I ain’t got no more kidneys to sell…
So on Monday I sold a kidney to send something to my rockin’ babe Redneck Mommy.
This morning I sold the other one to HALF FILL my car with crack cocaine. Cause that shit is cheaper than that black gold, Texas tea, people.
And apparently you only have two of those babies, so I am planning on filtering my urine through a coffee filter. Cause that will work right?
So no more kidneys, no hope of no stinking therapy for my blood sucking leeches darling children. Just gotta hope they follow in their mothers footsteps and get themselves knocked up to a cradle robber at 19. Or get a freaking job that doesn’t involve asking ‘you want fries with that?’, or develop an aversion to eating or being dressed in clothes, preferring black rubbish bags. Cause black is slimming and shit. And the ultimate in wash and wear. Stand outside while Mum hoses you down, with the added benefit of watering the garden, cause I am all about the multitasking AND conserving water to save the planet.
You are welcome.
So I can hear you saying, get to the point biatch, focus and let us know why you need to be a mutant and have extra hiding Ninja kidneys. Oh and why do you think your kids need therapy? Besides the obvious of never being able to live up to a mother who is so freaking fabulously awesome that they will forever be living in her shadow?
No, they are not adopted, BoxBoy.
Moo had a late class yesterday and her friend A, was sleeping over here afterwards. The girls were at the local university mixing carcinogens with DNA to make their own super mutant Damn Emo cancer. Apparently the teacher thought better of allowing Damn Emos to unleash their own designer cancer on the world, something about tenure and law suits and mutant babies or something, so they did something else. All I heard was yada yada yada when they were telling what they did instead, cause I was all depressed about not having a cancer named after me. Dammit.
So I was sitting in the lounge whispering soft sweet nothings to a freaking awesome glass of wine when I heard a commotion from the other side of the house. I turned up the TV to drown out the shrieks. As you do.
When my curiosity got the better of me, and I couldn’t hold on any longer and had to go to the bathroom, I wandered down there to find Moo and A giggling in her room, Too quiet in her room with the door closed.
‘Go into Too’s room Mum’
I walked in and found this:
Ceiling cat.
Apparently the commotion I heard was A jumping Too, smothering her with a blanket while Moo put Ceiling Cat on her roof.
‘You want the URL so you can blog it Mum?’
Damn right, Damn Emo! So here it is: you can make your OWN CEILING CAT! Awesome.
After calming down I went back to my lover wine. To find Boo sitting on the lounge, nekkid save a blanket that he previously used as toilet paper, strumming his git-arrrr. I looked a bit closer and sat down to plan how I am going to steal kidneys from people to pay for my own freaking therapy.
Mark. His git-arrr is named Mark. And apparently he is his BBF and I need to plan a birthday party for him. And he likes corn chips.
Oh and my kids bought me a present!
It is a personal fan that you can program to flash a message. And yes, my Damn Emos programmed it to say ‘Bite me Biatch’. Noice.
Anyone know of any good surgical supply websites? And if I snap freeze my victims kidneys will they still be viable?
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49 Responses to “I ain’t got no more kidneys to sell…”
July 16th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Oooh…that is some fab school holiday craft, we shall all be makin’ ceiling cats today.
July 16th, 2008 at 11:37 am
I love your kids. LOL
July 16th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Just yours though.
July 16th, 2008 at 11:40 am
[…] via teh awesome Kelley and her damn […]
July 16th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Those damn Emos! and forget the kidneys sell something else like your eggs!
July 16th, 2008 at 11:51 am
I sent you a picture thru stumbleupon. Don’t know if you have seen it, but I saw it and it screamed ‘KELLEY!’ at me. So I had to send it.
July 16th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Oh, honey, they’ll name a cancer after you. It’s called GRANDCHILDREN.
July 16th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Babe, you live in a zoo. Much to my amusement.
July 16th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Your kids are so damn awesome. Enjoy them. Have instructed my son to make me a ceiling cat (without using existing living feline inhabitants of the house and making real holes in the ceiling). Think I’m getting a cake instead.
