Sights and smells in the local supermarket.
So I ventured to the supermarket cause I was out of chocolate and vodka fresh produce, wearing my purdy shoes. A girl needs to feel purdy when venturing out with the great unwashed.
Armed with my shopping list, I parked next to the most expensive cars I could find - just to add a little excitement to my day - pleaded with Boo to ‘open the door carefully’ and waited patiently for him to let me out of the car.
Cause apparently I am incapable of opening a car door myself. I need to wait till Boo comes and opens the door for me. Then I am required by law or something, to say ‘Thankyou kind sir’. Which is greeted with ‘Thankyou kind sir is not good enough MUM’ by Boo.
He he he. Well the first million times anyway.
Luckily I didn’t have to write a note for a windscreen, the other cars were intact, and we strolled hand in hand into the supermarket. If ‘by hand in hand’ actually means ‘holding his wrist in a death grip lest he run into one of the 40 4wheel drives careening around the carpark’.
We enter by the door furthest away from the car. Cause that is the way Boo rolls. He is all about the inconvenience.
I fight some punk for a basket. Just because he is like 5 or something doesn’t give him the right to that damn basket. Where is the respect? He cries and runs to his mummy admits defeat and the basket is MINE. Sucka!
I break out the list. And find it is one of Boo’s drawings. Dammit. So I go by my stellar memory skillz.
Oooh, something shiny!
We wander up and down the aisles and I chuck random shit in the basket. Boo runs ahead of me to converse with the cleaning fluids and laundry products.
Dude loves him some Napisan OxyAction.
I slowly saunter down after him with visions of floors so clean you can eat off, courtesy of all these amazing products. Who am I kidding? As long as I don’t step on something squishy or crunchy that is good enough for me. Who eats off the floor anyway? Oh, right, yeah. That would be Boo… Meh. Builds up immunity or some such.
As I approach him I pass an old man. Who has just farted. And I had my mouth open. He had broccoli or cabbage for lunch. With a side of mystery meat. I can taste it.
My mouth is open because just past Boo there is a large woman, nay a fucking HUGE woman in a mini skirt and tank top. In the middle of winter. Her butterfly tattoo stretched so grostequely it looks like a bat. On steroids. With that gigantism shit.
Good thing I am in the cleaning aisle cause I need something strong to wash out my eyeballs. Man, I am gunna have nightmares about that shit and OH MY FREAKING GOD she is bending over to peruse the cleaning cloths and NO FUCKING WAY she is wearing a thong. Or maybe not…
ABORT ABORT ABORT!!!!!
But I am transfixed. I cannot tear my eyes away from the horror. Then I see Boo behind the mound that is her behind and he is so enamoured by the Napisan display he is about to take off. He is flapping his arms at warp speed and is starting to squeal in delight. Dude has some serious crushing going on with that pink container…
Then underwear nomming arse looks at Boo with disdain. And I am all ‘WTF mate?’ and I openly look at the woman. I look her up and down. And what is she wearing? You know it. You freaking KNOW IT.
Crocs.
My body starts to shake. The giggles erupt before I even know it. There I am, fabulous shoes and all, bent over laughing and Boo standing beside me, arms whirling with the rapture.
And the woman storms off. And the old man gives us a wide berth as he passes in the aisle.
And he farts again.
Dessert.
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70 Responses to “Sights and smells in the local supermarket.”
July 30th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
This should have come with a Govt Health Warning a la “Do Not Read Whilst Eating Spaghetti” or somesuch…
You know, just in case some poor suckka’s out there reading and eating dinner at the same time.
Or something.
July 30th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
That was a brilliant post. I could almost see and smell exactly what you were seeing and smelling.
July 30th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Oh my lordy I am laughing so damn hard right now. What a perfect blend of disgusting, disturbing and friggin hysterical!
July 30th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
I had a guy come in work a few weeks ago, and he had BO so bad I could taste it. I had to walk away from the till, eventually. Ten minutes later, I was watching customers walk towards the till, and seeing them screw their noses up as they smelt this guy’s stink.
/me shudders.
July 30th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
PMSL at the tatt description! I am not getting one til I slim down a bit more!
Oh and did you get the chocolate?
July 30th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
HILARIOUS!
And all my boys eat off the floor. All the time. Sometimes I even leave food ON the floor because I know they will come and eat it.
July 30th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Brilliant!
What colour were the crocs? I just want to get the picture right in my head. So I can LMAO again.
July 30th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Deeleea: Yeah, people keep saying that. But I wanna see EVIDENCE. A pic of a pasta smeared screen.
Tess: So did you wanna brush your teeth afterwards. I know I did. But dammit I forgot to buy a new toothbrush. It was on the list…
Lilacspecs: My life is just full of these little moments. Cause people suck. Not you. OR anyone that reads this of course.
Solomon: Oh *vomit* I hate that!
Ms Fifikins: NO!!! Dammit!
Kylie: Hmmmm, good idea. Or perhaps I should smear the floor with sweet potato to get him to the table?
