Testing my wifeliness. Yes, it is so a word.
So it is Sunday, I spent the morning cleaning out Boo’s wardrobe.
Hugging and squeezing cute little shirts and the breaking of my heart on itty bitty denim jackets with trucks on the back and adorable little truck shaped buttons. Why do they have to grow so freaking quickly! Bag of rubbish and a bag for the Charity bin. Better not get them mixed up eh?
Oh and I have made beds, cleaned toilets, washing washing washing, completely rearranged the laundry and scrubbed shit off the walls.
MPS has made coffee and breakfast and watched every fucking episode of Red Dwarf.
So when I came across this little quiz from the 1930’s I thought, ’shit, I can ace this crap. I am a wife guys fucking dream of. Well perhaps without the potty mouth and the sarcastic put downs. But freaking awesome nonetheless’
Here is George W. Crane’s take on the test. I can’t help thinking he is a cross between Niles and Dubbya.
So a score in the negative is good right? To save utter boredom and this post becoming as long as the last one, I will just answer the first page. Click on the image to see it better.
Lets start with the positives.
merits:
A good hostess, even to unexpected guests.
Um, no. People know if they turn up unannounced I will punch them in the pancreas. Unless they have wine. Then I will take the wine, thank them and then punch them in the pancreas.
-1
Has meals on time.
Well, technically yes. I have meals when I am hungry. Don’t know about him, but I am satisfied with that. If he is hungry? MPS you are a big boy, make a sandwich. And while you are at it make me one too.
-1
Can carry on an interesting conversation.
They are interesting to me. I am not interested in his computer geek stories. Unless he mentions Guy Kawasaki. And then I can remind him that Guy is following me on Twitter (like with a zillion other people but he doesn’t need to know that) and watch him go all girly and squealy and think that I am awesome. When clearly I am. Guy thinks so.
+1
Can play a musical instrument.
I can fart the alphabet. Well just f. That counts doesn’t it?
-1
Dresses for breakfast.
Most days I remember to put a bra on before downing my latte. But I do before making lunches, lest my nipples drag in the butter.
-1
Neat housekeeper - tidy and clean.
Now this is where we need to pull out the ol’ ‘it’s the thought that counts’
-1
Personally puts children to bed.
I prefer personally puts children to sleep. I could do that. As apposed to personality puts children to sleep, cause that would be my mother.
-1
Never goes to bed angry, makes up first.
I don’t go to be angry. I go to bed smug. Cause I know I am always right.
+5
Asks husbands opinions regarding important decisions and purchases.
Yeah, I am all ‘This is the way it is going down…’. I believe in informing MPS before emptying his wallet of cash. Just in case he was planning on using it on something pretty for me.
-1
Good sense of humour, jolly and gay.
I have retired the Tinky Winky play suit. It was just getting too weird.
-1
Lets her husband sleep late on Sunday and holidays.
Well, I don’t actually have a choice. No matter how many times I send Boo in there with a bat and bull horn, the bastard will not wake up.
-1
De- merits:
Slow in coming to bed, waits till husband is asleep.
I totally read the ‘to’ as ‘in’ and laughed and laughed.
+1 (cause I have a dirty mind in the bedroom, obviously)
Doesn’t like children.
I like children. I don’t like 46 year old children, who wore a fucking suit and acted all adult at this little thing called a ‘wedding’ and then sulks like a child and leaves his dirty socks everywhere.
+5
Fails to sew on buttons or darn socks regularly.
I darn socks every day. I am all ‘Where are those darn socks?!’
+1
Wears soiled or ragged dresses and aprons around the house.
WTF? I am supposed to own an apron? I thought they were only for guys around the BBQ…
and they laugh and laugh while the women wonder what they are doing with such a tosser.
-1
Wears red nail polish.
What only their hookers are allowed to wear it? What is good for miss Candy Cane is good enough for me.
-1
Often late to appointments.