PS: Put me on the guest list for Mark’s birthday party (promise I won’t bring a gift wrapped sweet potato).
July 16th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
You know, you have a liver that you can probably sell. But you’ll have to give up the wine.
July 16th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
marketing a line of ceiling ninjas– that would make you millions
July 16th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
your kids totally have your number. that fan is awesome.
July 16th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Your kids are so sweet; or I mean kule…
July 16th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
A fan that says Bite Me Bitch. The love from Moo and Too just oozes out the monitor.
I think I need to make a ceiling cat and stick it on Tom’s ceiling and wait and see how long til he notices. {evil cackle}
July 16th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Killing myself laughing over Mr. Lady’s brilliant comment.
Heh.
I think I’ll pass on the ceiling cat url…the only p*ssy I want my husband looking up at in our bedroom is mine.
Wink, wink.
July 16th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Do you think maybe they’ll add wine in with your dialysis? I think those places would be hopping if they could add the booze while taking out the pee. A continual loop, right?
July 16th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Kelley, your is a Monty Python episode.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Seriously, such the entertaining life you have. I need to move in, kay?
July 16th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I read you blog, I laugh (snap freezing does work . . . for veggies. Not so sure about organs), I read you comments (Momisodes) and I laugh.
If you keep this up, I may end up with abs of steel yet.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Your kids are awesome. That gift is spot ON!
I should get my dog a ceiling cat. Could keep him busy for hours
July 16th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Your kids are way too cool. Why can’t all kids be like them? I would love to have kids if they stuck Ceiling Cat on my ceiling.
July 16th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Spooky, I twittered about having to sell a kidney before I saw your post…
Wanna buy my kidney? I need to get my toof fixed…
July 16th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I love me some damn emos.
July 16th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
i want a ceiling ninja.
July 16th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Oh, I so hvae to make that and put it on our ceiling, it will drive my cat nutters! roflmao!
Your babes are true progeny, you didn’t think you would get anything less, did you? heheh
July 16th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Janet, you could paint it all black except a strip across the eyes and it would BE a ceiling Ninja! WOO HOO!
July 16th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
I love your kids! Did they have to sell a kidney for the “bite me biatch” fan?
My kids are so clean cut, my daughter would never buy me something and program it with dirty words. Of course, yesterday she did come in and say the pool was Ass cold and then I realized that we can never go visit grandparents again. Meh.
July 16th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
You sold BOTH kidneys? Foolish woman! Should have just sold one. One from you, one from Moo, one from Too, one from MPS…….you get the picture.
LOVE the ceiling cat.
July 16th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
The ceiling cat is funny, really funny, but that fan? Now THAT’S hysterical.
July 16th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Don’t fuss about surgical supplies - use the toilet paper supply from work for sopping up the blood, fishing line from Boo’s guitar for stitching, a bath tub full of ice and a bottle of really cheap gut-rot scotch doubles as a great anesthetic.
Then you’re rockin’, recycling AND pumping up that bank account of yours!
July 16th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
We must do those ceiling cats tomorrow!
Way cool.
July 16th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
I hope you don’t mind if I think your daughters sound pretty cool. I know they’re emo and all, but unless you’re one of those froofy pink cheerleader types, I think most highschoolers are some form of emo. It comes with the hormones.
July 16th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Yeesh. At first I thought that ceiling cat was a bat, and I wondered why your kids were so happy about it!
July 16th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Leaving a comment so you don’t hurt me. But laughing too hard to say anything sensible!! Want that fan!
July 17th, 2008 at 12:24 am
Lol!! Thank you for making me laugh!!
July 17th, 2008 at 1:06 am
Ok, this is funny as all get out!!! Your kids are awesome!
July 17th, 2008 at 1:09 am
Your kids are freaking awesome!
July 17th, 2008 at 3:55 am
I’ve got one of those above our bed.
Except it’s not a cat, it’s the baby Jesus.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:05 am
I want that fan!!! OMG, you have no idea how bad I want that fan!!!! I’ll totally sell a kidney.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Bahahaha…. You need kidneys ?? I ain’t going NEAR you when I visit.
