Today I totally rocked. Until I didn’t.
I was rocking today.
I had a cute little skirt, one of my favourite shirts, freaking kick arse red heels that matched my equally awesome coat. And dammit, even my umbrella matched. My awesomeness even astounded me…
I kicked some serious arse, flying off emails and being awesome.
Around 10.30am I went to the loo. Coffee Bitch got me an extra large latte, my third for the day.
Stoopid paper dispenser, instead of the painstakingly annoying one sheet at a time was dispensing wads of paper. I was absorbed in trying to put some of the mounds of paper back when I spied something out of the corner of my eye.
I got the fuck outta there quick smart. Then realised it was not a spider, but a couple of feathers from a feather duster. Showed one of the chicks while we were washing our hands and we giggled nervously till someone else came in and got rid of it for us.
Cause dammit, it LOOKED like a spider so we weren’t touching it.
Why is everyone looking at my legs? Oh. Yeah. These shoes are freaking awesome.
Went to a meeting. Rocked it.
My shoes had everyone enthralled. They are awesome. I know.
Up and down the stairs and all around the building getting opinions and liaising and consulting and kicking some lazy arse all the other shit that I do. I mean, fuck me dead, if I send you an email asking for your opinion on something and you want input, respond, fucker. Don’t just bitch. I am Ninja. I hear you.
And yeah, my shoes are fucking awesome. Or are you looking at my skirt? Doesn’t matter. It rocks too. I know.
Back to my desk, Coffee Bitch comes over we discuss a few things. We bitch about a few things.
I notice something on my leg. My inner thigh. Just above the knee.
What.
The.
FUCK?
A wad of toilet paper stuck INSIDE my stockings. My flesh coloured stockings. For the last 3 or so HOURS.
I flew out of my chair. Pulling my skirt down as far as it would go. Hoping desperately that the awesomeness of my shoes was doing deflection duty away from the ginormous wad of bog roll wedged in my stockings.
Of course, Murphy being my constant companion, I ran into people wanting to converse and analyse and fucking SPEAK TO ME on the way to remove the !!!GLARINGLY WHITE!!! paper highlighted by my black skirt.
Like a neon sign with arrows and fireworks screaming !!!LOOKY HERE!!!
Finally I managed to hobble like a freaking geisha, knees firmly wedged together, into the bathroom and fish out the bastard.
And then what did I do? What else?
I went back into the office and told everyone my humiliation.
Cause I am all about the overshare.
And not one fucker had even noticed.
They WERE looking at my awesome shoes.
Yeah. They are that awesome.
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60 Responses to “Today I totally rocked. Until I didn’t.”
August 12th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
That’s almost as a bad as one of those dreams where you’re naked.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Awesome shoes sound awesome. *cries* I want awesome shoes too…
And make like you were joking about the paper… pretend you were checking on their shoe instincts or something.
(And how cool is it I can edit this!)
August 12th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Shoes? Pics? Y’know?
August 12th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
OH, FFS! Don’t make me laugh like that! I have the flu and I just had what I imagine was close to a bronchial attack!
That’s the funniest fucking thing I have heard in a long time.
Thanks Kel, my day has been brightened considerably!
August 12th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Damn, woman, you rock anyway - TP accessory or no
August 12th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
you know, black and white go…in a sort of a formal, tuxedo, penguin kind of way…
August 12th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Ahhhh, toilet paper. The great social leveller….
August 12th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Dear Ninja of the Overshare World,
Your shoes DO totally rock. As do you.
Better the toilet paper wad stuck in your stockings than your skirt stuck in the back of your pantyhose where your shoes wouldn’t have been able to deter the viewers, no matter how awse they might be!
zz
August 12th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Hah! I can think of far worse places to have a bit of TP stuck.
Couldn’t happen to more awesome girl, though
Onya.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
that story has made my day lol
August 12th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
only you could get away with wearing toilet paper!
Where’s the damn pics of the aforementioned awesome shoes woman?
Sheesh! talk about a shoe tease!
August 12th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
That’s a very hot scene, except for the toilet paper. Can we change it to something else for the screenplay? I don’t know, maybe a Ben-wa ball or something?
August 12th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Solomon: You have bad dreams about me naked?
Kath: totally. Cause before it was all ‘I am not worthy, Kelley you are too awesome, let me send you money’ and this comment is waaaaaay betterer.
Missy: Shoes. Posted a couple of weeks ago. Obviously you were like gallivanting around the world. Y’know?
Goaldeebug: I thought my last post was? And the one before. Dammit.
Andrew: Yeah, I know. Perhaps I should tell ‘em it is the new black?
Tiff: Sounds sexy. In a freaky freakshow kinda way.
