Hyped up on caffeine and shaking my arse. In yoga pants.
The day started badly.
MPS missed his bus, meaning I had to chase the bastard half way to the next town, putting me far behind schedule. The bastard being the bus. MPS was an arsehat. There is a difference.
The stupid rat fuck son of a bitch useless coffee machine decided to get all temperamental on my arse and not work.
There was no muesli.
Girls were bitching.
Boo had been up all night.
I was fucking pissed.
Finally got to work after swinging past a coffee shop to satiate the stinking headache that was brewing in my head. Been up for 3 hours and no coffee.
And it was only 9am.
Got to work, dealing with fuckwits. Went to check my blog and found it blocked.
Deemed inappropriate and adult. Even though I spend a good amount of time googling swear words in other languages. For work. For real. It is rather awesome. Sometimes my job rocks.
Get a message from Moo ‘Be a dear and book me a haircut’
WTF? Reply with ‘Not likely, biatch’ and follow it with ‘Oh and The Game? You be losing..’
Cackle at my hilariousness.
Finish work, buy more coffee, pick up Boo, grocery shopping, housework, clean up 2 litres of lemonade sprayed all over the kitchen, field a thousand phone calls and go pick up MPS from the bus stop.
Same ol’ same ol’. ‘Cept sometimes it is a whole container of rice milk…
As I am driving up the driveway for the eleventy billionth time - Hello neighbours! What is the tally today? - I see my Daddy walking up the path. With a big box.
A box with a NEW COFFEE MACHINE IN IT!!
I squeal and jump out of the car. And then get back in again, because Boo has deemed himself official get people out of the car man - or concierge seeing he is French and all - and is screaming at me for not letting him open the door. So as soon as the tiny terrorist releases me I run to my Daddy squealing.
He got some money from Grandma’s estate. So today he bought a toilet and a coffee machine. Seeing I already have two toilets, I got the coffee machine…
And here she is:
Ooooh isn’t she purdy? She blinks her blue eyes at me and I am all ‘work it baby’ and ‘make Mumma some coffee’ and ‘oooh I lurve you’, blowing kisses and if I could hump it I would.
I am that happy.
So after a leisurely latte with my Daddy I get ready to go Belly Dancing!
Tonight was my first lesson I can’t believe how uncoordinated freaking awesome I am. Shaking my arse wobbling my fat bits and looking all uncoordinated elegant and sexy. I was the most uncoordinated best in the class. Uncoordinated shaking my hips to the music in my head jiggling and thrusting so much that my pants started to fall down and my breasticles almost popped out of my bra along with the instructor.
She was all ‘you are doing so well Kelley!’ and I am all ‘I know, right! I could totally start teaching this class as soon as I find a good sports bra and a pair of braces to hold up my pants’ and she is all ‘you are doing so well *insert name of the loser standing next to me that was clearly no where as awesome as me*’
And I was all, yeah she needs to encourage the plebs cause she can’t show favourites.
I am going shopping for my belly dancing outfit ASAP. Well as soon as I know what that shit is called and where I can buy it. And I can stop my arse cheeks from wobbling. I mean it has been 2 hours already…
Someone pass the Nurofen.
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46 Responses to “Hyped up on caffeine and shaking my arse. In yoga pants.”
May 26th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Do we get a video of you shaking your lovelies - oops, I mean belly dancing?
I too would hump the coffee machine. Even though I’d probably get scalded in the process.
May 26th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Awfully cool looking coffee machine! Can it make apple pie, too? That would be totally cool if it could.
May 26th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
That’s what is cool about belly dancing though……. your wobbly bits are meant to wobble
Sounds awesome. When are you and the coffee machine eloping?
May 26th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
I can’t believe that you were willing to leave that beautiful object d’art at home while you went out and shook your thang! Did it miss you? Did you miss it? Did you have to buy it a special gift for leaving it all alone? Did it sulk in the corner upon your return, or did it offer up a hot caramel latte just to prove to itself that you still needed it? Who can spell co-dependency? Hmmmm. I’ve had too much coffee.