Kitty: It was at Safeway tonight. Perhaps you should pop down there and see if she is still there. The crocs were baby blue. *vomit*
July 30th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Given Boo’s relationship with your doonas I’d say it’s a good thing he’s in love with Napisan OxyAction.
What the heck is it with overly large women and mini skirts? Do they not have mirrors in their houses?
July 30th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Thank you for the good laugh!
July 30th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
I am totally laughing, but the bat visual has robbed me of my desire to eat any breakfast…
July 30th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
I’m a bit miffed Boo didn’t take the woman to task.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Where have you been all my life? You embody the sense of humor I wish I had and have been trying to cultivate. Glad you exist!
July 30th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
I’m pretty sure I put a serious dent in a rib, yesterday. And I KNOW that when I fell, I tore up some muscle in the right side of my chest. And, of course, I did not sleep very well last night. But, the pain was beginning to subside. The important word here is ‘WAS’.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Thanks to you, i can no longer look at folks wearing crocks and NOT burst into laughter.
Thanks
Thanks alot.
July 30th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
ok, I just snorted my coconut slice
July 30th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Wait what’s wrong with Crocs? Crap and no miniskirts with my jellyroll? Double Crap…
July 30th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
at least she wasn’t wearing the fur-lined ones.
or was she?
oh please say no……….
July 31st, 2008 at 12:02 am
I ate a stranger’s fart (accidentally) in the Denver airport ladies room TWENTY years ago and I haven’t forgotten it. This will stick with you (heehee) for a long time.
July 31st, 2008 at 12:16 am
I was TOTALLY waiting to hear that Boo used a toothbrush on her ass.
July 31st, 2008 at 12:57 am
What the hell is it with old dudes farting in public? I thought for sure Boo was going to take an ass to the face at a full run.
July 31st, 2008 at 1:00 am
I just died.
July 31st, 2008 at 1:32 am
Um, ewwww…
And I still love my Crocs. Even bought a new, cuter pair the other day instead of the clogs. C’mon hon, it’s almost impossible to find hawt Kelley shoes in my size! LOL!
July 31st, 2008 at 2:03 am
That woman sounds like a good description of roughly half the people I saw in town today. I feel your pain. And the old dude farting? Wrong on so many levels.
July 31st, 2008 at 2:06 am
You have way too much fun.
July 31st, 2008 at 3:02 am
THIS is why I read your blog. Absolutely love this post. And “As long as I don’t step on something squishy or crunchy that is good enough for me. Who eats off the floor anyway? Oh, right, yeah. That would be Boo… Meh. Builds up immunity or some such.” EXACTLY! Although I’ve moved past “squishy or crunchy” and on to “as long as it doesn’t stick to my foot and not come off with a good shake.”
July 31st, 2008 at 3:58 am
Oh good god woman. Have you considered the grocery stores that deliver? Anything to escape croc woman and fart-boy. Although then what would Boo flap his arms at…you may be stuck.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:52 am
Are you sure you weren’t at MY local supermarket? Because that would totally happen.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:54 am
Broccoli and mystery meat! That’s HILARIOUS! And not a little bit disgusting. I love your daily adventures.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:10 am
Oh jeez… that shit is helarious.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:45 am
Oh I love your blog. I haven’t laughed this much in … well since my kid cracked me up about half an hour ago actually… but I didn’t snort coffee through my nose that time.
July 31st, 2008 at 10:10 am
Oh.dear.god.
I have the images burned into my brain now.
Thanks for sharing, Kel
How do I wash the inside of my skull?!
Oh wait…I’ll go drool over the pics Bettina posted up this morning
July 31st, 2008 at 10:37 am
I would have handed you that basket when you walked in the store and shopped right along with you. *SOMETHING SHINEY* Yes!
July 31st, 2008 at 12:26 pm
*snigger* Priceless, farkin’ priceless.
July 31st, 2008 at 1:33 pm
OMG! OMG! OMG! I have finally caught up on my Magneto Bold Too reading and feeeew!!! I’s tired from laughing!
I’s very, very ti-red.
Hilarious shit, girlfriend, HIGH-larious
July 31st, 2008 at 3:48 pm
What a picture you painted. Crocs are only cute on kids — but not MY kids. Hell no.
July 31st, 2008 at 7:22 pm
LOL.
There is tea on my keyboard now.
Thanks.
And
it came out of my nose, MY NOSE, Kelley.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Dessert… Bahahahahahaha
July 31st, 2008 at 9:55 pm
How dare you laugh - I mean, she obviously thought she looked good!
(And seriously, mirrors are SO ridiculously overpriced that only the wealthy can afford them! Unless she had one of those slimming mirrors made to order?)
Crocs - I hate those friggin things!
As for the old guy… ew. I would have said something like “oh dear, that sounded like a wet one!” Bahaha.
July 31st, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Geez. There’s a disgusting sight if ever I read one. I’m so sorry.
