Of twits and twats Tuesday
Today’s instalment of the Magneto Bold Too made up memes is Of Twits and Twats Tuesday. This is actually something I found in my drafts folder, full of 10’s of hundreds of fucking drivel wonderous nuggets of bitchiness.
I went to school with a guy named Twat. 90% of my school was either Greek or Vietnamese so I assume he was Vietnamese. There was another guy called Fook. And Fook ‘n Twat (say it fast) hung around together. But Fook went and changed his freaking name and ruined the joke.
Bastard.
~~~
We had a guy friend O, who hung on our every word. We let him hang around cause his friend was H.O.T. English guy, just off the boat, with the sexiest posh accent. Made me slip slide off my plastic chair I tell ya, whenever he had to speak in front of the class. We nicknamed O, Fugly. He thought it was fabulous and signed his name that way for ages. Until some biatch told him what it meant. And ruined the joke.
Biatch.
~~~
As a teen I used to babysit a 6 year old girl. She spend most of her time with her finger up her nose. I told her if she kept doing that her head would cave in. And she needed to pull her ponytail high up in the air to prevent this happening. She started getting arm cramps from holding up her hair. Her mother took her to the doctors cause of the pain in her arm….. and the joke was ruined.
And I was never asked to baby sit again.
Stoopid child.
~~~
Whenever the song ‘Four to the floor’ came on I would tackle my girls and make them press their foreheads to the floor. Got to the point where as soon as the song started they would throw themselves to the floor, forehead pressing the pavement, to ruin my fun.
But one day on the school bus the song came on and Moo dropped to the floor. In front of her friends. Bwaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaaa.
Pavlov Emo
~~~
I threaten my mother constantly with making her a ‘Bitter Almond Tart’, she is all ‘that would be lovely!’ and my father and I roll around the floor laughing.
Then she told her sister about it. She asked me why I would want to feed my mother arsenic. My father and I rolled around the floor laughing. MOTY has stopped asking me to bake for her.
Un-nomming inheritance spender
~~~
One day it was raining heavily. We were all gathered around the window at work marveling at how heavy it was all of a sudden. One woman, I will name her Too-Stupid-to-Breathe-and-Chew-Gum (TSBCG), commented that it was raining cats and dogs. I turned to her an said ‘You can’t say that any more. The Humane Society decreed that it is animal cruelty and not politically correct. You now have to say raining chairs and tables’.
‘Oh!’ says TSBCG ‘Sorry!’
And now TSBCG comments about the furniture raining down. No freaking sport in that though. She is an idiot.
Fish in a barrel
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Shoe of the day:
These gorgeous babies were bought for me by Moo. With her own money. Let me repeat that. A teenage girl, out with friends in the city, spent her own money on a pair of shoes for her Mummy.
Cause I am that awesome.
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37 Responses to “Of twits and twats Tuesday”
July 1st, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Jealous that I don’t have feet that look good in shoes. Size 10-11 extra wide. Sigh. But I will live vicariously through yours. They are awesome! Well done Moo!
July 1st, 2008 at 9:12 pm
I’ve got a pair just like that
July 1st, 2008 at 9:19 pm
You’ve just brightened my day. I’m going to be giggling about these all day today.
July 1st, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Sometimes you scare me a little.
July 1st, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Who can top friends whose name were Fook and Twat?
July 1st, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Thanks for the laugh Kelley.. and yay for the mooshoos
July 1st, 2008 at 10:21 pm
There’s a restaurant in Melbourne called Fook King…
Luurrve the shoes, you have trained Moo well. Just think what she’ll be buying you when she’s 25 and has a real income.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:30 pm
You know … Catholic girls don’t wear shiny shoes. ‘Cause they reflect UP. Makes you think twice about going commando, doesn’t it?
July 1st, 2008 at 10:49 pm
You are so on a roll! I’m jealous of the shoes too. I’ll miss you when I go away
July 1st, 2008 at 10:55 pm
fantastic post! I am wiping tears away!
July 1st, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Why do people always have to go and ruin all the fun?
July 1st, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Those were WONDERFUL…love the missmash of stoopid people…. LOL…this will keep me entertained all day!
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:05 am
Good God those are some hotness.