Frogdancer: Don’t you know it.
zuzu: Queen of the overshare shares that she was wearing a g today so it would have certainly been an over share of epic proportions.
4fthawaaaaaiiiiiiaaaaaaannnnn: God I hate that word with all its iiii’s and aaaa’s. And where, pray tell, would be worse?
rah: Glad to hear when my humiliation makes my peeps happy. Check out the series of ‘things that make me wanna hide in a cupboard’ in the archives. They are ALL about underwear. And flashing my bits.
Bettina: You saw them a couple of weeks ago woman! The red ones with the buckles.
Deb on the Rocks: Bwaaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaa! Totally. Can Cameron Diaz play me? Cause she always does in the movie scripts Boo writes.
August 12th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
I think you’re bringing sexy back, snort.
August 12th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Hahahaha awesome!
August 12th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Ok now that I’ve spent the better part of five full minutes laughing my ass off, Karma is going to kick my ass and something equally, if not more, humiliating is going to happen to moi.
*******
“Bog roll”
Even after living in the UK for all the time I did and being married to a Brit, I never get it when he says we need more. It always comes out sounding like he’s got a mouth full of the stuff!
August 12th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Solomon said, “That’s almost as a bad as one of those dreams where you’re naked.”
That’s funny, because I ALWAYS have dreams where you’re naked.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Ok, had to pull out the Blackberry because your awesomeness is blocked in my office.
Must comment with thumbs.
As a fellow shoe aficianato, I remember said shoes and they are that awesome. I’m wearing the awesome yellow ones today.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Those MUST have been some fan-fucking-tastic shoes to distract people away from a white wad O toilet paper in your nylons! I think I need to see said shoes…..
August 12th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
I LOVE that you went right out and told everyone. Blow-by-blow humiliation - that’s the ticket.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
You are me. And I am you.
This kind of cosmic bitchslap stuff happens to me all the time.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
Girl: You know it. I am sexing up the TP.
Marilyn: I know, aren’t I?
Auds: It is such a classy word isn’t it? ‘Honey can you just go over to the next isle and grab some bog roll?’
lceel: But wearing shoes though right?
Jennifer: You officially rock on as one of my biatches for remembering the awesomeness that was the shoes. You others will have to trawl through the archives to find them while Jen and I wear the smug smile of the awesome.
Sarah: See above babe. They are worth it.
Ellie: Girl, I am all about the self flagellation. I mean humiliation. No flagellation.
Sunshine: You are the light and I am dark moody biatch that you don’t cross. Or at least approach carefully.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:16 am
Those must’ve been the Best Shoes Ever.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:28 am
Yeah, I’m gonna need to see those shoes.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:29 am
Carried off with total aplomb (or they were lying and HAD noticed but were too freaking terrified of your ninja-ness to ‘fess up!)
Thanks for the image (not), glad it wasn’t your skirt in your knickers flashing the major thong. See? - it could have been worse.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:32 am
I would have taken pictures of that TP wad and then photoshopped a big circle and arrow around them just for emphasis and then posted it on my blog. Just for fun of course…
August 13th, 2008 at 1:49 am
I’m not laughing at you, whatsoever. I AM laughing at the toilet paper.
August 13th, 2008 at 2:23 am
One day, the very last day I wore an really awesome pair of shoes to work, I was running late for work, across the marble floored lobby of the building I worked in, during the rush hour. Now, I am a bit on the large size, so here I was running to not be late, slipped and fell, with my dress over my head and feet in the air, and slid what seemed to be the length of a football field through all those nice young men in business suits. I was soooooo embarassed by it that I never wore those shoes ever again, or that dress, because I was convinced that everyone would remember the day the fat lady slid through the lobby.
Girl, you make me laugh every morning.
August 13th, 2008 at 2:56 am
How can you withhold the shoes from us? That just being a TEASE!
August 13th, 2008 at 3:02 am
That might simply be the best story of the day! The best part is that you told everyone about it and no one noticed. I probably wouldn’t have said a thing and went around for the rest of the day THINKING everyone was secretly laughing at me.
August 13th, 2008 at 3:05 am
OH SHIT!! At least it wasn’t a poo piece of toilet paper..you know what I mean?
August 13th, 2008 at 3:12 am
That’s what I would have said to be polite too.
I’d need to see the shoes to be sure about the whole distractification deal though
August 13th, 2008 at 3:13 am
Simply, HOW?
August 13th, 2008 at 5:26 am
Well, shit. That sure burst your bubble. Drat. I’m so sorry hon.
