Wandering down the street minding my own business….
and I swear to God, Allah, Budda and the Goddess that I saw this freaking woman.
I actually stopped dead in my tracks and did a double take.
Twice.
I think I even said ‘Fuck me dead’ out loud. Cause other people were doing double takes.
In my direction.
I was trying to descretely stalk watch the woman to ensure that my eyes weren’t deceiving me, but she gave me the slip. I swear it was the cartoon woman from the emails that hates everyone with a smile and tucks her tits into her pants.
In real life, wandering in Kmart.
The woman I hope to be when I am old.
Well not the tucking the tits in the pants part. I am hoping they will invent a cure for boob saggage by then. Like yesterday.
Damn breastfeeding milk sucking leeches destroying my body for their own brain development.
They better grow up to find the cure for boob saggage. Then I will be the first mother to donate her body to science before physical death.
Ahem. Anyway….
I want to be the foul mouthed Nanna giving un-solicited sex advice to the young ‘uns. Watching them go beetroot red while surupticiously gawking at my boob belt.
Embarrassing the crap out of my grandchildren and scaring the folk at the old peoples home.
Coordinating my incontinence pad with my slippers.
So what sort of old person do you want to be?
Nice nanna type with tissue covered boiled sweets in the bottom of a handbag that smells like mothballs?
Baking nanna who is always producing wonderful goodies for the grandkiddies?
Creepy old man sitting on the porch spitting at children walking past?
Or like my workmate, P, who has as a life mission to become the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons…
Popularity: 46% [?]
52 Responses to “Wandering down the street minding my own business….”
April 27th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
I wanna be the Granny who takes her kiddos hiking, teaches them HTML, and tells them fart jokes. I’m only really good at one of those right now…guess which one.
April 27th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
I’m already baking mum so I will probably grow to be baking Nana.
April 27th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I wanna be a GGG from Hoodwinked. Fo Sho.
April 27th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Bahahahaha… I have lots of ideas about what sort of old lady I will be. Um… that’s if I live that long and I’m not struck dead for listening to Nine Inch Nails in Mass.
I want to be the sort of old lady that gives advice to my children. When my hypothetical daughter is bleating to me that her kid won’t sleep, I will say:
“Knock the little bastards out with Phenergan. It didn’t do you any harm”
Or if I am the baking type granny, I will bake those ’special’ cookies that make me start singing “Lucy in the sky with diamonds”
Or, for the grand finale… when the grandkids ask “What made you fall in love with Grandpa?” I will say,
“Well, my lovelies, it was his eyes. I loved the look in his eyes when I tied him to a bed, put a choke collar around his neck and fucked him senseless”
And then Grandma will clink the ice in her vodka and think “Damn it’s good to be a crazy old biatch”
April 27th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Can I finish raising my kids before I think that far ahead? Honestly, I just want to survive motherhood first!! lmao
April 27th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Jen: Seeing you read here, I’m saying fart jokes..
Marita: I will send my grandkids over to your place then. Shit, I will send my kids now..
Mr Lady: yeah baby!
Anja: You are already a crazy old biatch.
Bettina: This sorta thing has to be cultivated. You can’t just all of a sudden start chucking cats at people you know! It has to be a slow build up with spurts of extreme madness.
April 27th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
I’m never going to be OLD enough for any of that stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 27th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Hi Kel,
I don’t have to worry about getting old - none of my Dad’s male relatives ever made it past 60 - most of the time, seeing old people and their disgraceful manners, I am thankful for this
Best regards, Andrew
April 27th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
I’ll greaefully step away from this conversation
April 27th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
or…gracefully instead perhaps…
April 27th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
hey that would have been fun - Maxine rawks …
I will be the baking Nana that tells my kids when they whinge about their kids -sucked in -just like my mum does … not really but she does say my bother (brother) was like my son is.
“Damn breastfeeding milk sucking leeches destroying my body for their own brain development: great quote and let me know when you find the cure to saggage!
April 27th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
I will turn into cat man, and have 40 cats, which will feed off me after I’ve died in my nice warm bed.
April 27th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Lightening: Oh yes you will be! I see you going ‘Oh the young whippersnappers have no idea how to recycle like we did in the ol’ days!’
Andrew: Only the good die young… make sure I am invited to your 100th.
Xbox4NappyRash: Why is that? Chicken?
Babyamore: So you are aiming for bitter then? MOTY says things like that. And *I* was an angel…
Grateful Guy: What a wonderful thing to aspire to! Cat food. Nom Nom Nom.
April 27th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
tell me then, how do I become a nana…
April 27th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
“Creepy old man sitting on the porch spitting at children walking past?”
See there was an option without a sex change
April 27th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
I tend to hiss at passing children as it is….
bitterness can do that to a dude
April 28th, 2008 at 12:22 am
So yeah - is it weird that I don’t want to get old??
