She is in a coma….
the doctors don’t believe she will regain consciousness.
They are the only words I remember from the phone call.
She is in a coma.
My grandmother. Months of pain, in and out of hospital with falls and medication overdoses, it is for the best. She is no longer in pain. She is peaceful.
She is in a coma.
But yesterday she was fine. Yesterday she went out to lunch. Yesterday things were cool.
Yesterday she asked about me. Yesterday she remembered me.
She is in a coma. The doctors don’t believe she will regain consciousness.
She is so far away. I want to hold her hand, tell her I love her, like I did with my mothers mother. My nanna. I held her hand while she took her last breath. I held her hand while the colour drained from her face and her jaw became slack and the wrinkles disappeared from her face. She became young again. I look like her. I held my hand as I died.
But now another grandparent is dying. And I cannot be there.
She has Alzheimer’s. She doesn’t recognise her own son, my father. But she knows me. She knows my mum. She knows her daughter. My Auntie. Who has been with her every. single. day. for the last 2 years.
Reminding her that she is in a nursing home. Reminding her that she is divorced from my grandfather. Reminding her. Reminding her. Reminding her of her life.
So I wait. That horrible gut wrenching phone call.
The call to tell me. Tell me, she is………. gone.
The phone rings.
I am startled out of my tears.
‘Hello?’ I say hesitantly. Not wanting to hear the words.
‘So what are you going to do about that bastard Rudd taking the Carers bonus away?’ a voice commands down the line.
‘Not now, H.’ I managed to whisper. It is not the call. It is not the call.
‘Well WHEN?’ she demands ‘We need to do something now’
‘Not now.’
‘Why? What have you planned?’
‘Nothing H. Just not now. I can’t talk now’ I can’t form the words. I don’t want to form the words.
She is pissed off.
Shit, I am fucking pissed off.
I hang up. I sit, staring at the wall, tears making rivets in my makeup. My Nanna and my Grandma, their faces melding into one.
She is in a coma.
The phone rings again.
My heart stops for a second.
‘Hello’
‘Hi, my name is X and my child has just been diagnosed with Autism…’
Not now. God, not now.
‘Look, I am really sorry, I don’t have time to chat to you right now. Here is another number you can call. I am really sorry’
She abuses me and then slams down the phone.
Yeah, fuck you too.
She is in a coma.
I pick up Boo from school. I pick up Too from the train station. And her friend. Too is having a sleepover tonight with 3 friends.
I move through the motions. Shopping, kids, laundry.
She is in a coma.
I can’t get it out of my head.
Parents come and drop off kids. One fucker demands to know if vegetables are on the menu tonight. I tell her to fuck herself only if they are on the pizza. Who asks that shit anyway?
The phone rings. I instruct Too to say I am not home.
Unless it is my mother or father. Or auntie. Or….. oh fuck it, give me the phone.
‘Sorry I can’t talk now’ I tell the voice on the line. Another angry carer, wanting to spill the blood of the government.
And another.
And another.
Leave me alone. Leave me alone. I silently scream to the heavens. Leave. Me. Alone.
She is in a coma.
The tears are just there. Pooling in my collarbone. No sobs. No wails. Just tears.
She is in a coma… the doctors don’t believe she will regain consciousness.
I sit here in a house full of screaming laughing girls. Pizza going cold next to me.
She is in a coma.
And next week I will be going to a funeral.
And the sobs come.
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52 Responses to “She is in a coma….”
March 7th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
HUgS. No other words, just multitudes of Hugs and Cyber Chocolate.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
sending my love Kelley…
March 7th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
oh I’m so so sorry to hear this. Sending all my love to you ((hugs))
March 7th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
My love and sincere condolences Kelley.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
I’m so sorry. *hugs*
March 7th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
I am so sorry Kelley *hugs*
March 7th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Hugs babe - thinking of you.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
I’m so sorry. *hugs*
March 7th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Sweetheart… I send you all the strength and love that I have.. *smootches* and I also send you my tears.. cause it’s better to cry together..
hugs and tears and chocolate and beers…
mmm how do i add or alter weird .. or wierd shit! shit! shit.. I think I best delete it…(hehehehe Naaa on second thoughts.. I will leave it as is…) or not.. (((HUGS)))
kim.((((((Hugs))))))
March 7th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
This stuff is never easy. Know that you are loved and cared for/about. (((HUGS)))
March 7th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
I’m so sorry Kelley. Much love to you.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Big hugs.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
I am so sorry…Big hugs. My thoughts are with you and your family…
March 7th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Kelley - virtual hugs…Thinking of you and your family at this difficult time.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
I’m very sorry Kell. (((hugs))) and tissues.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
thinking of you….
March 8th, 2008 at 12:11 am
I am so very sorry! Just because she’s at peace does not make it easier for you…
Thinking of you sending you lots of good thoughts and hugs.
You need a break…take a breath…we’ll do it together!
