Just give me the freaking envelope asshat.
As I have mentioned numerous times I work in a large office.
Like freaking gobs of people wandering around, looking efficient but really just looking for someone to bother. Or ways to make me want to hurt them.
Boo has decreed sleeping so last year so I am a little more irritable than usual. Unfortunately that has rendered my snide remarks and withering stares virtually useless. And the mongrel hordes are taking advantage.
Today I needed a postpak. On my desk I have a shite load of envelopes of varying sizes, but the more heavy duty larger ones are in the mailroom. And they guard them like they fucking paid for them or something.
I had a couple of hundred pages that I had to send back to a moron who doesn’t know his law from his arsehole, and after drafting a fabulous letter full of legal jargon that would send his stupid little comb-over sporting head whirring like a spin top, I needed a postpak.
So off to the mailroom. Looked around for someone I knew to no avail. A chick I know to nod to on the lift is standing at a large table strewn with envelopes.
‘Heya Mary (and her name is Mary, cause I only use initials for people that earn anonymity, not asshats) I need a postpak. Can you point me to them?’
‘I don’t work there’ replies Mary the fuckwit.
‘Pardon? Since when?’
‘I don’t do mail’ she replies while slitting open an envelope.
*boggle*
‘I just need an postpak’ yeah, I am fucking slow on the uptake today.
‘Look, you want outwards mail. I don’t do that’
‘Um, okaaaaaay, wanna point me to someone who does outwards mail that can point me to the fucking postpaks then?’
‘They have finished for the day’ she says smugly
I punch her in the face.
‘Has the mail gone out yet?’
‘No. It is over there.’ she points to a pile of bags and boxes at the service lift.
‘So how about you just help me out and let me know where the postpaks are so I can get this out today. Cause it really needs to go out today or I will have to send it priority mail tomorrow’
I smile sweetly. My lips hurt from the effort to pull them into a smile rather than a snarl. I will my hands to unclench even with the vision of wrapping them around her neck, digging my freshly lacquered red nails into her flesh.
‘Sorry’
Okay then. Someone seems to need a little power trip or a vibrator or something. I spy R sitting over in the far corner. I stride over to him and repeat my request.
He gets up and leads me to a small supply cupboard Directly. Behind. Mary.
Fucking bitch.
I chose my postpak, thank him profusely, fill out the address etc etc etc and R takes it from me to put in today’s mail.
‘Love your shoes today Kelley’ he calls out as I leave. I resist the urge to poke my tongue out at Mary.
As the door closes behind me I hear Mary’s whiny little voice…
‘You shouldn’t have done that R. You aren’t on outwards mail today’
Might email her the URL for the Hello Kitty ’shoulder massager’.
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38 Responses to “Just give me the freaking envelope asshat.”
April 2nd, 2008 at 10:48 pm
OMG, at least I wasn’t the only one to have a day like that, but mine wasn’t mail related, it was bloody phones.
Make sure you go in there tomorrow with some stupid request and the hottest shoes you own.
Thought of you this afternoon whilst in the shoe shop. I can feel a shoe shop coming on.
April 2nd, 2008 at 11:15 pm
Mary, Queen of the Mailroom, is not happy. I am feeling some jealousy for your shoes, your job and your ability to ask for what you want and get it. She works in the mailroom. A new tactic is called for. I think you should offer Mary a few compliments about her mail opening techniques and her ability to toe the line when it comes to bequeathing corporate supplies. She is at the bottom of the pecking order and needs something to control, like envelope quotas. I tell ya, bite your tongue, lie through your teeth, and tell her something nice. You will get as many envelopes as you want next time. If not, write her an anonymous letter (because you know she will get to open it) about what a tight bitch she is. Hope you get some sleep!
April 2nd, 2008 at 11:27 pm
Oh Kelley - Mary is deserving of some of these comments …anonymously or not !
http://psychoprogs.com/comedy/things-youd-like-to-say-at-work-but-cant/
What a bitch I bet she wears ugly shoes too !
April 2nd, 2008 at 11:28 pm
*snort*
This brings back soooo many wonderful memories of when I worked at Centrelink…….. *sigh*… those were the days!