I’m thinking like…60 is my limit. Maybe I’ll change my mind.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:22 am
I’m already aspiring to be the crazy old cat lady -
got 5 cats = tick
am old = tick
am crazy = Big Tick
And Grateful Guy - yes, yes they will. Cats don’t twine themselves around people’s legs to show love…they are doing their best to fell anyone over the age of 40 with a dicky hip and enough meat on their bones to stand in for supper
April 28th, 2008 at 1:05 am
Mmm, I want to be like my Great Aunty Merle. She brews her own beer, has a still and makes the most AWESOME Rum, sit up late watching the cricket and yelling at the neighbours kids to shut up while I’m trying to have a nana nap from 9am to 5pm every day.
No one will be allowed to touch anything because for the first time in my life when I put something down it will still be there 10 seconds later.
No, I’m not bitter at all.
April 28th, 2008 at 3:15 am
I plan to be the trailer park trash Gramma. I dream of selling everything, investing in a motor home and cruising the continent with like minded old farts. I will take pride in my patch of green outdoor carpeting and lone hanging basket. My teacup will never be empty, of gin.
April 28th, 2008 at 5:15 am
I wanna be the tiny little old lady with skin so thin it looks like onion paper, sitting in my chair wearing handmade crocheted slippers and holding a thick wooden cane in her hand.
I will have a trucker’s mouth and cuss with the best of them and any young one who pisses me off I’ll just whack them in the kneecaps with my cane.
I’ll keep stale gingerbread cookies in a dirty tin and force youngsters to eat them while I cackle at them.
And I’m not gonna wear a bra.
I’m gonna let the titties fly loose and flap around to really freak out the young ones.
April 28th, 2008 at 6:18 am
Boob belt….that’s funny!
April 28th, 2008 at 6:43 am
Ya’ll have Kmarts in Aussie-land?
Oh, and you are added to my blogroll… it was COMPLETELY an accidental oversight. I swear:)
April 28th, 2008 at 7:53 am
When I grow old, I want to be like my Gramma, and say really rude things, and get away with it because I’m old.
Like when the cash-till person told her “this product may contain nuts” when she was buying a pack of peanuts. Her reply, “I should fucking hope it contains nuts, it’s a pack of bloody peanuts you fuckwit!” Fun times
April 28th, 2008 at 8:21 am
I wanna be you. Or Goldie Hawn.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:53 am
I will carry on doing what I am doing.
Loud and Proud.
Dare to be different.
And wear alot of purple. Not the sweet old lady purple, BRIGHT purple hair. Yeah, it will rock.
And I have told my daughter I am homeschooling her kids, hehehehe.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
I wanna be old, crazy and best of all? Bloody embarrassing for my kids! I want to be the old lady people stare at, but who doesn’t care. I won’t GIVE a damn! I will totally and utterly be insane, happy and rock my grandkids/great-grandkids worlds (with embarrassment!)
April 28th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
HA! I love her, too. Well except the boob in the pocket part for me, too. I love how cynical she is!!! And pissy. I certainly can’t be baking nana….I’d kill people with my baked goods. They suck!
April 28th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
oh oh oh, there’s a good poem about this by Jenny Joseph
When I Am Old.
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat that doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me,
And I shall spend my pension
on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals,
and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired,
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells,
And run my stick along the public railings,
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people’s gardens,
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat,
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go,
Or only bread and pickle for a week,
And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats
and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry,
And pay our rent and not swear in the street,
And set a good example for the children.
We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me
are not too shocked and surprised,
When suddenly I am old
and start to wear purple!
Jenny Joseph
April 28th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
I want to be the slightly crazy old nanna who sits on the porch all afternoon after spending the morning baking wonderful goodies for the granchildren who are always too busy to visit. So I’d have to eat all the wonderful goodies myself (yum). I’d have my laptop on my lap of course, then I could “talk”(type) with my mouth full of crumbs and be spitting them everywhere as I try to chew with no teeth and passing children would cross to the other side of the strret to avoid the crazy spitting lady.
April 28th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Xbox4NappyRash: hissing as good. As long as it doesn’t sound like you have a slow leak.
Maria: I will ask you when you are 59 and a half.
Jayne: *snort* yes I do believe you are already mad.
Kin: Merle. Such an awesome name. Reminds me of Kingswood country!
Huckdoll: Man, I am joining you. Like now…
RedNeckmommy: Awesome. Huckdoll and I will swing by your place so we can compare boob belts.
VE: Not when you are old it isn’t.
Angel: Yeah, and we have e-leck-triss-it-tay too! It is awesome. We can plug in our kangaroos for a recharge before we ride them to work.
Kath: I would totally say that now. Stupid bint at the register!
Ree: You calling me old?
Widdle Shamrock: Purple is so cliche. MOTY has purple hair. I am thinking green. Or magenta. Or both.
Suze: Fabulous. Sounds like a perfect plan.
Ann: Instead of throwing cats like the mad cat lady, you can throw baked goods.
