Wow, trippy man…
Today has been a ride. You know when you have a day where you go ‘wow! I am totally blogging that’ well stick that puppy on steroids and chuck a couple of firecrackers up his arse and then shave him down, grease him up and shoot him out a cannon. Into a crowd of celebrity animal liberationists with no sense of humour.
Oooh that was a bit of an oxymoron wasn’t it?
So it started like a normal day. MPS up at 3am listening to some Mac thing livestreaming doover whoseawhatsit with freaking BINGO cards. Sitting there like the freakshow geek that he is marking off every time the Geek God said a particular word. Me tossing and turning in pain after shaking my clenched arse all night at belly dancing.
Let it hang loose Kelley, for fucks sake let your arse flap in the wind.
So here is a list of the bloggable goodness of my day
First up was the madness that is my mornings. People screaming and yelling that some particular thing is not where is it supposed to be. Like they put shit in any particular spot anyway. Areshats. So of course running late and MPS missed his bus. Too just barely caught her train.
Moo was home from school. Final study day before VCE exams (serious shit ppl) supposed to be studying but on MSN apparently quizzing with her friends. Yeah right. Throw a shit load of healthy food her way and run out the door to get Boo to school.
Wearing these:
God I pink puffy heart these boots. They are teh awesome.
As we are running up the path at school. Heh, I mean I am dragging Boo while he wanders slower and slower and freaking slower and my head is exploding cause I am going to be freaking LATE and I have a job application to get in by 9am and it is 8.57.. I notice Boo has something in his mouth.
‘What is that? What have you got in your mouth?’
He spits a great wad of paper on the ground. ‘The evidence’ he whispers.
Throw the little weirdo in his classroom and hightail it outta there. And thank God that I am only minutes away from the office. Run up the stairs.
In these remember:
Oooooh my pretties…
Chuck my bag etc at my desk and go over to put in my application. For a job that I don’t even know if I want. I just need to be seen as trying to ‘develop’ myself. Yeah, whatevz yo. Just show me the money. Thankfully it is with my old boss, you know my coffee bitch, and we chat for a little while and then I go back to my desk on the other side of the building and raise hell tormenting the fuckers be all professional like and do my job. And he goes over to the coffee shop and brings me a double shot skinny latte. Cause he will always be my bitch even when he is considering my potential future.
Papa don’t preach comes on the radio. So I overshare and tell everyone about my little incident the other day. And mucho coffee is spurted and spit choked on. And I smirk into my coffee and enjoy the mayhem.
After discussing children farting, cause that is always a topic close to my heart and my nosehairs, I ponder whether it is possible to fart and speak at the same time. A rather lively discussion ensues and it is declared that it is totally dependent on the length and moistness of said flatulence. We agree to conduct a survey and report our findings.
I hear through the gossip mongers that I have in fact landed the position. Sans interview. Because I am that awesome. I take a few moments to ponder this and then sit down with J and practice my ’surprised’ look. Coffee bitch wanders over and sits down to tell me the news. Behind him J is flashing me a number of different surprised expressions and I surreptitiously flip her the bird. It is agreed I start Monday and Coffee Bitch will have my coffee delivered by 10am.
Sweet.
I attempt to complete some work that I am paid for in the 10 minutes left of my work day and the phone rings. It is Moo. She sounds agitated.
‘I heard a noise’
‘It is probably the bunny, go get her some food’ I distractedly say as I am drafting a letter to a complete and utter fuckwit who keeps sending me the WRONG shit even though I have told him a bajillion times that is not what I wanted. Typical bloody men, they just don’t listen to a womans needs. Even if I can crush him like a bug and make him have to sell his home and first born child with a push of a button…
‘No, I heard a noise and went into the kitchen and all the lights in the kitchen, dining and family room are on. And the back door is unlocked’
Fuck. What? Fuck. What? Visons of that Sally Field movie where she is stuck in traffic on the phone to her daughter while she is being murdered run through my head.
‘Go outside.’ I think I calmly said.
‘OK.’