May 27th, 2008 at 12:06 am
Awww, that’s so sweet of your dad. As for the belly dancing - shake it baby! I can just imagine you doing the dance of the 7 veils - except no ninja stuff ‘k? It just wouldn’t work….
May 27th, 2008 at 12:49 am
Your daddy rocks! That’s one heck of a coffee machine!
Belly dancing, huh? What fun!!
May 27th, 2008 at 12:51 am
oooh congrats on the coffee maker! Glad ya had fun at the belly dancing
May 27th, 2008 at 1:24 am
You made your daddy walk all the way from town with a coffee machine… and unless he’s fucking psychic, you must have moaned at him during the day for one.
Very unbecoming.
May 27th, 2008 at 2:32 am
Nice Daddy.
Can’t wait for the pictures of you in belly dancing gear. You know you wanna.
May 27th, 2008 at 7:38 am
OOOOOooo, very nice Daddy.
**pats Kelley’s Daddy on the head**
Say Bonjour to your widdle Boo for me.
Celtic Dingo is currently “Jaguar Paw”
May 27th, 2008 at 8:27 am
Belly dancing is not easy so kudos to you for being so brave! You rock (so does this blog!)…
May 27th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Yay Daddy- great choice on the coffee machine and for making our lovely friend here even more hyped haha
Glad you had fun at belly dancing hun!
May 27th, 2008 at 8:55 am
And THIS is why Daddies are the best.
When my old beloved caffeine manufacturer died from overuse, my daddy bought me my Gaggia. *goes down on knees in love and lust for her Gaggia*
Kelley’s daddy is an awesome daddy.
It’s the price we pay for having a mummy who should have a hydrochloric acid douche.
May 27th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Oooh. Jiggly fat bits = good. Also…you need to move to America. It’s Memorial Day. Nobody works.
May 27th, 2008 at 9:53 am
You’re supposed to have wobbly fat bits for belly dancing.
Coz those scrawny cat walk models would break a cheekbone if they tried to shake their booty!
Your Daddy rocks
May 27th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Sydney Rd, Brunswick for the real deal in belly dancing gear, but I’m hoping you don’t have to go so far to find some. And I love you coffee maker. Very handsome, which is the main thing.
May 27th, 2008 at 11:41 am
‘Your’ coffee maker, OK? I’m not calling you handsome.
May 27th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Ohhhhh, that is one well-timed pressie. Good job, Daddy.
May 27th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Belly dancing is totally about wobbling your wobbly bits!
*sigh* I wish I had a cool dad.
May 27th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Ha ha ha! You’re a crackup - ‘Ugly arsed tiles’ I love it!
And the rest, specially the wobbly bits references!
G
xx
May 27th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Shiny!!Does it grind the coffee beans for you? (And the tiles aren’t that bad either.)
Belly dancing sounds like so much fun. I always wanted to try it. I’ve certainly got enough wobbly bits.
May 27th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
All I got from my Daddy was a stupid blue t-shirt saying,
“Always late but worth the wait”
…and a meat thermometer.
Seriously.
Your Dad rocks.
May 27th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Hooray for coffee!!
May 27th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
Ooh, shiny! Pretty! When would you like us to be there for lattes? ;^)
May 28th, 2008 at 12:31 am
Now I know where that aftershock in China came from.
May 28th, 2008 at 1:01 am
wow, I am jealous. Well, I’m jealous of the coffee machine and belly dancing, not of the rest of it. *shiver*
May 28th, 2008 at 1:25 am
I may hump it because *I* can…
May 28th, 2008 at 1:28 am
Coffee machine is AWESOME..
Belly Dancing.. Very cool. “they” say that belly dancing and pole dancing are both great ways to get in shape. I’m afraid I would injure myself trying either one.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:31 am
I read this too quickly. I thought you got a toilet coffee machine…
May 28th, 2008 at 4:36 am
Just belly dance for the coffee machine.
No need to hump anything.
You and you alone are all the sexiness and total hotness that any inatimate object could need or ever want.
May 28th, 2008 at 5:42 am
Very sexy coffee machine. I’ll bet it even makes you look thinner.
May 28th, 2008 at 5:52 am
That coffee machine looks awesome!! What a cool gift
As for the belly dancing, I’ve tried it once and it rocked!! Hope you carry on with it.