JodieOdie: Thanks for that. I think I am already there…
River: And I will swing by with the vodka and we can spit at the kids together.
April 28th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
What no commenet on the cricket watching? Either you’re slipping or deliberately ignoring me?
Careful or I’ll come over and force you to watch it with me…
April 28th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Haha that’s hilarious!
You should have discreetly snapped a photo of her with your phone and posted it on here.
Privacy laws? What privacy laws - it’s in the name of blogging!
April 28th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Kin: You will have to dig me up and have a shit load of air freshener to get me NEAR a TV with the fucking cricket on!
Katie: *snigger* WHY do you think I was following her? Biatch gave me the slip!
April 28th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Well, this is OUR situation….. my husband has already decided that he is going to be one of those disgusting dirty old men that all parents are afraid their children will talk to.
I fear I am goin to be spending my old age screaming “BRADLEY, PUT THAT DOWN!”
April 28th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
*sneaks off to have a nanna nap*
April 28th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
@frogpondsrock Ohhhhhh, I’d forgotten about the nanna naps! GO NANNA NAPS!
April 29th, 2008 at 12:07 am
I already know that I will be the old woman on the front porch hocking loogies at passing children and telling little Timmy to get his friggin’ bike out of my yard.
“Hey Timmy you little bastard! I saw your hooker mom at the grocery store buying beer and cigarettes. Tell her to get a real job because she looks like crap hangin’ at the corner turning tricks while you’re at school.”
April 29th, 2008 at 1:03 am
I wanna be like Olivia Dukakis in Steel Magnolias.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:06 am
I’m gonna be the little old man secretly leering at all the fine young wimmins wandering around WalMart.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:16 am
heh — i’m with you. i’d rather be your old lady, hands down, than any of those other characters.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:58 am
I am so gonna be baking gramma. Because I’m all sweeetness and light like that, you know?
April 29th, 2008 at 4:47 am
I am NEVER going to be “old”! *Gah* I will just be wiser (like THAT’S even possible).
April 29th, 2008 at 5:23 am
i want to be the COOL granny. the one who my grandkids can come to when life sucks with our common enemy (their parents, my children).
the one who CONTINUES to embarrass my children while my grandchildren laugh uproariously.
the unprissy granny.
the rockin’ granny.
but most of all, i wish for grandchildren who can show my children just how “wonderful” it is to raise children who are JUST LIKE THEY WERE. *snicker*
April 29th, 2008 at 6:48 am
ROFL! Oh man….crying over here! “They better grow up to find the cure for boob saggage”- Amen!
I hope to be the old woman you see in those surveillance videos who beat muggers with their cane.
April 29th, 2008 at 7:15 am
I totally want to be the feisty one, like Ruth, who lived across the street from my mother, and about whom a neighbor once said “she goes where angels fear to tread”.
April 29th, 2008 at 7:30 am
I would also probably have told the cash man that. And been promptly thrown out of the shop. Gramma got away with it, that is the part I envy. Though I would say, “No shit sherlock!” to him, I have a deep love of that phrase.
April 29th, 2008 at 8:46 am
LOL! I think you’re on your way then. Old people are just more intense versions of their younger selves, minus the energy. So I’ll be a Chanel-wearing, condo-living, world-traveling, don’t-bother-me-with-your-sob-story kind of old lady. I survived, let’s see if you can! That will be my theme.
April 29th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Goaldeebug: Why am I not surprised?
Frogpondsrock: Oh I HATE nanna naps! They make me feel worse and Mr Nobody always comes to visit and trashes my house…
QueenGoob: Seems to me you have it scarily planned out.
Jenny: Oh yeah! ‘Looks like two pigs fighting under a blanket’ is my favourite remark watching a chick walking in an outfit 2 sizes too small. Or looking at my arse in the mirror in store changerooms.
Iceel: What with a camera in your shoes???
Slouching Mom: We can compare notes and co-ordinate Depends.
Gina: *gaffaw* yeah… right… OK… lets play pretend.
Maternal Mirth: Can we spell denial?
The planet of Janet: You sound like my mother. SHE thinks she is like that.
Sandy: Awesome! Then you can upload them to Youtube…
Magpie: I would want that on my tombstone. That is something to aspire to be. Rock on Ruth!
Kath: ‘how about I make you a steaming hot cup of shut the fuck up?’ is one of my favs. Can’t wait to say that as a frail looking old woman.
Melain: Hmmm, don’t know if that is an insult or not! LMAO
April 30th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Grandmother? Shit…I’m not sure I’m going to surive their childhood.
May 8th, 2008 at 5:25 am
My granddad used to teach me and my brother filthy limericks.
I want to be like that.
Cheers
BC
May 8th, 2008 at 8:55 am
AMomTwoBoys: wait till they are teens, then childhood is a walk in the park…
Babychaos: What a Grandad?
Leave a Comment