Cool cats
July 17th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Leigh: And I wanna see pics!
Maria: Glad you clarified that, thought you were going soft on me…
DirtyDivasLaundry: Yeah! Then I can like breed a whole world on Ninja!
Veronica: AND it was AWESOME! I stumbled it too if anyone wants to see it.
MrLady: Damn right woman! Oh and mother in laws…
Melain: Yup, feeding time is an event. But don’t get too close, cause they can be vicious.
Kitty Polestar: Apparently Mark is having a themed party. Rocky Horror…
Ree: Liver is worthless, even the body snatchers don’t want it.
Deb on the Rocks: Yeah! And I can be ShoeWhore Ninja.
Magpie: Unfortunately, yes.
Karen: Yeah, but Damn Emos don’t like the elderly thinking they are cool. And by elderly I mean anyone over 25. Except for Johnny Depp.
Jen: Did you do it?
Redneck Mommy: It might be distracting and you can speed sleep.
Anglophile Football Fanatic: How awesome would that be? And they could switch it for red cordial as well.
lceel: That was the BEST. COMPLIMENT. EVA!!! Love you long time.
Zoeyjane: Just making up your bed now. You don’t mind sleeping in the hall do you?
LaskiGal: A new marketing angle! Read MB2 and get abs of steel and clean nasal passages…
Sandy: Lovin’ that you are tormenting your dog! Practice for when Babisodes gets older!
Riayn: Years of having to put up with an insane mother will do it for you.
Deeleela: I KNOW! How freaky was that!
Shamelessly Sassy: Damn Emos are rather awesome. As long as you feed them regularly.
The planet of Janet: ME TOO! Awesome!
Goaldeebug: I was hoping for a Edina/Saffron kinda relationship. Who is gunna look out for me?
Kylie: Methinks you need to buy her some underwear if she is complaining of a cold arse
River: Damn it! Why didn’t I think of that. Drugging the kids tonight cause I need some more fuel for the car…
Robin: You should have seen the proud looks on their faces when they brought it to me.
Jayne: And then the blood filled bath on the garden… W00T!
Tiff: If you do it you HAVE to share!
Lilacspecs: My Damn Emos are not actual Emos. I call them that to piss them off and make them Emo-ey… so I guess they are then right?
Beth: Bwaaa haaaa haaaaa! A bat?
Spotrick: I have you well trained…
Casdok: You are welcome. As long as you are laughing WITH me babe…
The Diva’s thoughts: Damn right!
Alison: Yes they are. But don’t tell them I said that or they will lose all their Emo’s.
BoxBoy: Bwaaaaa haaaa haaaaaa!!!!
Maternal Mirth: Want me to send you one? I will need your kidney first.
Widdle Shamrock: Day-um. I had you on my list and everything.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Uh…you know what ceiling cat watches, right?
http://honestape.net/images/zzz000077.jpg
Eeeewwww.
July 18th, 2008 at 12:49 am
Ceiling cat? Ok, that is lost on me.
Oh and my kidneys are already accounted for. Sorry:)
July 18th, 2008 at 2:28 am
Can’t you just use kidney beans to replace your kidneys? What the hell else are they good for!
July 18th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Awesome. Fucking Awesome.
July 19th, 2008 at 8:00 am
Thanks for the ceiling cat link. Imagine the fun I can have with my kids. They won’t be making them but they will be screaming when they find them….Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaa
July 19th, 2008 at 11:34 am
PMSL at the ceiling cat!!
and <3 that fan lol
July 19th, 2008 at 11:57 am
I only hope that one day I can be as lucky as you and have my own children call me a “biatch.” That, right there, is true hawtness.
September 12th, 2008 at 12:56 am
ah, i lurve ceiling cat… MAKEzine posted that a few months before you… i printed it of course… but i’m running out of ink so I have a semi-purple ceiling cat… will have to redo it when i get more ink… maybe it will keep Punk nice if he thinks Ceiling Cat is watching him. Damn CrackCat keeps beating the crap out of me.
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