…and then my brain imploded.
Sunday night. Boo has just been serenading me with rockin’ riffs on his, badly tuned but who can even notice, guitar. Totally naked, save the blanket he totes around pooling at his feet.
‘Rock on baby, rock on!’ I shout and then smother him in kisses.
‘Aww, mum! Yuk!’ he squeals.
Bedtime routine.
MPS offers to sit with Boo so I can watch Grey’s in peace.
He calls me. We are almost out of nappies (diapers).
Shit. I open my laptop to email myself at work to call the nappy delivery service.
Jotting down the name of the brand.
And then it hits me.
These are fucking ADULT nappies.
Nappies for adults. Not kids. Not your run of the mill Johnny-is-having-accidents night time protection.
These are fucking ADULT nappies.
And the grief starts again. The tears. The anger. The why MY beautiful boy.
The how the fuck am I going to cope with this when he is 6ft 6 and I am 70.
Wearing those fucking adult nappies myself.
When does it stop? When does total acceptance start?
Why do I have to go through this over and over and fucking over again. Every milestone. Or stupid insignificant things like homework and organised sport.
When he spends hours playing in the Sesame Street toys at Target I don’t feel it. When he recites over and over quotes from Mel Brooks (how cool is that?!) I just laugh. Cause he is so awesomely weird.
When he will only eat with his fingers and pale coloured foods, it is normal to me. Don’t give it a second thought. Well it pisses me off, but I don’t see it as a ‘disability’, just well, him.
But stupid fucking things like adult nappies omg omg omg will I be budgeting for these bastards my whole life??? and I lose my fucking shit.
I have done something that has been long coming. Will I regret it after this omg omg not again! How many times do I have to go through this grief process? episode? Perhaps. But fuck ‘em hey?
I have just emailed my resignation for 2 Autism advocacy bodies and put a call out for a new convenor/president for the support group.
I am spent. I can’t deal with other peoples shit anymore adult fucking nappies!! I need to deal with my own.
*************************
I wrote this Sunday night. I often just do a brain dump like this and then leave it in draft, just so I can get it out. Oh the anger and spite and wallowing that is in my draft folder…
But today I thought I would share. I consider every single one of you my friends. Even you, reading in your RSS feeder and lurking. Share that freaking chocolate with me woman! Some days my head implodes with the enormity that is caring for my Boo. My beautiful, wonderful, exasperating Boo. He is my light and my shade. My reason for getting up in the middle of the fucking night cause he is playing the tamborine while smearing the walls with peanut butter morning. He brings me so much joy. My boy who was never going to have ‘functional speech’. My boy that is a ‘burden’. My boy whose smile makes my heart skip a beat, or whose frustration and tears make it sink to my toes.
My little Rainman. Yes. Just like Rainman. But so much more awesomer.
Yes, that is so a word.
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52 Responses to “…and then my brain imploded.”
April 29th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Oh dear, you know how to bring tears to a girl’s eyes don’t you?????
Sending you bunches and bunches of hugs, chocolate, coffee and fuck-the-world, drop-dead-gorgeous heels.
I don’t know how you feel about resigning from the from the Advocacy bodies and the support group, but from the outside looking in it is a good thing. Spend some time on you, Boo and your family. None of us can keep giving all the time. We need to take occasionally so that we can keep going. Now its your turn to take for a while.
And make sure that you get your damn phone number removed from everywhere
April 29th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
God, I am honored that you shared so much of yourself with us. So much of your feelings with us. You are such a strong person and you deserve so much more than you know. I don’t know how you hold it all together except that it has to be rooted in your absolute love for and devotion to Boo.
I can only hope that I am half as devoted to my children…you’re incredible!
If I can ever get in to work on time, I’ll totally buy you a latte…a giant one, laced with chocolate!
I lurve you
April 29th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Kelley, sweetie, I’m crying too. So pleased you are resigning from the groups. You have so much on your plate and need to devote yourself to some inner fuel. You are awesome in coping the way you have, but now you need to make some time for you.
April 29th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
My first thought was ‘finally’.
You’re an awesome chick with amazing spirit, and while we’d like the world to feel your awesomeness (also a word), it’s ok to be selfish.
I can’t speak specifically about your situation (so not been there) but for me the grief never goes away. One of my girls will look at me in certain way, or say something just like my Mum, and I burst into tears and rail to the world (or pillow) that I want my Mummy and it’s not fair she’s not here to see it. 14 years on.
Stay true to yourself babe. No one expects anymore of you.
Now, where are those tissues?