That would be my husband. I hate being late for anything. If something starts at 7pm, everyone tells MPS that it starts at 6pm. Cause he is Always Late!
+5
Seams in hose often crooked.
Garden hoses have seams?
-1
Goes to bed with curlers on her hair or much face cream.
Um, was he drunk when he wrote this? Cause I know I am.
-1
Puts her cold feet on her husband at night to warm them.
What he doesn’t like it when I stick my cold feet under his scrotum in the middle of the night? Really? I guess I am reading the whole jumping and gasping body language thing wrong.
-1
Is a back seat driver.
I drive. Everywhere. MPS sits in the back. Boo rides shotgun. Seriously.
-1
Flirts with other men at parties and restaurants.
So when you say other men you mean MPS is actually there so the men can be other, right? And the hot Indian waiter doesn’t count, cause he is like, HOT and the waiter. And you have to be nice to the waiter and flash your boobies to get the awesome service right? Oh and I see that doesn’t count the internet. Phew.
-5
Is suspicious and jealous.
Only when I am pregnant. Or hormonal. And in need of chocolate. So hardly ever really. Shut up BoxBoy and 4ftHawaiian.
-5
So I have tallied the results and, as I expected, I am the awesomest wife on the planet. With a grand total score of 100,014.
With 76 and up being ‘Very Superior’ I have now crowned myself ‘Uber freaking awesome, bow to my fabulousness and buy me shoes’
Imagine the score I would have got if I answered all of the questions! Like such gems as:
Fails to wash top of milk bottle before opening it.
Sympathetic - likes children and unfortunates like XBox4NappyRash.
Gives husband shampoo or pedicure
Squeezes toothpaste at the top.
or my personal favourite, reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress. Extra 10 points for that one, my friends.
Now I must go and inform MPS of his status of ‘luckiest bastard on the planet’ and guilt him into doing the dishes.
Go here if you wanna take the test for yourself.
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40 Responses to “Testing my wifeliness. Yes, it is so a word.”
May 18th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
My dh should be considering himself lucky. I’ve baked - twice - so there’s stuff for lunches and I’ve made tomorrow night’s dinner because of late dr’s appointment. But has he shown any appreciation yet? Nup!
May 18th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
The husband test is like 4 pages and recommended for all intelligent men…………. I thought such a creature was a myth! lmao
Our husbands should just be grateful that we let them live ……….. and occasionally clean our shoes with their tongues.
May 18th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Mines lucky. We had dinner tonight. Real cooked food. That’s about as good as it gets around here. Actually, it’s better when someone else cooks it.
Actually, he’s just lucky because he fas me at all. Fin.
May 18th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Ahahaha. That is awesome. I am so impressed by your wifeliness. Was there a qn about wearing appropriate footwear (ie NOT crocs) or sharing the chocolate?
May 18th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
hysterical …Kelley you are so … words fail me to do you justice !
I have to let my husband read this !
He needs to hear how good he has it.
May 18th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
So funny. I love this.
I plan to steal the line about punching people in the pancrease. I always say spleen but pancrease is WAY better. I will credit you of course because I value my own pancrease. (I think)
May 19th, 2008 at 12:19 am
“Um, no. People know if they turn up unannounced I will punch them in the pancreas. Unless they have wine. Then I will take the wine, thank them and then punch them in the pancreas.”
There.
Right there.
That’s why I love you so much.
May 19th, 2008 at 1:09 am
oops pancreas
May 19th, 2008 at 1:18 am
Your wit is amazing! This is hilarious!
May 19th, 2008 at 3:04 am
OMG! Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed this today. Off to show the hubs and then I think I might try that pancreas move on him when he starts blustering…
You. Are. A. Goddess.
j
ps - I am SO with you on the clothes thing. As we are packing and moving (and *killing* ourselves because we are too cheap to hire movers), I keep gettin’ all nostalgic and teary eyed as I’m filling bags to give away. I tried the brick-on-the-head thing… didn’t work, they keep growing anyway. Bricks are better used thrown at stupid people!