I shut down the computer, the fuckwit can wait till later, and talk to her while chucking shit in my bag. Turns out she thinks there is a ghost in the house. *snort*
I get home and find her huddled in the cubby house. I go through the house armed with my handbag ready to do some serious damage to any intruder or Casper that might be there. Realise that the likely scenario is Moo didn’t notice all the lights were on - it was rather dark when I left and Boo has a propensity for turning on every freaking light in the house - and she probably only noticed cause a cloud went over the sun or somesuch. Stoopid bint.
Freaking Damn Emo.
Then other shit happened but this thing is long enough and I think I just heard a noise….
and our last house was haunted….
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49 Responses to “Wow, trippy man…”
June 11th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Well I am glad(?) you got the job.
Yes your kids are probably as weird as mine…
and SMOKIN boots..which probably got you the job
June 11th, 2008 at 11:41 am
I want to lick those boots. I know I can’t but I want to because I LIKE THEM THAT MUCH!
June 11th, 2008 at 11:45 am
No, it’s what’s IN the boots that got you your job. Or nearby, anyway.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:51 am
I suppose this is pretty much a “typical day for you, huh? Congrats on the job! Now you can buy huge quantities of chocolate, huh? Yes, the boots are spiffy, indeed!
June 11th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Great boots and congrats on the job and the ghost!
June 11th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Love that your morning was even madder than mine. Your boots are nicer though.
June 11th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Wow, those are awesome kicks. And congratulations! And “animal liberationists with no sense of humor” is not an oxymoron, but rather…redundant. (Kind of like saying “but rather,” she realized belatedly.)
June 11th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Round these parts we would call those CFM boots (come fuck me boots). For OBVIOUS reasons.
June 11th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I’m shaking in my own damn boots over here just reading about this! We’ve had “encounters” in our new home too
Hope Casper plays well and is friendly.
Congratulations! and lurve those boots
June 11th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Full on day.
Poor Moo that would have been scary even if it turned out to be nothing.
We used to live in Reservoir (one of the not so pleasant suburbs of Melbourne) and I got home at 2am one night after babysitting my SILs kids. Walked in the front door, heard footsteps in the kitchen and all the lights were on. I screamed out “I’m at the front door calling the police, you leave out the back door now”. Then I walked out and called my SIL who had dropped me off, she was just down the road and came back and got me.
To this day I don’t know if people had been in the house or if hubby had just forgotten to turn the lights off and lock / close the back door when he left.
June 11th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
LOL @ the comments you have already. I can see why you’re addicted to this shit.
June 11th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Slap that girl of yours upside the head. Ghosts can’t hurt you.
Hmm, the boots are a little girlie, but not bad. Congratulations on the new job.
Oh, and just to frig up your day…
You’ve been tagged for a meme. *sniggers*
June 11th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Wow.
Awesome boots. Three thumbs up.
Congrats on the job that you got cos you’re fantasticx10.
And ummm… *snicker* next time tell her the ghost just wants to see her norks.
June 11th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I think you have low self esteem issues.
Ghosts are rarely talented enough that they can hurt you. Work with them.
June 11th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Crunchy Carpets: Yeah, he probably wants to wear them *snigger*
Kiki: They are awesome right? I had a little old lady tell me they were fabulous once! It was so cool!
lceel: Nah, it was my scintillating personality…
Coast Rat: Not the way my workplace works, it is for the same money but will equal more $$ in the long run as I have ‘upskilled’.
Jeanie: congrats on the ghost? *gaffaw*
bronnie: It was actually yesterday. I didn’t get around to posting it last night.
Belinda: *snort* crazy woman.
Moo: NO!!!!! No no no no NO! CFM’s are white. WHITE! *shudder*
Sandy: Yeah, I know all about your little experience
Marita: that would be terrifying!
Maria: I am a comment crack ho. Hook me up babe.
Anja: Oh bite me. I don’t do meme’s. Not cause I am too good for em, just that I freaking FORGET TO DO THEM!
Naomi: 3 thumbs up made me snort.
Witchypoo: ouch…
June 11th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Congratulations on the new job that comes with its own coffee bitch. Have you got an unlimited chocolate clause in the contract as well?
Don’t think the ghost will give you any aggro - with boots like that you are awesome AND invincible!