July 31st, 2008 at 11:08 pm
I love Boo! You know somewhere this woman is relating this experience to a friend and the friend replies, “I have no idea what they were laughing at. By the way, you look awesome in that tank top and mini!”
July 31st, 2008 at 11:12 pm
OMG, I’m snorting coffee all over my keyboard Kelley. This, my friend, was CLASSIC!!!
July 31st, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Thank you, thank you. Will now go to bed with the image of that woman’s butt in my head. Even though I did not personally see it, your description was … umm … detailed. If I have nightmares, I’m blaming you.
August 1st, 2008 at 3:59 am
I just fucking pissed myself!
August 1st, 2008 at 3:59 am
So many elements of great storytelling here!
August 1st, 2008 at 6:23 am
You should have looked her right in the eye and then said to Boo, “that reminds me…I need to pick up a rump roast for Sunday dinner…”
Supermarkets are a gold mine of blogging fodder!
August 1st, 2008 at 7:21 am
Mini skirt, tank top and CROCS?!? What is she 3 years old?
Brilliant post.
I think I threw up a little at the broccoli and cabbage though. Blech!
August 1st, 2008 at 9:25 am
I have not laughed that hard in over a month!
I think I peed.
August 1st, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Oh I love VE’s comment.
Hey, all of you out there with coffee & tea splattered keyboards? Haven’t you learnt yet? NO drinks or foodstuffs near the computer when you’re about to read Kelley’s latest. Arm’s length away, at least. Or a tablewidth….
August 1st, 2008 at 11:26 pm
I seriously cannot remember the last time I laughed this hard. You have a true gift. You’re like the foul-mouthed Ellen DeGeneres with your hilarious observation of everyday insanity. Love you!
August 2nd, 2008 at 5:40 am
Ok that was hilarious!!!! lol
August 2nd, 2008 at 11:10 am
Here I was, feeling mortified that my son called the dental hygienist “Penis Breath”. Thanks for giving me back my sense of humor today.
August 2nd, 2008 at 12:09 pm
oh you’re killin’ me!
Here you go…
http://icanhascheezburger.com/?s=this+is+how+stupid+U+look
August 2nd, 2008 at 12:36 pm
LMAO.
Can I link to you next week when I write about CROCS?
August 2nd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little - ewwww!
PS - I left you something shiny on my blog in case you wanna stalk me some more! I don’t mind the hawt lady stalkers, unless they’re wearing Crocs!
August 2nd, 2008 at 12:51 pm
OMG, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little - ewwwww!
Oh, and I left you something shiny on my blog in case you wanna stalk me some more. I don’t mind the hawt lady stalkers, unless they’re wearing crocs. Yuck.
August 2nd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
OMG, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little - ewwwww!
Oh, and I left you something shiny on my blog in case you wanna stalk me some more. I don’t mind the hawt lady stalkers, unless they’re wearing crocs. Tramp stamps & Crocs = Icky!
August 2nd, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Bwahahahahaa…omg, that was probably the funniest post you’ve ever written, Kel.
August 2nd, 2008 at 9:46 pm
I am so in love with immediate gratification that I could not stand not seeing the comment show up right away = all those repeats up there. Blond Noobie blogger on the loose, with white out all over the screen…
August 2nd, 2008 at 10:33 pm
What is it with fat chicks and crop tops? Message to people - do not reveal midriff or arse flesh in public unless it is perfect in all respects.
I of course am perfect and therefore qualified to make these judgements.
August 3rd, 2008 at 12:52 am
OMG….I decided to take a break from the beach to touch base with my girl…you are SO WORTH THE TIME….I was laughing so hard I choked on my own spit….god Kelley…you ARE the best!
August 3rd, 2008 at 3:20 am
OMFG. This post needs to win some sort of award. OR you need to start being a writer on Sat Night Live because they need you and I need to laugh like this more often!!!!!
August 4th, 2008 at 2:19 am
Sweet Jesus.
I could taste it, too.
Off to brush my teeth.
August 4th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Ick, so vivid, I feel like I was there. lol.
And I too was so hoping Boo would say something.
August 5th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
did she jiggle when she “humphed”?
August 7th, 2008 at 12:20 am
Absolutely hilarious! There is nothing worse than smelling a fart or b.o., yuck! The visual of the large woman will be stuck in my head all day, hahaha.
August 8th, 2008 at 3:44 am
ew!
that was hilarious! partly because I think that old farting man must be a world traveler because I’m certain he was in my local grocery store last weekend…
August 8th, 2008 at 11:08 am
You are such a sick, sick, sick woman. That, of course, is why I love you to death.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:40 am
You are too dang funny! I have seen that woman in Utah! She must really get around. Oh, and that old farty man–my hubby. He just farts and moves to another aisle, leaving his stench behind.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Take that vision of the lumpy woman, add some pantyhose that are all run up. Now picture her standing in front of a casket and bending OVER to kiss the deceased. In front of the congregation.
Damn I should have recorded Dad telling THAT story!
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