May 19th, 2008 at 3:25 am
Wow, you’re a fucking dream you, eh?! Shit, I even wanna marry you (without the lesbianismness though - I likes me some man)
PS, Lesbianismness IS a word.
All my love, your dearest Fuckchops!
May 19th, 2008 at 3:37 am
I’m reacting with pleasure and delight at this blogging congress. That means we are married now, right?
May 19th, 2008 at 3:57 am
Oh my gosh, that was hilarious. Good thing we don’t sleep together because I go to be smugly right quite often, too, just hadn’t thought about that being the perfect word for it. Now I know.
May 19th, 2008 at 4:07 am
I was SO going go to hit you with how I fell asleep twice reading this but then I saw I got a link out of it so I won’t.
I bought ET a good wife guide, reprinted from the 1930’s in February, best investment EVER.
May 19th, 2008 at 4:07 am
There is a wifelyness test? I’m so failing that! Do you reckon like in the old days, before the internets and stuff… women actually wanted to get full marks on that?
May 19th, 2008 at 4:09 am
how do you know where the pancreas is for the punching???
May 19th, 2008 at 6:05 am
I’d wear those aprons. To a neighborhood BBQ.
May 19th, 2008 at 6:50 am
Right, now I’ll have the image of butter-coated nipples in my head for the rest of the day!
May 19th, 2008 at 6:58 am
Me too Karen, me too….
May 19th, 2008 at 9:19 am
squeezing the toothpaste in the middle was ALMOST a deal-breaker for me. fortunately, wonderhubby saved his pancreas by learning to squeeze the toothpaste tube properly.
May 19th, 2008 at 9:48 am
“Dresses for breakfast.”
See - no qualification on what to wear. How CAN we attain true wifeliness qualities if we don’t get the full guidelines.
I think you are obviously an awesome wife and we should all learn from you - for a start, where exactly is the pancreas in case I need to aim.
May 19th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
The Spouse was oddly comforted to know he isn’t the only male who’s wife sticks her ice-cold feet in his nether regions
May 19th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Geez, now I know why I’m divorced!
May 19th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Tess: Dr Kelley prescribes cold feet in the testicles at 3am and if that doesn’t work, punch in the pancreas.
Bettina: That reminds me, my hooker boots are getting rather dusty.
Suze: Yup. All men need to bow to our awesomeness. Except gay guys, cause they are already as awesome as us.
Missy: Somehow I think all these women were barefoot. And pregnant.
Trish: That ain’t the half of it. Send him here and he will bow to you.
Kiki: Pancreas punching is a sport. Difficult to find and most idiots don’t know they have one. Until it is bleeding.
Mr Fabulous: good thing cause I would totally punch you in the pancreas if you didn’t.
Coast Rat: My husband tends to disagree.
Jodie: Let me know if you use the pancreas move. I want pics.
MrsFancyPants: I think we would makes us a nice little family, you me and Ree.
Deb on the Rocks: Oooh you too? We can make our own little ‘Big Love’ but with gals and blogging. And wine.
Maggie: Smug is a wonderful word innit?
BoxBoy: I would punch you in the pancreas, my friend, but I would have to take off my shoes and stoop down too far. And it is all like, too much effort dude. I would be like ‘whoa!’ and you would be like ‘whoa’ and I would be all ‘whoa’. Ya feel me?
Kath: You should read the whole thing. It is rather eye opening. No wonder our great grandmothers were the valium generation.
Manager Mom: I suggest you find yourself a copy of Grays Anatomy. Not the TV show with McDreamy.
Maria: Why am I not surprised. You would look hawt.
Karen: Well I hope it is not MY nipples you are thinking of. Cause then you would have to marry me like the other chicks.
BoxBoy: What, your own?
The planet of Janet: And did you pat him on the head like a good little boy and throw him a liver treat?
