Party, par-tay and my husband thinks I am awesome.
Today was my mothers 60th birthday. For the first time EVER Golden Child bought her a gift.
And she didn’t stop gloating about it. A framed pic of him and his chick and one of those fucking digital photo frames. With a remote. I mean, who needs a remote for a picture frame? Arsehat.
Oh and the thing was full of pictures of his world travels and famous people he has met and blah blah blah… I gave you fucking GRANDCHILDREN woman. I was there through your self imagined health scares and drove through the night with 3 children to be with you when your breast reconstruction went pear shaped.
Where was he? Yeah, I dunno either.
Anyway, she was all ‘just get me bubble bath, I don’t need anything’ Damn Right you don’t need anything woman in your freaking McMansion. But nooooooo, I ain’t falling for that shit. No martyr moves gunna be made today lady.
So I went out and spent far too much money on presents and bubble bath and a fucking 30 buck baked cheesecake.
Take that!
Yeah, I have issues. A lot. Click here for a little taste, I don’t wanna get into it today. Cause I just got an email from Jenny with this attached:
“Hey chica! Thought you’d enjoy! You at Guy’s house.
~Jenny”
Guy you ask? If you have been living under a rock (and apparently like me, not cool enough to make it to AllTop, I mean what the fuck, Guy? Where did I go wrong? Is it the potty mouth or the awesome shoes or the newly acquired ‘not safe for work filters to allow through’ fuckity fuckness? Add me already. Oh and I want my own freaking category: ‘Awesome chicks that don’t fit in your damn pigeon holes’… um, please???) and if you don’t know who Guy is, check him out here…
I called MPS over. ‘Hey see that hot chick? That is The Bloggess and she is like an uber blogger. Almost as awesome as me’
‘Now that is pretty freaking awesome then!’ is what he said in my head. In reality it was something like ‘Yeah, get on with it woman, I am burning the dinner that YOU were supposed to cook but were too fucking lazy to get off your arse to do. And while I am at it, when are you gunna peel your arse off that chair cause I am thinking your skin may have grown around it…’ or something.
I flicked my hair in his general direction. A sort of fuck you for when the tiny echolalic terrorist is around.
‘See that bottle of wine? See my pic? See what she wrote?’
He glared at me. I guess thinking that would hurry me the fuck up or something. Meh, almost as many years as you get for murdering the bastard and he still hasn’t learned. Idiot.
‘Do you know which Guy she is talking about? Guy Kawasaki.’
Before he hit the floor in a dead faint of ‘fuck, my wife IS that awesome, I bow to her and will never complain about her playing with her imaginary blog friends’ I heard a faint whisper of ‘Guy Kawasaki….‘
Damn right fucker. I partied with my girl Jenny and your idol. Suck on that. Now get off the damn floor and clean the kitchen.
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If you are at BlogHer and have pics of me with you, send them to me and I will totally whore you out on my blog. And if you are not there and wanna take pics of yourself in compromising positions with one of my pics email me at take.me.to.blogher at gmail dot com and I will send them to you…
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30 Responses to “Party, par-tay and my husband thinks I am awesome.”
July 19th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
You have huge issues. Good thing you have a blog to vent on.
And making MPS faint would have made your day, no?
July 19th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Jenny emails you? You so lucky doll. She lives in my hometown & we keep saying we’re going to do lunch. I’ll TOTALLY bring “you” with me. Does hubby really worship Guy? Cause my hubby was like, “Who the fuck is Guy? Is he gay?”
July 19th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
I mean, who needs a remote for a picture frame?
Very very very lazy people. That said, you can do an awful lot of interesting things with a remote.
July 19th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Again, I bow down to you. The Bloggess has your email and actually writes you?
Guy needs to put me on AllTop too. I keep checking, but I’m never there. sigh.
P.S. I also have a Golden Child in my family. I get all the shit to deal with from my mom, but he, you know, walks on water.
July 20th, 2008 at 1:20 am
I’ma go read about your issues…issues entertain me.
:p
July 20th, 2008 at 1:21 am
Guy who?
the fella that used to be in neighbours?
July 20th, 2008 at 1:25 am
Mmmm… cheesecake. Sorry, got distracted.
I have a “Golden Child” brother, too. Was too busy globetrotting to come to my wedding. And yet remains my mother’s favourite. Probably because he’s the only boy. Thankfully he’s been too narcissistic to procreate.
And you’re not on Alltop? What is Guy thinking???? Perhaps after last night…
July 20th, 2008 at 2:21 am
Yeah, Guy who? Is that the guy who sells motorcycles?
I’m sending you a source & site that Tonya sent me, for Australian families. Hope it may be useful.
You were so good to your mother, to buy her the things you did. Life isn’t fair, that’s for sure.
July 20th, 2008 at 2:23 am
THAT’S who he is, a mechanic isn’t he?
July 20th, 2008 at 3:18 am
Loved the rant dear. I often wonder how people get on Altop too.
Is Witty Women w/Issues and Back Fat and Mother Rage and Spiked Heals a category?
Cause it should be. I’d be all over it.
And did you see Jenny’s pic of Guy’s backyard. Holy crap on a swimming pool.
July 20th, 2008 at 9:07 am
You know, when it comes right down to it, I would SO buy you shoes - I love you that much.
And if you email me a picture (doesn’t even have to be nude) I’ll paint you.
Because I love you THAT MUCH.
July 20th, 2008 at 9:46 am
So you finally made MOTY her bitter almond cake?
If not, why not?