April 29th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I totally get this. Not necessarily as it concerns the nappies, but I get it. You think you have it down, you’re cool, he’s cool, you’re madly in love with the weirdness and the awesomosity (also a word) of your child, and then something hits you. And you’re thrown for a loop. Our children are such a tremendous responsibility, and when you add autism on top of it, and the fears that an unknown future brings, it can be overwhelming.
But. From what I read of you, you are doing a phenomenal job. You are loving your boy. He is happy. You are doing everything you can for him. Hang in there, girl. You are doing great!
April 29th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Oh K - what a momma that boy has. You are awesome.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
I bet his room is clean though.
Seriously, I agree with what Stimey said. There are days when it all makes sense. And then there are days where I just want to crawl in a hole, live as a hermit, and not deal with the rest of the world.
Spring is bad for me and my eldest. Bad enough that my husband asked me today while we were discussing Bubba’s explosiveness, my anxiety, various medications, and the way me and Bubba feed off of eachother: “Who do we we fix first? You or Bubba?”
Hell if I know. Some days we are a perfect example of how dysfunctional families are so awesome and better in every way. And other days I feel like wearing a t-shirt that says “Yes I know our family is fucked up. Leave me alone of I’ll fuck you up too.”
Sorry…I forgot where I was going… hugs and much love, shoe caressing, and coffee/chocolate scarfing.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Hmmm
I can’t add any more than what those before me have said..
but
I wanted to poke my head in from my RSS feed and say “Sometimes Life sucks, I’m passing the chocolate your way …”
April 29th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
One time I was looking after Jaylen and I realised, as we were walking down the street, that he was 5 (or 6, can’t remember when it was) and still making baby noises. Very loudly. All of a sudden it was obvious to the general public that he Wasn’t Normal. I had a brief internal meltdown. You suddenly see yourself the way you saw those poor, patient, courageous parents when you weren’t one of them.
The rest of the time I have nothing but admiration for his commitment to his campaign for a world in which anything goes, normal is overrated and joy is awesomest. Joy is his thing. He spreads it. How cool is that?
Glad you posted it, Kelley. Love to see you brain dump.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Gemisht: Good point about the phone numbers! I didn’t think about that. My phone has been running hot since I emailed my resignation. I am ignoring it.
Alison: back attcha, no sugar in that latte remember!
Wendy: You have known me for a while. I have been threatening to quit my advocacy work for YEARS. This is my first step. Three down…
Kin: LOL at the finally. Yeah, I know. I should have done it years ago. 7 years is long enough methinks! And hugs my lovely <3
Stimey: thanks babe. We all need a little meltdown now and again right?
Magpie: I wouldn’t have thought awesome after that whiny selfish post!
Ange: His room is disgusting. I don’t know how he manages it. Today I am home sick from work and went in there, opened the window and left. Shit, pee and peanut butter all over the place. And pieces of fruit in various degrees of consumption. Oh and I want one of those tshirts too babe! Smootches.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
sorrow:
I was thinking of you (and others) when I wrote that. I know how much you dislike the font on this new blog! It is on my list of to do’s I promise!
Hilary: So true. Boo exudes joy. Well most of the time *snort*.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I wants me one of those shirts ange!
Good for you releasing other people’s shit so that you can deal with your own. You’ll enjoy your own so much more when you aren’t being dumped on by others.
sending much choccy and coffee and chilli your way
Mwah!
April 29th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
You know I think you are the cat’s ass, even when you lose your shit, you totally can and I still think you’re awesome and love you.
My brother is awesomer than Rainman too. It took him 15 years to stop wearing sweatpants, but he still grunts when he speaks, rocks back and forth and cracks his knuckles when he’s thinking of what to say. And all those things make me love him a little more than other people.
April 29th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Hugging you SO hard, right now. I haven’t got much of anything right now but I’ve got plenty of hugs.
April 29th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Oh well fuck. It’s just not fair that our kids go through this shit. And we’re so helpless with it all. My kiddo isn’t dealing with autism, but enough other crap. I’m so sorry. There’s just no good answer. Crap.
April 29th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
I spent the other day with my 21 yr old profoundly autistic cousin who has a multitude of other problems too. I only mention this now because I just wanted to say how much I admire you, my aunt and uncle and everyone else for staying strong as you do, with humour and grace. Take care of yourself, hon. If it means resigning, glad you did. xxx
April 29th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Nothing funny, happy, helpful or uplifting to offer. All I can think of is - you’re beautiful and Boo is one mighty lucky little guy to have you and you’re a very blessed mum to have him.
