Where is my union rep?
I mean, for fuck sakes there has to be someone out there that will help me negotiate with these slobs that keep turning up in this house and calling me ‘Mummy’ and ‘Honey’ and ‘Where is my????’
I have Boo home from school. I have eleventy hundred phone calls to make and spreadsheet thingies to do cause it is the end of the financial year and all.
And Moo pea-ed on the floor.
How fucking hard is it to pick up a pea that dropped from your dinner plate?
So with my best Irish accent, cause every union rep I have ever met is Irish - what is with that? - I present you my list of demands.
DO NOT ever EVER say ‘you only work 3 days a week’. Yes, I work in an office 3 days a week, but I work harder when I am at home cleaning up your fucking mess. So if one of your friends pops over - un-fucking-announced - consider your testicles fair game if you mention this while I am vacuuming and you are lounging. That smile I gave you? It wasn’t a smile, it was me contemplating whether bunneh’s eat testicles raw or roasted.
When you go to the bathroom and the roll of toilet paper runs out, it is not acceptable to leave it on the floor. Pull that shit again and I will pack it in your lunch bag. With your sandwich inside it. To keep it protected like. Oh and I might have to dip it in the toilet first, just to keep your sandwich moist.
It is not a good idea to just throw your clothes on the floor of the laundry room. I spent hours sorting your fucking washing and if it is on the floor it is not sorted, therefore will not be washed. But I may use it to clean the toilet.
If you want to be driven somewhere there is a right and a wrong way to ask. DO NOT come up to me all ‘come on Mum! I need to be at whatever in five minutes!’ cause that will just piss me off and lead me to give you ‘the look’. Give me fair warning and do nice shit for me and I may slow the car down enough for you to get out without breaking a limb.
When you are finished with a glass or plate, put it in the fucking dishwasher. Not in the general vicinity of the dishwasher, inside the fucker. How hard is it? Do you need me to write you a procedure? Cause I am kick arse at those bastards, I do them all the time at that place I go to when I am not cleaning your shit up or driving you mooching arse around.
School notices will be signed between the hours of 5pm and 9pm. Not thrust under my nose while I am sleeping and dreaming about hunky firemen having their way with me, or wiping your brothers arse.
But most importantly, just pick up your own shit! I know that you don’t give a flying fuck what this house looks like but for some reason the Child Protection Services do. And if Boo keeps up that screaming in the middle of the fucking night that he has gotten so fond of, they might just pay us a visit.
I will be able to explain the shit encrusted walls and front door but that pea on the floor might just get your arses hauled away…
Um, on second thoughts, carry on as you were. I will be hiding in the pantry with a block of chocolate and a bottle of Vodka planning my European holiday.
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52 Responses to “Where is my union rep?”
June 25th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I wish you were my mom growing up…mine refused to drive me anywhere without two weeks notice
Oh…and it’s Canadian holiday, biatch.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I have no idea how you do it. I think I would go insane after about 3 days. I can just barely keep the house clean that only has two humans and two dogs living in it.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Yep. Sounds like our place. I’m not liking teenagers very much at the moment. And as for the husband? Don’t get me fuckin’ started.
Asshats, all of them.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Love the last line! Oh, amen.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I so hear you.
Let’s go to Europe together…
June 25th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
I loved the pea’ed on the floor bit. I did a double take. MOO?!! Isn’t she like 16 or something?
And don’t talk to me about people who can’t clean up after themselves. I have left a man to his own devices and gone to live somewhere else and he rings me to say he cleaned the sitting room so I can come and visit, but . . . the toilet! the kitchen! the piles of rubbish falling off everything! He doesn’t see it. He’s willing, but I have to give him specifics. I just want to stay here where it’s clean and nobody is following me around messing it all up again.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Huckdoll: Now I know why people have those stupid freaking Mums Taxi signs in their cars…
Riayn: And you can put the dogs outside or at least close the door on them!
Suze: I will book you a seat with me K?
Maggies Mind: Wanna come with? We could make a blogging mums go wild world tour!
Frogdancer: Yup, you are on the list.
Hilary: When I have millions of dollars (and I will!) I will have a little house all of my own. And it will be clean and full of flowers. And nothing but chocolate and alcohol in the cupboards.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Oy…my boyfriend does most of those things and we don’t even have kids yet…I’m afraid.
June 25th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I could pop over and put the fear of All That Is Mother into them…but I wouldn’t want to steal a grand moment like that from you Kelley
Tip : go with the whip, bitchin’ boots and goth make-up, it scares them even more to think they might be seen in public with you dressed like that 
June 25th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I am totally there on the blogging mums go wild extravaganza tour.
June 25th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Right there with ya! I mean it’s hard enough to clean up after myself and three little people, let alone the apparent grown man who shares the abode. How can one grown man make more mess than 3 children? Answer me that and I’ll join you on your European Holiday!