I’m naming my 3rd child Twat. Is that not a proper name in your country?
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:07 am
But I thought MOTY was already a Bitter Almond Tart?
Well done on the training of Moo!
You get an elephant stamp and a gold star next time it rains tables and chairs
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:10 am
You know, that God-like-courier was so good, I kept him all to myself. Not enough to share.
Thanks for the info about the gravatar thingy, but they told me I had already done it or some such crap. I give up on the avatar.
Those look a lot like Ruby Slippers. Do you click your heels together and say “There’s no place like home”? I preferred the original wearer to the vomity Dorothy anyway…..
Somewhere, over the rainbow…
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:35 am
I hate memes. Even though I hate memes. I still get tagged. So I make fun of memes when I get tagged. Which doesn’t help, because then I get more tags…
I see you’ve solved the problem eh? Just through some random stuff from your archive of written posts that haven’t made it yet… I LIKE IT!
Your famiily must be a riot.
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:03 am
tables and chairs? that was the best thing you could think of to tell a brainless woman? i’m disappointed in you, kel.
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:33 am
You crack me up, very funny. And I love the shoes! Boo is a dear kid, especially for her age. You are quite lucky.
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:23 am
there used to be a chinese restaurant in chinatown in los angeles called man fuk lo.
i shit you not. endless amusement.
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:44 am
Bwahahahaha. I love those Asian names. We have a restaurant here called Hung Far Low but try as women might, they don’t serve weiners!!! You should have told the daughter upon being presented shoes….”I told you Italian Leather! How many times do I have to say it…” just to mess with her. Emo kids…without ‘em, who’d take out the garbage.
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:24 am
WOOOOOOOOOOO MOO!
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:54 am
I think you found your own personal meme. Please make this a weekly thing. I’m sure you have enough twits and twats around to fill up a post every week.
Cute shoes.
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:48 am
Oooo those shoes are pretty! Sexy mama.
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:25 am
I love the shoes and the fact that Moo bought them for you is even better!!
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:08 am
Moo must lurve you LOTS! Those are awesome!
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:31 am
Another rockin’ pair of shoes. I am not a shoe person, but you might just convert me!
And does Moo ever want to borrow those beauties?
My daughter wears the same size shoe as me, but we never share shoes (see above)
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:27 am
I will have those shoes too.
When I was six, I lived across the road from a boy in my class called Michael Hunt. One day I called him Mike and his dumbass dad went mental and told me that his name was MICHAEL NOT MIKE. I just thought he was insane until I saw Porkies many years later. Stoopid parents calling their kid “Mike Hunt”
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Babe, you ARE that awesome.
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Love the red…do you have dancer’s toes??? The points on those puppies have to pinch the dogs a bit?!?
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:27 pm
I just love to look at other people’s shoes. My shoes look exactly the same every day.
When I was younger, while I never completely understood the reference, I always assumed I must be a lesbian because Robin Williams said “they’re women in comfortable shoes.”
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Oh ha ha there’s the laugh I was needing. LOVE the twits and twats. More please?
Go moo on the wondrous shoes. Isn’t it great when kids buy you stuff? (Real stuff not macaroni mothers day necklaces.)My girl buys me tv’s and dvd players whenever mine dies.
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Luv the shoes. I wish my kids bought me shoes….hang on…no I don’t. I’ve got boys.
July 3rd, 2008 at 12:34 am
You are the queen of good jokes! I need to take lessons from you.
And your daughter.. wow… There are no words, for the shoes or her gesture. They are both just AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 3rd, 2008 at 6:25 am
Dang! I haven’t had someone bug me a pair of shoes since….high school. *sigh*…Where did I go wrong?
These, killed me
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:17 am
I hate to contradict you because I am sure you are awesome (duh! of course you are) but your teen daughter bought you shoes, those kick-ass shoes, with her own money? Oh, yeah, she’s that awesome. Oh, and will you let her know that I wear an 8 1/2?
July 7th, 2008 at 5:37 am
Too damn funny.
Adding you to my sidebar, fo sho.
Kaui
http://partywithaninfant.blogspot.com
July 9th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Moo is an incredible girl — you’re raising her right!
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