I am so so sorry….
Thinking of you, and her
March 8th, 2008 at 1:13 am
I know exactly what you are going through. I went through the same thing with my grandmother. She had alzheimers as well. it was so very tough seeing her lose who she was. When she finally became the shell of her former self, I had the exact same feelings and thoughts as you because the movie had the same script.
I am really sorry for what you are your family are going through. Trust…I know.
March 8th, 2008 at 1:14 am
I’m so sorry honey. {{hugs}} I’m crying here with you.
March 8th, 2008 at 1:39 am
I’m so sorry.
“Months of pain, in and out of hospital with falls and medication overdoses, it is for the best. She is no longer in pain. She is peaceful.”
Hold onto that.
She doesn’t sound like the kind of lady who would want you to mourn her passing, it sounds like she’d want you to celebrate her life…
Take care you.
BC
March 8th, 2008 at 1:46 am
I’m so sorry. Take care of yourself, which is so easy to say, and so hard to do when you are already taking care of everybody else.
March 8th, 2008 at 2:06 am
The women in my family all tell me I am the best hugger. They call them ‘bear hugs’. I’m wrapping my arms around you and giving you the biggest, squeeziest bear hug you’ve ever had.
(**H U G**)
Lou
March 8th, 2008 at 2:16 am
March 8th, 2008 at 2:36 am
ahh mate, sorry to hear/read your crappy news.
try and keep your chin up.
take care x
PS - if you want Baileys email me, I’m sure I could get some to you.
March 8th, 2008 at 3:05 am
Sorry about that Kelley. That’s hard. I remember when my grandmother went into a coma. You’re just never prepared for closure…
March 8th, 2008 at 3:10 am
I’m very sorry, my friend.
March 8th, 2008 at 3:26 am
I am so very sorry.
March 8th, 2008 at 4:12 am
No words, just a hug ….
March 8th, 2008 at 4:45 am
I wish you strength for the coming days.
March 8th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Hugs to you, my dear.
March 8th, 2008 at 7:31 am
I’m so sorry, hon.
March 8th, 2008 at 8:17 am
I’m so sorry to hear this Kelley. I will be praying for you and your family during this difficult time. Much love.
March 8th, 2008 at 8:26 am
*hugggggg*
I’m so sorry… what a crappy wait you’ve got. *sigh* I hope you get some peace from the hordes, at least.
March 8th, 2008 at 8:28 am
Oh hon. Hugs to you.
March 8th, 2008 at 8:51 am
Oh, sweetie, I’m so, so sorry. *hugs*
March 8th, 2008 at 8:51 am
Oh Kelley….
thinking of you.
March 8th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Just “met” you and I already feel pain for you…
sorry you have to go through this.
March 8th, 2008 at 8:59 am
I’m so sorry, Kelley…
March 8th, 2008 at 9:44 am
hugs to you from me too
xx
A
March 8th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Big hugs, light and love to you Kelly.
So sad that you are far away. Forget everything / everyone else. They will still be there next week.
This is about you right now. You and your Nanna, and your family. That is all that matters right now.
((((hugs))))
March 8th, 2008 at 10:13 am
no words just lots of cyber hugs
*hugs*
March 8th, 2008 at 10:23 am
I’m so sorry. That must be so hard. Especially when everyone is pulling you every which way. I’m thinking of you, sweetie.
March 8th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Hugs, hun. You know you can ring if you want.
Thinking of you and the family.
March 8th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Big hugs, lots of chocolate and shiny shoes. I wish I could tell you something that will make everything alright, but at times like this nothing will make everything alright.
March 8th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
OH sweetheart. I am so sorry. SENDING you huge hugs and condolences and a virtual margarita. xoxoxo. Hang in there my friend.
March 8th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
My dear one.
May your heart beat peacefully as your Grandmother finds her eternal peace.
Blessed Be.
March 8th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
(((((hugs)))))
March 8th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Oh Kelley.
I know how hard this is. My own grandmother slipped into a coma and then died a few days later. It was heart wrenching.
May you find peace and strength in the coming days. I’m here if you need me, doll.
March 8th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Thankyou every single one of you. Those that commented here and those that emailed me privately.
I feel truly honoured to know such wonderful caring people.
<3
(I am sure you understand if I don’t reply individually today)
March 8th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Kelley,
Thinking of you and your family. Hoping that you find strength and peace.
March 8th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
I feel what you are going through, I’m there myself.
Sometimes I think your a fly on my wall.
Thanks for putting it into words.
March 10th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Ah Kelley. It just makes me sick. May you survive the Golden Child and the Mother of the Year. May you survive tea that doesn’t seem like nearly enough of a goodbye.
Assuming your grandma was like you, she may have been able to pick her time and her terms. She may have needed her leaving to be a solo journey.
(which now that I read it, sounds trite and all knowing when I don’t know jack. but it’s what I try to think about my own Grandma who also had the dementia.)
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