Jeanie: Good point. I am eating or drinking something in the general vicinity of the kitchen and I am not naked. Therefore dressed for breakfast.
Jayne: Perhaps they could start a support group. They can call it ‘Pussies who can’t suck it up’
Kel: *snort*
May 19th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Uber goddess, I bow to your awesomeness.
Unexpected visitors to my house get shown where the toilet is, then the kitchen rules are explained. If you want a coffee, make it yourself because a) I’m not a waitress; b) this is not a hotel with wait service; c) if you make your own you get it exactly the way you like it. Mugs are in the cupboard, spoons in the drawer, milk in the fridge, biscuits in the container on top of the fridge. Cappucino fudge is hidden. If you manage to find it I guess you’re entitled to a piece…..
May 19th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
hehehehehe Dresses for breakfast just has me giggling away here.. I usually have toast for breakfast..
May 19th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
girl, you are the awesomest.
I don’t go to be angry. I go to bed smug. Cause I know I am always right.
a-f*cking-men!
May 19th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Ok. This is the best blog post I’ve read all morning (and I have, sadly, read A LOT…at work). That said, these days, I think the millenium men’s test would probably start and end with the letters B and J.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:27 am
Hilarious as usual! But you cannot fool me. There is NO WAY you just said darn when looking for socks. I’m sure there would have been an ‘f’ adjective in there…
May 20th, 2008 at 8:16 am
I’m totally going to fail.
May 20th, 2008 at 8:18 am
Ah Mistress B, this comment made me smile
Our husbands should just be grateful that we let them live ……….. and occasionally clean our shoes with their tongues.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:25 am
ALL of this…you and I? Are so much alike, it’s scary!
May 20th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Hey Greta
You enigma you.
Eh? B and J?
I found your post quite mystifying.
Especially since I couldn’t think of any words that end in J. Google gives us only “HADJ HAJ HAJJ RAJ SVARAJ SWARAJ TAJ. One big Kelley Darn - I can’t think how these words would improve one’s husbanding.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
River: mmmm cappuccino fudge… and all my guests get is pancreas punching. The unannounced ones that is.
Frogpondsrock: Boo often has tshirt. With a side of coffee table.
Slouching Mom: I am. And so are you.
Greta: Wanna let me know what those words are? Cause my poor little brain is whirring and coming up with nothing but ‘mmmm donuts would be nice’
VE: moi? Little innocent me? Fuck me dead, do you think I swear all the fucking time? I am not Ramsay you know.
Magpie: It is all a matter of not knowing how to add. Then you win.
Anja: It was a *gaffaw* worthy comment wasn’t it!
Sandy: *snort* somehow I think you might be a little more restrained than me…
Jodieodie: *snigger* I didn’t go as far as googling but I did boggle for a little while but got distracted by something shiny. And thoughts of donuts.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
smart and funny! Girl, you are my iwannabelikeyou girl
May 20th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
OM Freakin GOD !!!!!
I didn’t get past your man pet watching Red Dwarf….
**Whispers** So does mine, you are married to a geek… for the love of all shoes that are kick ass… you are married to a geek….
May 20th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
donuts eh?
Have you considered pancakes, like our angry floral friend…
http://angryflower.com/timelo.gif
May 21st, 2008 at 1:00 pm
ROTFLMAO!!!! Ok, so I typed that wrong. I meant the “initials” B and J.
Greta
The Illiterate Whore
May 21st, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Tiff: Seriously? Can you imagine what it is like to be inside my head? I can. And it ain’t purdy.
Widdle Shamrock: Ya think? Considering he works in IT now and is ‘coding’ late into the night FOR FUN! And he has ALL of the Star Trek shit and remember that Quantum Leap show? Nuff said.
Jodieodie: That is totally random. Like me. I love it!
Greta: Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaa! I love you cause you came back to admit it!
May 23rd, 2008 at 7:35 am
This has to be one of the funniest fucking posts I have read in a long time. Viva la sarcasm!!
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