June 25th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
that dishwasher thing? it has infected my house. why IS it that the dishwasher can be nearly empty (and dirty) and the sink is FILLED TO OVERFLOWING with glasses, spoons and cereal bowls??
June 25th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
drop me off in holland will you?
June 25th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
and this is why i never plan on driving.
dude. want me to bust some kneecaps?
June 25th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
What IS it with the damn dishwasher?!? How can it possibly be easier to put the dishes into the sink than right there into the dishwasher that’s right next to it?!?!? Aaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!
June 25th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
You’d so better be stopping off in Scotland to visit me on yr European holiday missus!
June 25th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
I’ve just recently heard that I am one of the two worst Prep mothers for sending back school notes on time. The other one is a teacher too!
June 25th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Aah, the love/hate relationship that is family..
Answer all requests with a blank look and “Who ARE you people, what are you doing in my house?”
I love your idea for keeping sandwiches protected.
We pea’ed on the floor regularly in our house when the kids were little. Daddy taught them how to slingshot peas off the spoons…
“nothing but chocolate and alcohol in the cupboards” WHAT?!! No coffee? I have to BRING MY OWN?? Humph!
June 25th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
bad day?
June 25th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Lilacspecs: Train him now, or run.
Jayne: But I don’t actually have to go out like that do I mum?
Suze: Awesome! Only rule is kick arse shoes and no crocs…
Kin: I can’t answer that, but will you come anyway? We have DARK CHOCOLATE CLINKERS!!!!
The Planet of Janet: The cry of mothers all over the world…
Bettina: Why Holland?
Zoeyjane: Yup. While you are doing it I will pour the drinks.
Robin: bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaa!
Marilyn: You betcha. Make sure there is plenty of wine and no one under the age of 18 around.
Tess:
I often have Boo’s teacher walk up to me with the note and a pen! But that is because most notes have been digested by the tiny terrorist before making it home.
River: Coffee is a given my lovely. And I keep it in a special jar next to the machine. I am so using your line!
June 25th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
I would love to stop having to tell my teenage daughter to put away the dishes. It’s her job EVERY day and I still have to tell her to do it.
And my boys are totally hopeless…my fault really.
But I’m already in Europe…so I’ll take an Australian holiday. Ooh, you can switch with me. Just the countries, not the families:).
June 25th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
…..he “pea’d” on the floor. You SO got me with that one. Hey, it’s better than horseshit throughout the house like my family, huh? LOL
June 25th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Number one son spills milk on the kitchen floor. Number two son is standing right there and sees it. Does #1 say, “Uh oh, I’d better clean that up.”? Does #2 say, “Hey, you’d better clean that up.”?
Does #2 say, “Hey, let me help you clean that up.”?
No. #1 stands there and stares at it and #2 says, “Mom’s gonna be pissed when she sees that.”
Stupid fucker was right.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
I find that rum goes better with chocolate. You should just keep the closet stocked.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
In my house, I’m not allowed to clean up because it’s apparently an insult to the people who are SUPPOSED to be cleaning up.
Even though they do a crappy job. And I don’t mind vacuuming.
I think you should save your money and take a North American holiday. I’ll supply the vodka.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:22 am
I get so damned mad at my kids for doing the same shit. But then I remember doing the same thing to my parents, and I ease off a bit. I figure- wish, pray, and sing chants while drunk- that my kids will have kids that do the same thing to them, and the cycle will continue.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:45 am
I’m getting a t-shirt made of this:
“Pull that shit again and I will pack it in your lunch bag. With your sandwich inside it. To keep it protected like. Oh and I might have to dip it in the toilet first, just to keep your sandwich moist.”
June 26th, 2008 at 4:30 am
tagged you on my site. You’re welcome.
June 26th, 2008 at 5:42 am
Moms should have union reps. Though, if they are like my hubby’s they ain’t worth a shit anyway. Your house sounds like mine. Know of any deserted islands we can ship the lot off to? Scratch that, I think I’d rather go.
June 26th, 2008 at 6:07 am
I think you’re a bit loud for Europe, frankly.
June 26th, 2008 at 9:11 am
I love the idea of having office hours. Mine are going to be a bit less generous. T and Thurs 5-5:45 sounds good.
June 26th, 2008 at 10:23 am
I like the idea of the t- shirt quote. Might have to do that too.
Here is one for you; My kids go off their heads when people throw rubbish on the ground out in public. All that Don’t rubbish Australia stuff surely has rubbed off, except in THEIR OWN HOME!!!! They think nothing of stuffing wrappers down in crevices of lounge chairs or leaving gross things lying around for me to discover after days away in a sterile hospital room. I blame their father.
June 26th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Sadly, I can relate to what you are saying. The joys of parenting.
June 26th, 2008 at 10:38 am
I don’t think I’ll be marrying you when my husband leaves. I don’t want you angry at me.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:55 am
I love your posts woman! Your house is so much like mine it isn’t even funny. Kick their ass mama!
