette: We can hide out together K? Too will be 15 in 3 weeks.
Ree: Squeeeeeeee! I love me some Ree love.
hotmamamia: Lalalalalalalalalalala I am not listening!
Jayne: Wanna come to Bunnings with me to pick out the best nails?
Tina: You know if you melt that chocolate and mix it with Vodka and chuck it in the freezer you can make choc mousse with it? It is awesome. I suggest a chest freezer full.
Bettina: Or there is always a basement room…
Tootsie: I know! The freaky thing is she has much better taste in music than me. I lurve me some techno and she is all about the old skool.
Tiff: Learn from me. I will be your Yoda.
Veronica: Will have to check out M’s car then eh?
August 18th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
I don’t know how you people do it, this bringing up of the teenagers thing. Especially if you’ve been one yourself.
August 19th, 2008 at 1:01 am
I’m sending you moral support but ultimately you’re making me very, very happy I have a boy.
August 19th, 2008 at 2:12 am
Hmmmm….no advice here. I had Dingo Girl spayed at six months old. I think such procedures are frowned upon when applied to humans. You might want to check though.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:57 am
My stepson is 15, and after watching him over the last couple of months go from a little boy to someone who much resembles a full fledge teenager, I am no less freak out because he’s a boy. His dad gave him the sex talk a few months ago and basically told him if he has sex he will die. For that matter, if he kisses a girl he could die. Yeah, I don’t think it helped either.
August 19th, 2008 at 5:01 am
Having a 16 yo son and a 15 yo daughter, it’s nerve-wracking either way. I drank through my teen years and I plan to drink through theirs to get me through. And as of October I will have three teens! I think I need to pick up an extra job to cover the cost of the vodka I’m gonna need.
August 19th, 2008 at 7:22 am
I’m afraid for my future. I’m installing the lock on my daughter’s door, now.
August 19th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Ohhhh, honey. Oh, you poor, poor thing.
I am not being at all sarcastic. I have two girls, and I met their father when I was 16.
Ohhhhh, ouch.
August 19th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Really? Booze at 18?
Oy.
We’re never moving there
August 19th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Drinking & driving at 18? We obviously have it all wrong with driving at 16 and drinking at 21. I hope you’ve lost some of the eye twitch. I don’t know that I’ll ever allow mine out of the house to date.
August 19th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Scary. My daughter is turning 7 in a few days, and I’m having her bound. Her whole body, so she doesn’t grow any more.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Zoeyjane, sewing the knees together isn’t altogether foolproof…
Kelley, you’ve raised her right. Trust her and trust yourself. It’s hard to let go of the first, but it gets easier. Be happy that she tells you about her boyfriends and asks to go out. No sneakiness there.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Veronica, sandpapered internally??? Ouch!!
August 21st, 2008 at 1:30 am
I have 2 girls - two little girls and I am soooo not ready for these days!
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:02 am
These kinds of stories scare the living crap out of me. I need my muirne to stay five forever.
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