May 28th, 2008 at 6:30 am
I never thought I would get so excited over an appliance…but DAYUM! That thing is bea-u-ti-ful
When can we expect your first belly dancing DVD to be released?
May 28th, 2008 at 8:00 am
Belly dancing outfit
=
1 pair of panties
1 bra (sequins optional)
1 belt - put it around your waist
lots of scarves - hang them off of belt* all the way around
Viola!
*As soon as my hair grows back, I’ll send you a pretty pink chiffon scarf that, placed in the right spot, will ensure that it doesn’t matter how you dance. Snort.
May 28th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Squee! Love the coffee machine.
I was searching Amazon.com for rubber ducks for Heidi and found Ninja Ducks - http://www.amazon.com/Dozen-Ninja-RUBBER-Birthday-Favors/dp/B000VQBQ1K/ref=sr_1_93?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1211929709&sr=1-93
Just had to show them to you.
May 28th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Niiiiice coffee machine. I still want those shoes back a bit though.
Belly dancing….?? I do that all the time just walking to the letterbox and back. No wait, that’s just the wobbly bits catching up to the rest of me. Damn!
Just cos you’re cooler than me on that front….
You lose!!!
Bwaaahaaaahaaaaaa
May 28th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Coffee machine to die for - lucky only your Grandma had to die and not you - so you can enjoy its awesomeness and caffeinating power!
Belly Dancing - O.M.G. You are seriously in danger of losing your mind, heart and soul. Once that music gets into you, you’re hooked. Seriously. So graceful, so feisty, so feminine, so sexy! Only awesome women need apply - and you just did!
I started belly dancing when my youngest was 5. It was my drug for years afterwards. I can no longer dance as I got a bad back injury and my neurosurgeon would absolutely have a plastic kitten (cos if he had a glass one it would shatter on the way out) if I danced again after he had. I miss it. Bad. I used to teach and all. Sigh.
Did you know that you need a bit of jiggliness to look right for this stuff? Of course you did! It is not called your gut, or belly or fat. It is called your sexual radiance! SO named because , seriously, have you ever seen an anorexic woman with any sexual radiance? NO - because she has no fat covering her ovaries to protect her oestrogen stores. Hence the sexual radiance!
You should start with a leotard/bodysuit and add a lowslung skirt (I mean sitting under our radiant area) and a long scarf (2.5m) at the hips. And another long veil ~2m long tucked into that that drapes around and frames your butt, that you can remove in a sexy undressing fashion and use for veil work. Jingly coins are nice.
Anyway - we are of a size - send me an email with address and I will send you something. Cos we awesome girls have to stick together.
Do you sew? You’re gonna want to brush up on that. And sequinning. Sigh. I miss it.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:35 am
I demand imagery of you belly dancing.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:00 am
ooooh, can i make out with your coffee maker? it looks HOT!!!!
and i *snicker* took belly dancing a looong time ago. it’s all in the feet.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:54 am
What a sensationally hilarious visual! Do you suppose you could convince someone to include a corset in the belly dancing costume? You know, just to throw a bone to the loser next to you.
May 28th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I have some exquisite designer bellydance costumes for sale, some brand new, most super expensive.
Friend left them for me to sell for her when she took off to Turkey to take them on at their own game. (ie bellydancing) I have had no takers - no market for this sort of price range in Aus.
I would post them off to her if it were not going to cost me over $300 surface mail. Not sure if the jewel encrusted bra tops would support breasticles or drag them down to the ground because of the weight of them. (weight of the bra tops that is)
May 28th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
I don’t drink coffee, but if I did, I would covet your new machine.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Oh my god, I need one. I am so jealous!
May 28th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Coffee machine - it ranks up there with the water filter and oven in my house.
Belly dancing - have you got a jangly skirt? Must have one of those.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:36 am
Still working on that email for ya, lovey.
Except now it has sad news in it.
So how’s about you sending me that spanky new coffee machine to brighten my day?
No?
Well, can’t blame a gal for trying can ya?
May 29th, 2008 at 9:17 am
mmmmmmmm pretty
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