August 13th, 2008 at 6:32 am
What no picture? I want to see these awesome fucking shoes…
August 13th, 2008 at 8:07 am
Oh Kelley! I so totally thought of you during our shoe shopping marathon today. And even more so when my 2 yr old pitched a bitch fit for the most hideous pair of you-know-whats just cause they had sparkles on them! That’s like putting glitter on a terd!
Karen - It’s not about the shoes you had on, it’s if the undies matched!!! LMAO It’s not about the paramedics like Mom said!
August 13th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Toilet paper is funny. Toilet paper following you out of the bathroom is hilarious. Toilet paper following you via wedging by hosiery? Only you.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:59 am
LMFAO
So where’s the pic of these kick-arse heels, woman?!
August 13th, 2008 at 10:44 am
BWWWAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
(Thank you. I needed that.)
*snort*
August 13th, 2008 at 10:45 am
You’ve so totally talked me into buying kick-ass shoes!
They’ll protect me from myself! LOL!
August 13th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
What? No pics of the awesome shoes? You are slackin girl!
August 13th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I feel your pain … something like this happens to me EVERY TIME I deviate from wearing my uniform of jeans and a t-shirt (shaddup - I work with a load of other geeky scientists, and they are all cargo pants and birkenstocks so compared to them I look totally glam!).
…and now stockings scare me even more than they did before.
August 13th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
This reminds me of a woman I saw on a Sydney train some time back in the seventies. Beautifully groomed, fantastic outfit, matching accessories, one unshaved leg. Yes, that’s right. One leg had spiky hairs sticking out through the nylon.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
ROFLOL.
I’m too good at sharing my own embarrassing or “doh” moments with people too. According to my DH, people would think I was a lot less dumb if I just kept my mouth shut. Oh.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
It’s definitely funny, although the fact that the TP was most likely used and therefore your knee probably smelled like pee at the end of the day, well, that’s soooo not!
August 13th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
I think the first time I ever read your blog it was in regards to TP. I Love me a good TP story!
August 13th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Nothing like a laugh from Kel to end the day on a lighter note!
Brilliant story!
August 13th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Only people lacking your genius comic timing could be accused of overshare. You’re more of generous and abundant sharer.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Oh bahahaha that was hilarious
A guy in one of my classes this week had toilet paper stuck to his shoe 
seems to be the week for it! 
August 14th, 2008 at 1:39 am
Oh GOD, I couldn’t take the time to read all of the comments becasue I was laughing so fucking hard at the pictures you paint of yourself in your situations…damn girl, you need to write for a comedian or something and get even more famous….yes, you do kick ARSE!
August 14th, 2008 at 6:41 am
Oh damn! Better a little bit of TP, than part of your skirt wedged into your hosiery.
August 14th, 2008 at 8:07 am
I gotcha beat … There’s this one time (not at band camp) when I gave a meeting. A good 45 minute meeting and at the end when I asked if anyone needed any additional clarification (cuz I use big words in meetings) this kid up front near me, ’bout 23-24 years old, raises his hand and says “You have a booger hanging there and it’s been waving at me this whole time, like ‘Hi - look at me!’. Sorry, thought you should know.”
Professional. FAIL.
August 14th, 2008 at 8:50 am
Wouldn’t it be easier to pad the area with Tena or one of those comfy incontinence products? They don’t slip out your knickers and cause embarrassment.
August 14th, 2008 at 8:57 am
I just read this article and thought of you!
http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/news/world/vienna-hospitals-ban-crocs/2008/08/13/1218306948271.html
I had to make my LJ Friends Only because some seriously odd person with “anti-circumcision” listed in their interests and nothing at ALL in common with me was reading it, and I have pictures of Josiah on there. But I’m thinking of re-opening my blog soon.
But I do love you!! I’m always snorting at things you say and reading them out to DH, who then gets annoyed, because you know, he’s trying to concentrate on WoW *eye roll* He thinks Boo is the shiznit though ;o)
August 14th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
My bad!
August 15th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
um, this would so happen to me. it so would.
August 18th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
I would have done EXACTLY the same thing. I am incapable of keeping my own humiliation to myself. I must tell everyone just how embarassingly awful it was. So that they, too, can think that I’m an idiot.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:36 am
Certainly better than when I walked around with my pants unzipped for 3+ hours and white deoderant stripes on the outside of my black knit top from taking it off/on for pumping. Unfortunately, I’m sure everyone noticed because I was NOT wearing any sort of cute shoes. I’m sure no one said anything to me because they were probably thinking, “poor girl, just came back after maternity leave and can’t even figure out how to get dressed anymore.”
August 19th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
*snirk*.. (there is a ninja on my blog)
August 21st, 2008 at 3:35 am
Bwahahahahahaha!
Hilarious!
And I’ve been out of town with limited to no internet access. I’ve missed reading your hilarious stories!
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