She has no power so makes everyones life as miserable as possible.
I agree with Lily. Kill the bitch with kindness and next time she will be trying to kiss your shoes….. well, she can try! LOL
April 2nd, 2008 at 11:39 pm
I hate it when people pull the “its not my job” shit - guaranteed to get you on my shit list. I tend to remember them too when it comes to cost takeout and headcount reduction plans - just gets me thinking that we can do without them!
April 3rd, 2008 at 12:03 am
Hugs. That woman has no clue and I’d be amazed if she ever gets a promotion or merit raise.
My boss preaches “Gold Standard Customer Service” not only for our customer service department, not only for departments dealing with customers, but for all departments - for both internal and external clients. We used to get similar from our Mail Services, but since my boss put them through this training, they’ve been doing a much better job. I hope your company will get better, too.
April 3rd, 2008 at 12:10 am
Definitely earns jobsworth tosser of the week award. I admire your patience. I’d have ripped her sodding head off… oh… maybe I need the hello kitty shoulder massager.
Cheers
BC
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:15 am
Kinda makes you understand that there is, yes, there REALLY is, more than one use for a cricket bat.
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:40 am
What a bitch!!!!!
I hate whiny shitty people!
If she ever asks you for help or to show her something at least you will be able to tell her to shove it and not feel bad!
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:52 am
Do you want me to kick her ass for you?
April 3rd, 2008 at 3:40 am
Yes, brings back my own memories of working in government. So many people who wouldn’t be caught dead doing something outside their official job description.
April 3rd, 2008 at 3:54 am
Just punch her in the throat.
Marys are really good for that.
April 3rd, 2008 at 4:05 am
Speachless!
April 3rd, 2008 at 4:33 am
What a complete shitbag!
Perhaps next time Kelley, you could ‘rap’ at her… go with something along the lines of “I’ll stab you in the eye yo, with a fuckin biro” and if she isn’t impressed enough to give you envelopes, at least she’ll be afraid that you’re a bit crazy.
Follow it up with a “yayerrr” (Lil John styleee) as you wander off… with a gangster limp.
April 3rd, 2008 at 5:07 am
Hah, Mary, mary quite contrary,
how does your mail room grow?
With Fuck you stares, and I don’t cares
and arrogant attitides all in a row.
Just give me her email address and one week. That’s all I need….muwhaha…
April 3rd, 2008 at 6:49 am
rofl VE, love it.
Can’t believe the trip this chick is on.
A power kick whilst wearing a pair of stilettos should sort her out.
April 3rd, 2008 at 7:05 am
Might email her the URL for the Hello Kitty ’shoulder massager’.
Her? What about me? My shoulders are stiff…
April 3rd, 2008 at 10:14 am
I will totally kick that bitch in the vagina for you.
April 3rd, 2008 at 11:27 am
Sounds like she needs sex. Alot of sex. Yup, sex is good for getting rid of the tension…so I’m told.
April 3rd, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Let me send her the URL. Oh Please?!?
April 3rd, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Unfreakingbelievable — not only that she was so unhelpful, but that she was scolding a co-worker for being helpful. I’m truly astonished. She sounds like a very unhappy person, but I’m not inclined to feel terribly sympathetic. After all, it’s possible to be unhappy and helpful at the same time. Sheesh.
April 3rd, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Oh she’s a claaaasey piece of work….
Here’s hoping a pair of your stunningly gorgeous stilettos accidently falls between her eyes.
April 3rd, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Those poor, snarky, little power tripping corporate supply people probably have to account for EVERY freaking piece of paper, probably with triplicate paperwork……….Jeez, there’s probably even a written rule that says “Thou shalt NOT cross the job description line….”
April 3rd, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Wow…she needs to get a life! Poor woman needs to discover the world outside the mailroom. (Or maybe she’s too much of a cow for that.)
Asshat is now my new favourite insult!!
April 3rd, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Doh. I replied to everyone in my head. Honest!
Gemisht: Squeeee! I lurves me some shoes, don’t forget to show me!