April 29th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Kelley, I can’t imagine how you feel because I have little experience with autism but I do understand about brain dumps when the sh*t gets too much to handle,imagining the real fears an unknown future brings, is very overwhelming and catastrophic to the soul.
I am in awe of your honesty and raw emotion… though you still can’t inject some humour.
I have fears for my own children in a different way due genetically inherited disorders.
I agree that too with Stimey and Ange and well everyone.
“From what I read of you, you are doing a phenomenal job. You are loving your boy. He is happy. You are doing everything you can for him. Hang in there, girl. You are doing great!”
I couldn’t have said it better … so I copied it.
I know you entertain us with humour and how freaking awesome Boo is (we know he is)but it is liberating to know you are just like the rest of us.
Boo has a super mum and whatever happens he will be loved in this life.
I know your not much in for cyber hugs - but I will anyway.{hugs} sorry but I have no coffee, shoes or chocolate to send. I will have a wine this afternoon for you though.
April 29th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
*huggggggggggggggg*
Life is so bloody weird and exhausting and fun all at the same time, eh? I think we try to classify some things too much - things are rarely black and white but we feel bad if we acknowledge the crap in the flower-garden…
Love ya babe. You’re impressively tough. But you need more shoes.
April 29th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
I agree with everyone above - it sounds like its time to look after yourself and your family. I’m sure you’ve helped a lot of families through the support groups, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting some time to devote to your own.
I am blown away at how amazing and awesome (I’m a purist) you are and how you manage to do such a great job of looking after your Boo and still find the time and energy to make us regularly spray our screens with beverages. I’m so glad that you chose to share this with us, and not just the funny. We love the funny, but we know that there’s a lot going on in your life and we’re here to support you through the un-funny bits too.
(hugs)
April 29th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Oh hell yes, awesomer is a word, girl…and Rainman is pretty effin’ awesome so Boo must be the bomb
I had no idea, Kelley. Major hugs to you, you amazing woman. Props for resigning - it’s hard being the crutch (for lack of a better word) while there is so much shit going on in your own life. The decision will do wonders for you.
April 29th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
((( Kelley )))
Hugs and chocolate to you.
April 29th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Much love and chocolate to you.
I’m glad you quit. You can’t be all things to all people all the time. Time to focus on Kelley for a while.
((hug))
April 29th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
You need to meet my best friend. I think you might like each other.
April 29th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
People ask me how I can bring up four boys on my own. I just smile and say that I’m lucky to have easy kids. I don’t know how you can keep dredging up patience time after time, but I’ll hazard a guess that the patience dredging will be easier once you’re not dealing with everyone else’s stuff. (Adult nappies would send me into a mini meltdown…. you’re not alone.)
April 29th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
I had a comment here ready to submit, then I read everyone else’s and didn’t see any point in repeating the same words. Here have some chocolate.
April 29th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
As a newbie looking in, I’m in awe of how strong you are - how you keep it together every single day. It seems you are a tower of strength to all those around you - and for all the time you’ve spent helping others deal with their shit, you deserve to step back and say enough.
Here’s a kingsize bar for ya - I’ve only kept the first row you can have the rest…
April 29th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
***sharing virtual choccies across the seas***
(((HUGS))) I can just imagine.
April 29th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
I’m in tears after reading your post and words just aren’t enough. Sending cyber hugs, chocolate and coffee. I think you are abolutely awesome for all that you do!
April 29th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Geez, I teared up, too, and you KNOW what a tough guy I am…
I wish I was closer so I could give you a big ole hug. I would hardly even grope you at all.
Probably.
Love ya.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Aww sweety, you are such a great mummy to Boo - he’s a lucky boy to have you there for him!
Everyone else has said what I was thinking, so I’ll just leave ya with some (((((hugs))))) and *virtual chocolate*
I’m glad you’ve quit the extras - you’ve enough on your plate as it is hon!
April 29th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Everybody needs to vent. You’re showing a great deal of courage by doing it publicly.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Sorry can’t do individual thankyou’s for this. Just know that I love each and every one of you and I am so thankful to call you all my friends.
I am in tears. Happy grateful tears. Thankyou for supporting me during my brain implosion. I will be back snarky as ever as soon as possible.
April 29th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Hi Kelley,
Feeling your pain and understanding where you are coming from.
I’m so glad you put your thoughts to blog, and also that you are just looking to support YOU and Boo for now.
You can’t be all things to all people - I stopped trying ages ago - feels much better!
