I am just not feeling it right now.
Major suckage going on here.
And I am so totally not feeling the phunny. Nor the silly, stupid or down right un-fucking-believably idiodic.
Those of you that have been following me on Twitter would know (or if you have been following it in my left sidebar) that MOTY got diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday.
For the second time.
Then I discover from talking to her today it was by a GP.
A fucking GP.
She has been complaining of a sore nipple since Christmas. I kept telling her to go and get it checked but she wouldn’t. Finally she went yesterday.
She came over afterwards and told me. She was positively glowing. My mother revels in illness. She adores the attention. Harsh but true.
But the thing is, she has just seen a GP. And now she is calling everyone in the known universe to tell them that she has Paget’s disease and it is stage 4. After flashing her tit at a GP.
For all I know it could be true. She is having the biopsy and ultrasound today. But she doesn’t KNOW. There have been no tests, I am hoping to God/Goddess/Budda/the universe and anyone else who will listen that it is just excema or something.
But she has told everyone that it is STAGE 4. And now I have to tell my kids.
I have to tell my children that their Nanna may or may not have cancer again without an official diagnosis (appt is Wednesday next week) cause we have Grandma’s funeral on Sunday and MOTY will be milking the attention as best as she can during the service.
Fuck.
Look, don’t get me wrong, I am scared shitless that it is Paget’s as most cases have underlying tumors. I am rearranging my life in my head to be able to be there for all the treatment (given the fact that they live 25 mins from town and my dad being blind cannot care for her) researching ad nauseum etc etc etc.
I just wish that she would wait. Wait for a diagnosis. Wait till we know what we are dealing with before telling everyone.
Right now I am pissed. If she was scared or worried or anything but positively fucking GIDDY I would feel differently.
I was talking to her before, organising the food for the ‘afternoon tea’/funeral for Grandma. Last week she was fine. Today she is tired. ‘It is because of the cancer you know. But I am fine, don’t you worry. I will bake for Grandma.’
I suggest we just buy something, no one will mind.
Nooooo, must bake a shit load, drive 2 1/2 hours to my Aunties, be a fucking martyr and then tell everyone she is dying.
I just want to bash her around the head. It is fucking de ja vu. We just celebrated 10 years since her breast was removed, 5 since she stopped Tamoxifen. The pill she called her ‘chemo’.
‘How are you MOTY’ some unsuspecting acquaintance would ask.
‘Oh, fine, wonderful, I had my chemo this morning and it is working’
Oh, fuck me dead. We have lived this for the last 10 years. Introducing herself as ‘MOTY breast cancer survivor and by the way did you know that my husband is blind and my grandson has Autism? I know, it is a burden but I manage.’
I kid you not. She enjoys playing the victim.
I just hope that she is wrong. I pray that she has made another mountain out of a mole hill, or a little bit of cancer in a removed mole - yes, last month she had a little bit of cancer in a mole on her back. Then there was the thyroid problem that she just needs to take vitamins for. The ‘probable cervical cancer’ ultrasound she had last week. Or the myriad of other aliments that appear and disappear.
But is this her ‘boy who cried wolf’?
I just wish I didn’t have to tell my children. Not yet anyway.
So as I said, major fucking suckage.
Oh and haters, bring it on. Nothing you can say will make me feel any worse.
UPDATE:
She had the ultrasound, they didn’t see any thing. She didn’t have the biopsy/needle aspiration or scraping of the flaky shit. WTF? Why not?
Methinks there is more to this. Methinks that my dear Anja may be right with the whole ‘upstaging the funeral thing’ and that, my friends, is low. Fucking low. If that is what she is up to I WILL fucking slap her.
Anyway… I told my girls and they were all ’so she doesn’t know for sure so why is she telling people?’ and ‘oh, OK, lets wait till she sees the doctor’. Cause unfortunately these poor girls have seen this woman cry wolf far too many times.
As they are walking away I hear Too say to Moo ‘That’s Nanna for you, all the drama shit.’
Sigh.
They are growing up and realising that the world is fucked up.
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47 Responses to “I am just not feeling it right now.”
March 28th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Are you sure we are not related because I swear you just described my mother.
Crossing my fingers that the biopsy reveals nothing cancerous.
March 28th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
*hugggggg*
Dear God, what a shit of a week.
I hope the biopsy results are good, that your mum settles down for a bit, and Boo gives you a chance to sleep and process.
MWAH.
March 28th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
Your mother sounds like god should strike her deaf and dumb………..Mine had bowel cancer which led to several operations for removal of sections, by the end I was surprised she had any bowel left. You should just see the added fibre I eat just so I won’t go the same way. Unlike yours, though , my mum didn’t tell me until she was having chemo after the third operation.