Lily: Nah, I just think she is a lazy old scrubber and deserves to be treated with scorn. However these type of dickwads know just how to twist a bite-me-you-fucking-twat into a law suit. And take my shoes.
Trish: Number 14 ” I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.” being my favourite.
Goaldeebug: *shudder* working at Centrelink. That would have to be the most thankless rule driven job on earth.
Ian: Unfortunately someone needs to open the mail… no matter how sour faced they are.
Ashley: You can’t regulate asshats.
Babychaos: You need the link?
Iceel: Arse or head?
Lulu: Don’t you know it! However I can’t see her needing my help for anything, except perhaps if I steal her letter opener, and then she would just need a hand removing it from her skull.
Sonia: Only if you are wearing washable shoes. She seems to be a tad anally retentive, could dislodge a shite load of shit.
Guera: The insane thing is I don’t actually know what my job description is! I just do what I do… hmm might need to buy a letter opener.
Xbox4NappyRash: Quick short jab or one of those cartoon windup ones?
Casdok: *snort*
MrsFancyPants: Aint no limpin’ goin’ on here baby! Almost 4 weeks of no heels. Strutting is the only walk going on.
VE: Awesome! It is Mary is a fuckwit @ Godcomplex dot com.
Widdle Shamrock: So complete with a Miss Piggy exclaimation?
Solomon: You should already have it!
Jenny: *gaffaw* that is exactly what Moo said. Makes you wonder what sort of teen I am cultivating there. And yes, thanks!
Tiff: Yeah, so I have heard too… hmmm, fucking sleepless child.
Ree: *snigger* no get your hawt arse down here and bring her one of your butterflies…
Beth: The worse thing is is that R has an intellectual disability. Fucking bitch should not have said anything, if she had an issue it was with me, not him.
Kelly: Falls REAL hard.
River: I think it is more that she is a dickhead more than accounting for envelopes.
Kath: It is a fabulous word isn’t it?
April 4th, 2008 at 12:16 am
I thought bathing was so last year.
I guess I owe some people an apology.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:56 am
LMFAO
C’mon, admit that Mary is really related to Anja’s
best friendpet idiot SFBOr tempt the time space continuim into a mega implosion by just introducing them to each other - it’ll put you both out of your miseries and give us something to watch with the popcorn
April 4th, 2008 at 6:29 am
oh a wind-up punch most definitely, and aptly.
Although, I am softening to Mary’s side of things, she has a point.
April 4th, 2008 at 6:47 am
You said “ASSHAT”!!!
LMFAO!!!!
April 4th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Glad I don;t work in the public sector anymore. What an idiot. Lucky the nice man helped you out. Next time you need an envelope help yourself.
Or you could have gone on a search & destroy message to find the envelope you needed….
April 4th, 2008 at 9:16 am
Mr Fabulous: Yes you do. I was wondering what that stench was… did you give away all your purdy smelling soaps?
Jayne: We could tape it and sell it to the tv networks! Clash of the Asshats.
Xbox4NappyRash: And a roundhouse kick to the spleen to you too buddy.
Melain: Such a wonderfully descriptive word isn’t it?
Kelli: Yes, now I know where they are I can just slap her around the head afterwards.
April 4th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Why can’t we all just get along?
April 4th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Oh I think Mary needs something with more power than Hello Kitty!
April 4th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Poor old Mary - that’s a dismal little empire she’s ruling eh?
April 4th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Oh My Fucking God.
I’m sorry, WHAT is her problem?
*sniggers* I stole some small stationery items from the stationery cupboard today. That fucking Nazi admin chick didn’t even catch me!! Ha fucking Ha!
April 4th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Xbox4NappyRash: *gaffaw* cause then life would be boring, or God forbid, NICE.
Sandy: Orbital sander?
Jodieodie: Rather sad really.
Tracey: *snort* ours is always empty. Wonder what people need all that blue tac for…
April 5th, 2008 at 10:13 am
I hate little control freaks. Not like it cost her anything to give you an envelope - asshat!
Gotta love R though.
April 9th, 2008 at 5:38 am
I’ll hold her down for you.
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