….but I still wanna know what evidence Boo was destroying.
June 11th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Congratulations on the job. It was definitely the boots. Very hot boots.
June 11th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Kick ass boots. Make that job your bitch!
Ghosts have to clean house or they aren’t welcome in mine. Set it straight. Don’t put up with any damn emo whining forelorn ghosts. That’s what teenagers are for.
June 11th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Umm..sorry, did you say something? ‘Cuz I was totally distracted by those fabulous boots!
Just kidding - congrats on the new job!
June 11th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Well done on the new job!
Those boots are farking awesome
By the way - what was the evidence Boo was chomping on?
Don’t tell me he found proof Elvis was still breathing and kicking?!
June 11th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Dude! As soon as you said your teenage daughter called and was hearing noises my brain went to that Sally Field movie! Ugh, thinking about it now even makes me shudder. She should have some boots like yours. Those look like boots you can kick some ass in.
June 11th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I need to inject a serious dose of red into my wardrobe. Brown, grey and white just aren’t cutting it anymore. I’d love to start with those red boots. Hell, I’d even take a red purse. It would be a start.
Congrats on the new job!
June 11th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
That Sally Field movie scared the living bah-jeezus out of me … wait! I need to lock my front door!
Ok. Back.
And those boots (yum!) … not only made for walking, but so made for kicking arse and taking names (as well as taking jobs!!!! CONGRATS!)
June 11th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Great boots and congrats on the job, but don’t leave me hanging here, I want to know what evidence Boo was eating!
June 11th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
oh man. he didn’t finish eating the evidence????? i’m screwed.
June 11th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Kitty Polestar: Yeah so do I…
Robin: They are aren’t they? Lets hope I like this job eh?
Deb: *snort* at making that job my bitch and house cleaning Casper.
Latte Mommy: I spend most of the day blowing kisses at them too. I understand your distraction.
Jayne: If it was I would have destroyed it myself. NO-ONE wants to see that deep fried banana sammitch nomming old man now…
Lilacspecs: I swear I can SEE that movie in my head. I only saw it once and man, did it make me remember it!
Walking with Scissors: My only colour comes from my shoes, bag, nails and lipstick. Cause even on a ‘fat day’ they still look fab. Do it too! Purdy shoes can totally make your day.
Maternal Mirth: that movie and When A Stranger Calls… have you checked the children? *shudder*
June 11th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Ooooh a haunted house. It’s going to make for awesome blogging material. You know, as long as the ghost doesn’t possess your computer.
June 11th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Mmmm those boots! And well done for getting the job! You clever thing!
June 11th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Well fuck me. Boots.
(feed is totally screwed for me…)
June 11th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Impressed girl, impressed.
The boots
The job
The nerve
the ghostie!
June 11th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Yep, that sounds like a typical day in my house, except for the boots, oh and the promotion (congrats by the way) and the haunting and the emos…oh and the coffee bitch, yep I think I’ll just live my life vicariously through you, okay?
PS I could just imagine boo looking shiftily around and pronouncing the wad as ‘evidence’.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
I’ve had precious few laughs today (see my blog) but you’ve given me most of them. Just keep doing what you do! And I wish I could wear boots like those.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Jayzuz Kel. WTF?
What sort of post is this?
We are going along predictably enough, as all of us who devotedly follow Magnetoboldness will testify…
1. MPS loves computers.
2. Mornings Suck.
3. You’ve got spectacular shoes.
4. Boo eats unusual things, and moonlights in espionage.
5. Farts are eternally funny.
6. You are brilliant at your work.
7. Year 12 tests the sanity of all.
8. Men have no idea.
And then… after this narrative, charming yet routine, you THROW AWAY AS AN AFTER THOUGHT that your house may be haunted, like the last house.
What? Care to elaborate?
JodieOdie
June 11th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Great news about the Job!
You are a very talented women, I love reading your posts.
Oh and those shoes!!! We all love your shoes..
June 11th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Veronica: Bite your tongue!!
Casdok: Beginning to wonder if perhaps I was the only applicant! *snort*
BoxBoy: firstly bite me. And shite, I don’t know what is going on! Others are having problems with the feed too. Will be posting sometime in the next 24 hours, but it will probably be a chick post so you can skip it K?