March 28th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Hugs to you Kelley… and Smootches
and everything else nice that I can send you…
xxxxKim xxx
March 28th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
How frustrating for you.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Um. Yuk! As if you didn’t already have enough to deal with. Hugs and vibes being sent your way - hope you get through the funeral and the aftermatch.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
HUGEST (((HUGS))) and SMOOTCHES Babe!
I can’t verbalise it but I know just how you feel.
Take Care Darl!
K
March 28th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
God that is major suckage! I am so sorry!
And I hope for your sake, and hers, too, that she is wrong!
March 28th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
I really hope that she’s wrong! But OMW I’d be mad too! Especially with you having to explain this “semi” illness to your kids!
March 28th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Crap, I’m sorry. A couple of people I know are dealing with medical related shit this week and it sucks.
Hoping it is a false alarm.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Yikes! How did you survive growing up with her as a mother?
March 28th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Shit, hey.
I’ve no idea what you must be feeling. I imagine I’d just want to shake her until she saw sense, which doesn’t help in the slightest, huh?
You strike me as anything BUT one who likes to play the victim. How awesome for you and your children that you’ve broken that pattern.
Lots of cyberhugs and calm, chocolate filled vibes.
March 29th, 2008 at 12:18 am
Hope it isn’t the big C again and you can settle back into the phunny wise cracking potty mouth you are famous for.
Seriously I can’t imagine either what you are going through and having to play the dutiful daughter too and comfort your MOTY as well wanting her to see sense.
March 29th, 2008 at 12:19 am
Virtual handshake!
Yep, I know what you are talking about. Only it’s not my Mom. It’s my Dad.
Who has actually gathered whole family around his bed to say goodbye (he had flu) and called me recently to state that his days are counted because he’s sweating excessively.
I do hope it’s more her fantasy this time. Wish you all the strength in the world to deal with it.
March 29th, 2008 at 12:47 am
ugh that sucks. I really hope it isn’t as bad as she’s making it out to be
March 29th, 2008 at 1:02 am
hugs and hugs and smootches and chocolate and coffee and ‘give the woman a break vibes’ to your family
March 29th, 2008 at 1:29 am
(((hugs)))
March 29th, 2008 at 1:53 am
Oh crap. I’m sorry, hon.
March 29th, 2008 at 3:13 am
Listen - She gave birth to one of the BEST women I know, and so I hope with all my heart that she’s fine.
Surely your Moo and Too know about her “eccentricities”?
March 29th, 2008 at 4:02 am
oh geez. We’re all hoping for the best. Just get through this weekend.
March 29th, 2008 at 4:20 am
Hope it’s nothing and you and your Mum don’t have to deal with it again. Despite all this shit, hope that tomorrow’s “do” is OK and that you can concentrate on celebrating Grandma’s life. ((hugs))
March 29th, 2008 at 4:55 am
That totally bites. I too send many friendly hugs and wishes for better weeks to come…
Take care,
Dd.
March 29th, 2008 at 5:00 am
Major, major suckage.
Aw, Kelley, I wish I could come help, or bake, or just convince your mother to let you just buy something for goodness’ sake.
Ack.
I hope it’s not cancer, I really do. With all my heart.
March 29th, 2008 at 5:16 am
Martyrs wreck my fucking head.
If you ARE sick, get proper help. I’ll help you as much as I can.
If you’re NOT sick then just shut up.
It doesn’t mean I don’t give a shit about you.
I hear ya, and I hope you get the chance to bawl your mam out of it for annoying you.
Good luck.
March 29th, 2008 at 8:40 am
What haters??
Are people abusing you on your own blog? How rude…
(Hang in there. These life drama things always seem to happen in clumps. Just grit your teeth and smile like a crazy woman.)
March 29th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Hugs, hunky men and chocolate body paint.
We have a family member who is similar.
It is frustrating as one day it will be true and then you will kick yourself for not taking it seriously.
You need this right now, like you need a hole in the head.
March 29th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Hey babe, I’m just wondering here, and tell me to shut my fucking face if I go overboard, but here ’tis…
Your dear grandmother has just passed, and therefore a lot of your emotion and time would be focused in her direction.
Your mother would have one heck of a time upstaging ‘dead’, so she *has* to have cancer to make sure the focus is back on her.
Don’t get me wrong; I hope like crazy that she’s just got a case of excema as well. But for someone who *needs* to have the focus on her so much, that’s why she is yelling CANCER from the rooftops.
I tend to agree with Ree. Surely your kids know that their grandmother is a flake and a half.
Hugs to you, babe. Take it easy on yourself. And if anyone tries to abuse you on your own blog, send me their email addy.
I can be such a nasty piece of works.
March 29th, 2008 at 11:30 am
I am not sure if I have delurked before or not, but I just hope that her panic is not based on fact and that you will have years to explain to your kids why you have let her live so long.
March 29th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Huge Hugs to you. I hope that it is a false alarm, and I am sure that your girls will “get it” when you explain everything to them. But grrr at being put in this position.