Take care,
G
xx
April 29th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Awesomerestest is a word too - that’s the kind of mom you are and Boo is so lucky to have you. You remind me a little of myself in that you rant, rage, get it out and *boom* done for the moment. Isn’t it funny how a little bit of humour gets us through so much? (Note the non-American way I spelled that)
You are an inspiration to many so chin up, brain stuffed back into that wickedly funny head and don’t forget to order the nappies.
Love Ya!
April 30th, 2008 at 12:16 am
I have a son on the spectrum, but he’s a walk in the park compared to adult nappies. I hated poopy diapers so much that I used every ounce of my creativity to motivate that child to potty train. I can deal with just about anything else he does (and you know there are some doozies!) but the poop? No, I would go batshytte.
I expect mine will never leave home.
I tip my arsehat to you.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:56 am
*HUG!!!*
Just thought you could use a good squeeze.
M&M
April 30th, 2008 at 2:39 am
And you are the awesomest of all my love.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:40 am
My son, like witchypoo’s, is a walk in the park. When I get frustrated with Zach for this, that and the other thing, I get a smile or a smart ass remark from that really strange sense of humor of his and it all just disappears. I know something, just something of what you’re feeling. I don’t know HOW I would handle adult nappies. I don’t know. But I do know how you do. I do know. And there’s a part of my heart that belongs to you. Because I know.
April 30th, 2008 at 6:02 am
A mother’s love, Kelley. Ain’t nothin’ like it. Your children are so blessed to have you.
April 30th, 2008 at 6:09 am
sending hugs and chocolate your way.
and i think you are so much more awesomer than anyone.
see? it is too a word!
April 30th, 2008 at 7:33 am
I’m sending you chocolate and new shoes…go kick some mail room ass!!!
April 30th, 2008 at 9:11 am
My husband’s brother is autistic and quite like Rainman. He’s nearly 30. The only food he will eat is hamburgers. He loves sports statistics and quoting cartoon characters. He’s one of the most riveting human beings I know. He knows the lyrics to every song..EVER. He knows on what day of the week any birthday in any year will fall on. He’s just amazing, and I’m so grateful to have him in my life. Sometimes when you post about Boo he reminds me a lot of my husbands brother. Anyway, I didn’t mean to leave the world’s longest comment. I actually meant to send a virtual hug.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:46 am
I spend a couple of months building up a nice love-hate thing with you here and then you slap me with something like this that makes me actually respect you too.
what a fucking bitch.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:00 am
I’m ending you a lifetimes supply of chocolate (as long as you promise to share with the awesome Boo!!).
You’re totally right about not taking on anyone else’s shit. Sometimes, you just have to take care of your own first.
I admire you though - awesome parent, awesome person, awesome kid.
Now shut up and have some chocolate!
April 30th, 2008 at 11:25 am
This was so beautifully written … and it’s so clear that, adult diapers aside, you love him with your whole heart and soul.
And that’s what being a mother is all about.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
I’m often a lurker around here, I felt compelled to come out and say something..
I used to look after two children for a friend of mine (well used to be) the eldest has autism he was 8 yers old at the time extremely bright but he did take up alot of time and could be very demanding. At one point I Was looking after these children every day until they went to sleep. I was totally overwhelmed, they werent my kids I had my own stuff to deal with. Where was the mother? Out around town doing anyone she oculd find.
I’m glad you’re there for Boo and you care. I thnk that is my point. I just wanted to share that. Everyone around here will be here next time you need to get some shit out.. We’ll make sure we have tissues beside us too!!
April 30th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
awesomer is a really cool word.. It is up there with shart and projagalent
(((hugs)))
kim
May 1st, 2008 at 1:32 am
Hey, those brain implosion moments are just Life’s way of keeping us supermum’s feet firmly on the ground coz our kids friggin’ rock!
May 1st, 2008 at 6:58 am
Kelley, I just so happen to think hat you are one of the most awesomest (also a word!) moms on the planet.
I totally heart you, and I wish I could give you hugs and possibly a new pair of shoes.
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:39 am
I get the scenario.
Happens here frequently.
Thanks for having the balls to be honest and blog about it. (So those lovelies aren’t boobies after all ???)
June 17th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Hugs Kelley.
I don’t think I have commented before but I am so proud of you. You deal with so much yet you still have your humour and no matter what crap happens, you still manage to keep the things that are real (your love for Boo amongst (sp?) other) upfront in your mind.
Thankyou so much for sharing this with us… even us lurkers.
Jen
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