Laura: And the farts. Don’t forget teh farts.
Tiff: Yeah, he had a shifty smirky look. Sometimes I wonder if he is doing this shit on purpose..
Tess: hugs babe.
jodieodie: I am such a blog tease. All in good time my lovely, all in good time..
Lisa: I needz me some more. Maybe another shoe whoring post?
June 11th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
You can copy paste the next post into a mail if you like, I ‘may’ read it then…
June 11th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
I think you can fight crime in those boots!
June 11th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Woah.
Dude.
Awesome boots, congrats on the job, and…
wait, what just happened?
June 12th, 2008 at 5:13 am
Yay for getting a new job that you aren’t sure that you want…. Hopefully it means a big fat raise!!!
I laughed so hard I snorted when I read that Boo told you it was “the evidence”….
And finally, our house is now haunted too. Apparently Grams doesn’t want to go to the light. She keeps knocking shite over in the kitchen.
June 12th, 2008 at 5:40 am
LOVE your blog, not sure how I found it but I am so grateful I did. I crack the f**k up every time I read it, today I laughed so hard I spit out my coffee on one of my four cats, she freaked out, hissing and running off to pick on the scaredy cat one, which made me laugh even harder.
Rockin’ great boots, congrats on the new job, keep up the great stories. Your blog should be required reading for depressed people, there’s a thought, maybe you could make some extra dinero as the depressed certainly couldn’t get any lower! Cheers. ;~)
June 12th, 2008 at 6:32 am
The boots ARE awsesome..
I could never WEAR those boots, owe.
“because I am that awesome”.. brilliant quote
ghosts..wait, turn out the lights, give me a flashlight, OK continue!
June 12th, 2008 at 7:24 am
LOVE those boots. I wanna see the shoes you wore to Sex and the City! Did you like the movie?
I lived in a haunted apartment for almost 2 years. For real. SCARY.
June 12th, 2008 at 7:29 am
I only had time to skim over the post…why is Sally Field wearing your boots?
June 12th, 2008 at 7:34 am
Ok, I have to ask… what’s the Sally Field movie? I seem to have missed that one.
June 12th, 2008 at 7:36 am
Those boots are hawt, man. You could kick some serious Casper arse in those. *snort*
And congrats on your promotion?! If you actually want it, that is.
And anyway congrats on getting some poor focker to fetch you coffee.
June 12th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Good God woman, how did you break into my house and steal my hot mama boots?
and my job?
June 12th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
BoxBoy: Meh. Come and check like everyone else. Lazy bastard…. *snort*
Sonia: Really? The crime of injustice that no one in this house picks up after themselves and then expect me to leave my blogging and plurking to feed them?
Maggie: Yeah, I have no idea. My life is so weird.
Kristen: Perhaps you need a bug zapper.
Elaine: Hmmm, MPS didn’t feel that way when he had his breakdown. He found me irritating. But I found him irritating so it cancelled it out. Take a pic next time you spit on your cat. I wanna see it!
mp: They are surprisingly comfortable, you could totally wear them. Will try and mock up the post about the ghosties in the next few days.
Melain: STILL haven’t seen it. My girl friends cannot organise themselves. Stoopid bints.
VE: She better not be. She will tarnish them with old.
Latte Mommy: I don’t know what it is called, I saw it once as a midday movie and it scared the living shit outta me. OK, googled it, it is called Eye for an Eye http://www.answers.com/topic/eye-for-an-eye-1996-film?cat=entertainment
Tranny head: It is teh awesome to have a coffee bitch. Every girl needs one.
Insane Mama: and you are insane woman if you think those lovelies are yours. They are MINE MINE MINE!
June 12th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Do love those boots!
On you!
Not me - don’t wear much with a heel these days.
Congrats on the job too btw,
I guess you’ll have to do it before you know if you want it or not.
Here’s to random posts!!
G
xx
June 13th, 2008 at 12:38 am
Thanks for finding that for me! I had gone to imdb.com but had no luck, and the curiosity was killing me. Looks like a good movie.
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