We have judges who would dismiss all charges under justifiable homicide, ya know
July 20th, 2008 at 10:07 am
I can’t make Alltop either. I mean, what the fuck? We are the two awesomest chicks in the world, and not only are we not on Alltop…we’re not at BlogHer. Well, at least part of you is.
I’m going to refill my glass now. I’m officially depressed.
July 20th, 2008 at 10:55 am
I don’t think you need to worry about getting on his list…you have a pretty damn good following yourself and frankly, he looks totally full of himself….probably does himself too….the fop.
IGNORE your mum when she is an asshole…or how do you say it? ARSEhole….better to let it go than stew over it…then she knows she has your number….change it and let her stew for a while, oh great and wonderful shoe goddess…..pics of Kelley’s eyes in Frisco for faux-Blogher on the way.
July 20th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I see I am now rubbing shoulders with the blogging elite.
Can’t wait to see where else your picture ends up at BlogHer.
July 20th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
I totally didn’t get it. (hangs head in shame) I stared at that picture for almost three minutes before I saw your eyes on the bottle label.
I think digital photo frames are pretty nifty. Not that I’ve got one.
What the heck kind of cheesecake costs $30?? It would want to be plenty fancy for that kind of $$$.
July 20th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Here is our picture from LAST NIGHT at blogher…
http://picasaweb.google.com/theclassychaos/BlogHer08/photo#5224951030012315634
July 20th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
mmm…cheesecake.
Worth every dollar. I hope you didn’t let MOTY have any. I hope you totally ate it in front of her and the golden child.
I dislike golden children.
July 20th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
You need to much wine more often. It’s quite entertaining! Plus, you actually visit my blog then! You miss my blog next week though and I’m gonna have to make fun of your shoes. I’ll be publishing something special on Monday and leaving it up for the week cause I’m busy on Tuesday with my birthday and wedding and all…
July 20th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I can so relate to MPS and the Kawasaki-induced faint. God damn, you are awesome, woman!
July 20th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
I know of someone at BlogHer, I’ll see what I can do. Check out http://www.sundrymourning.com and she actually has a photo of herself with her ARM AROUND GUY!!
July 20th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Veronica: You are damn right! On both counts.
Anglophile Football Fanatic: Firstly, can I call you AFF? Cause typing out that whole name does my head in and I keep thinking I have made a mistake. Then I get distracted by the shiny… and you know, oooh shiny! WHEN you go out to lunch let me know and I will send a pic of me in the correct attire. Hooker boots?
Solomon: So I have heard… *snigger*
Mrs Schmitty: With the water restrictions here my Golden Child brother walks on cake. And diamonds.
Lilacspecs: I am all about the entertaining of the internetz with my sad sad life.
BoxBoy: I will tell him you said that. Cause God gave him smiting powers you know.
Latte Mommy: I know! Dude, I was all ‘WTF Guy’ and he was all ‘Give me your RSS’ and I was all ‘Hey, you don’t subscribe to my blog already? Man…’ and he was all ‘NEXT!’
Coast Rat: You are awesome. Totally.
BoxBoy: Your smiting is gunna be epic, boy.
Kiki: Day-um, those pics! He could sing Pink songs ‘your whole house can fit in my swimming pool’ or somesuch. I am thinking more like birdbath or bathroom.
lceel: Seriously? Awesome!
Jayne: The cheesecake was covered in almonds.
Ree: You know we are just too fucking awesome. That is the problem. I bet Dooce called Guy and said ‘I am totally giving up blogging if you put those chicks on AllTop’
hotmamamia: SQUEEEEEE! Looking forward to seeing the pics!
Riayn: Lets hope it is not under someones shoe in the mens loos…
River: Perhaps I should have circled it? The cheesecake was totally worth it. I am thinking of skipping eating for Mon, Tues and Wed so I can get another.
OhMommy: Hot damn! That is fucking AWESOME!
Tiff: Golden Child was not there. Golden Child lives in Sydney. Overlooking the Harbour Bridge. Fucking Golden Child.
VE: Have emailed you dude. And I wasn’t even drunk.
Kitty Polestar: Seeing it was Guy that brought us together, I can see why!
Gnometree: Bwaaaa haaa haaaaaa! Cool!
July 21st, 2008 at 5:21 am
I put the pics of you keeping my coffee warm on my blog. You had a great time!
BTW, I’m on alltop because I wrote Guy and told him (or his minions) that I had a huge crush on him. But I didn’t get invited to the party. Maybe I scared him a bit?
July 21st, 2008 at 8:10 am
fuckity fuckness
I think I have found my new mantra.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:29 am
A special song for Kelley’s mother:
Happy Birthday to you; you don’t have a clue.
That Kelley is the awesome daughter
And your son is a fucking twat!
Or something like that. And I don’t care that it doesn’t rhyme.
Hope the kitchen is glistening!
July 21st, 2008 at 6:38 pm
I can’t believe you’re not on Alltop!
And, some other stuff. My sister is the golden child because she never left…but she didn’t leave because my father bought her a house and car and everything she could ever want and didn’t even flipping pay for my college edumacation! Yeah, I have issues too.
July 22nd, 2008 at 4:02 am
You made me laugh for the first time all day. God, I needed that.
July 22nd, 2008 at 4:34 am
You were at Guy’s house? Woot.
July 30th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
shit, I’d post my pix of you but I’m too busy laughing over “tiny echolalic terrorist”
July 31st, 2008 at 10:55 pm
You roar, my friend. You were at GUY’s???!!!! On a bottle of wine held by the Bloggess herself, no less…
I got lost; but then found at some Blogher party as anonymous “head on a stick”.
I am so not worthy
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