Focus for the weekend needs to be on celebrating your Grandmother’s life. Do what you need to do to get through it - hell, go and buy something, rip the packaging off and Ta Da - home made LOL. And HUGS for your Dad for this weekend too.
And when you send the email address of the haters to Anja, CC it to me too. I am good at returning hate when I need to be
March 29th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Shyte on a stick, you described my dearly departed mother to a T !
And of course if you vent at all, everyone thinks you’re The Most Horrible Daughter Ever Spawned - or is that just my title?
Fingers crossed and ((hugs)) that there’s nothing there.
March 29th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Hugs Hun!!
If you need any research articles, let me know, have subscription access to most journal and text publishers via the uni and have already read a few on pagets recently as we covered it (briefly) in our medical surgical unit.
Many many hugs, my grandmother is like your mother in many ways, to the point that she “caught my vomiting bug” when I was having ALL DAY Morning Sickness while pregnant. At the moment I want to strangle her because she does have cancer (malignant melanoma that cant be removed because it is behind and inside her nose and roof of mouth) and has to have radium therapy, but wont believe me that there will be side effects, that she wont be able to run around and do everything for herself, and that she will need to ask for help. Needs to be hit with a sledgehammer to accept not being able to be totally independant and she is almost 87 (radium treatment due to start ON HER BIRTHDAY!!). However she is enjoying telling people how she has it, and has to travel interstate to have the radium (Brisbane is nearest treatment option). And I am also terrified of losing her as she is the closest thing I have to a mother.
At the very least, my kids dont seem to pay attention to her talking about illnesses or injuries, so they dont get that it could be fatal if the radium doesnt work.
So many many many hugs, I understand at least a little bit of your inner torment.
Erin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 29th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Hey Kelley,
Was really sorry to read what’s been happening, not much useful I can say, just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and hoping things get better. Take care of yourself in the meantime.
best wishes.
March 29th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Hugs to you, love. Major suckage is right. I’m hoping and praying it’s a false alarm. xo.
March 29th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Holy crap. I’m sorry to hear this, for the obvious reasons. Keep hanging on, dearie. *hug* You’re in my thoughts.
March 29th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Mums are the darndest things.
Hope yours is ok and that you are too.
March 29th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
*sighs* Perhaps MOTY should meet EMIL (evil mother in law). Read all about her over at my joint. They seem to have a lot in common…
March 29th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
I agree with Ree and Anja that surely Moo and Too know how their grandma is by now, so not too much explaining is needed there. Just grin and bear it for your grandma’s funeral, your girls will help you through. I hope your mum is okay after all.
March 30th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
God if I ever get like this as a mother someone shoot me! Quickly..it defies explaination as to WHY you would do this to your children…
Having said that I do hope its nothing too insidious…
March 30th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Oh Kelley
Thankfully my mother wasnt a ‘cry wolf’ patient, but she DID feel that because she was old that she was entitled to say exactly as she damned pleased. That made for some pleasant conversations! LOL
I sincerely hope that she is ok.
Hugs
March 31st, 2008 at 6:17 am
Urgh. I’m sorry. I hope your mom’s okay. And I hope the drama de-escalates.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:22 am
Huge hugs babe.
March 31st, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I’m sorry about the suckage. Glad that the ultrasound came back all clear.
March 31st, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Good grief! I’m so sorry. I’m glad the ultrasound looked clear. I can’t imagine staying sane through all of this *hugs*.
March 31st, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Ahhh crap.
Major sympathies Kelley, Some families do have em - we’ve got 2 medico-drama queens in our family who pull dying swan stunts like that, and ‘put off’ having their surgery for stage 5 uterine cancer (there aint no stage 5), and it all just dies a death (well, figuratively).I’m an RN, I’m completely over it. I ususally get a friend to take them for their appointment, or the ED if I think its a stunt. But with BrCa its a bit hard to do that. So …. nothing to biopsy….. She’ll find a way to milk that as a medical mystery too, the doctors won’t know what to do with her!
What a complete pain in the ass. Remember your Grandma, outlive your MOTY!!!!!!!!!!! Hope it truly IS nothing.
(((((hugs)))))
March 31st, 2008 at 6:43 pm
OMG I think you and I must also be related, my mother does the same thing… latest thing is that she has had a few strokes in the last few months (she hasn’t) she just likes crying wolf.. god help us if there is actually anything REALLY wrong with her!! Add to the my ‘perfect’ brother and they are a lovely pair!
I really hope your mum is ok and that you manage to stay sane through all of this.
April 5th, 2008 at 10:30 am
:O
That woman is un-be-lievable.
Hope your Grandma’s funeral went as well as it could.
Sounds as though the girls are very sensible though - great on one hand, such a shame that they have to be already on the other.
xx
May 26th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Hah! I’m last here! Ha ha ha ha
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