June 26th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Too bad you’d probably be arrested for making them stand at a busy intersection with a sign that reads, “I am Too Dumb to Put Shit in the Dishwasher” as punishment for failing to do so.
June 26th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
If you manage to get someone to put dishes into the dishwasher, please come and teach my hubby?
I just love finding 2 day old milk sealed in a sippy cup, not rinsed.
June 26th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
See? You could totally meme this one!!!
Love ‘em! Mind if I print off a copy and plaster my house with them???
June 26th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
You can always run away to my house. My teenager keeps all his messiness in his bedroom/cave. And as Super Smash Bros Brawl came out today, he won’t emerge for at least a week. I just slide beef jerky and chewing gum under the door.
You’d just have to contend with the long haired kitteh who has personal hygiene issues (methinks a brazilian will help).
And I always have chocolate in the pantry and vodka in the freezer…
June 26th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Kylie: It’s a deal. I am leaving tomorrow…
Queen Goob: *shudder* horseshit…
lceel: Oh. My. God. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaahaaaaahahahaaaaaaaaaa! Happens here ALL THE TIME!
Burgh Baby: Closet is full of SHOES!!! Rum you say????? Hmmmm.
Ree: and a hot guy of my own to crush the cranberries between his thighs????
Kel: But when will it end? Do we really want kids in a century being lazy fuckers? I can’t handle the stress. And then there is the lazy arsed husband…
Greta: Get me one too in size extra fatarse.
Moo: Biatch.
Mrs Schmitty: Yeah, MPS’s union was less than useless. But at least it is someone for me to whine to. Hang on, I have you guys.
BoxBoy: Moi? I don’t think so buddy.
Deb: Interesting. Won’t work here cause the Damn Emos are often not home at that time… Ahhhhhh, good idea!
Tiff: Bwaaaaa haaaaaahaaaaaa! I cleaned Boo’s room the other day and found half a cake in there. Yes. HALF of a cake.
Daddy Forever: But what is the husbands excuse?
A Whole Lot of Nothing: Awwwwww, I am not that scary. You know that babe. Just don’t piss me off is all.
Nichoal: I prefer something sneakier. Any ideas?
Tranny Head: Not if I dress them as homeless people…
Sandy: Oh *vomit* I found a bottle full of ‘milk’ hidden in Too’s cot after coming home from a 2 week holiday…
Jodie: go for it babe. Don’t forget to tell the kids that others are suffering with the same rules.
Kitty: I keep forgetting you live nearby! Chuck the cat outside and I am there..
June 26th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Hmmmm vodka and chocolate in the pantry.
Nah, sit at the computer and drink vodka til you’re pissed and THEN blog…..
**Snigger snigger**
June 27th, 2008 at 12:23 am
Damn. I am not first.
June 27th, 2008 at 1:47 am
[…] out the noise. And I splurkted coffee over my keyboard when I read Kelley’s post over at Magnetoboldtoo I suggest you read it. I really do. And if you do ever come to Europe, come to England! And I will […]
June 27th, 2008 at 2:50 am
I work one day a year. Oh, and you lost the GUM! Ha!
June 27th, 2008 at 2:52 am
It’s fucking Santa Claus…
June 27th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
You know this is my first time here, and I am so adding you to my reader. I am laughing so hard and my kids are all like “What? what?” That part about signing the school notes is my damn life story. Thanks for the laugh.
Bradie
June 27th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Customer walked into my store this morning wearing a very nice dress and a pair of kick-arse knee length red boots with high heels. My first thought was, Wow, Kelley’s come to visit. Because she headed straight into the chocolate aisle. Then I knew it wasn’t you because she bought a magazine instead of clinkers.
June 27th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Followed the trail of chocolate wrappers and empty vodka bottles from Aussie Bloggers….
You have DARK chocolate Clinkers? Did you have to go to Columbia and kill someone for them?
I worked with a girl who could not each green clinkers. We would split a pack at lunchtime, everyday she’d end up with a half a pack of bitten green clinkers in front of her.
Cheers,
Cindy
June 29th, 2008 at 1:06 am
Ok, I’m not sure how I missed this post, but I now officially love you. Puffy heart love you, in fact.
June 29th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Having a bit of a PMS day are we??? I think that perhaps I found the secret to having lots of readers to a blog….I shall take lessons!
Seriously, they grow up and go away…thank God! And the hubby—remind him of the exploits of Lorena Bobbitt!
June 29th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
In that last paragraph, I read vicodin in place of vodka. I think maybe both are in order, along with the chocolate.
June 29th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
Somehow I feel bad complaining about the disaster that is my apartment, especially since it’s just the two adults and our four-legged children. But you know, if they grew opposable thumbs and contributed to their upkeep, it would certainly help out a great deal.
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