I am so a Domestic Goddess….
or perhaps Diva.
I haven’t decided yet. Regardless I so totally rock.
Every year I take the week before my birthday off work to do a thorough clean through. As a sort of birthday present to myself. Sick I know, but you know me I am all about the weird and freaky.
Anyway. I had a plan. A magnificent plan.
Cleaning products, gloves, storage containers (at freaking 20% off no less!!) lists and shit.
(Well the shit is constant, and really needs to be cleaned off the walls and toilet paper bedding ASAP or that shit solidifies. Literally.)
But my mate Murphy had other plans.
Yes, my friends, my toe is broken. Another freaking broken toe. So she of the world acclaimed fabulous shoes has been demoted to thongs.
Not these thongs:
These, you pervert. And yes that is so my arse feet.
And can do bugger all. Cause breaking a fucking middle toe is so much more annoying than a big toe. Who knew?
So I am limping around cursing the whole world and trying to just do the basics. With a little vengeful ‘oh, did you want that? Well it was lying in the middle of the floor/on the dining table for a fucking week/hidden in the dark deep recesses of your *ahem* locked cupboard.’ decluttering. Just to make me feel better.
And it does. Cause I am such a biatch.
So because I can’t do Jack Shit, I have decided to be the gourmet Domestic Diva/Goddess/what-evz-yo.
So I bought this:
Cause OMG it comes with a free whiteboard plus pen. So I can like, put it on the fridge and stuff and look sooooo organised!
So with a bucket o’ latte, my new best friend, dark chocolate M&M’s, and Dr Phil ya’lling in the background I start menu planning.
Ooooh yum! Drooling over the pages. Marking each page to make some time. Ohhhh yeah! I am in virtual cooking heaven.
Oh how fabulous does that look! Mmmm. The Mother of the Year Awards committee will be knocking down my door to find out my secrets of my fabulous cooking prowess. Cars will stop in the street, lured by the delicious aromas wafting from my home.
Me, standing at the stove stirring and singing and fucking birds sitting on my shoulder.
Oh, I will be so awesome. And people will bow to my awesomeness.
And my house will be clean and sparkling and I am thin and gorgeous in my smart casual wear with well behaved kids and fabulous shoes while tossing my perfectly groomed hair over my shoulder flashing my perfect white teeth as I prepare an elaborate meal, from scratch, for my equally amazingly perfect friends who flock to my home for my amazing culinary skillz…….
*snap back to reality*
Shit. Is it that time already? Better dust myself off, wipe the drooling chocolate from my chin and go and pick up the kids.
Now where are those 2 for one pizza vouchers?
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46 Responses to “I am so a Domestic Goddess….”
March 4th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Dude. I feel your pain. I broke my pinky toe chasing my stupid college roommates stupid cat. At that time, we were also in a play where we had to wear combat boots, which were very unforgiving to the broken pinky toe.
I fucking hated that cat.
March 4th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Oh OUCH!! Hope it heals real fast. Or not, if it means you get to lounge around and eat chocolate!
BTW, If my bum look that great…. I’d have it plastered ALL over my blog!
Sadly, my bum does not look that great, so I am also of the feet wearing thong brigade! 
March 4th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
OMG, you have the same day dreams as me!
Whodda thunk it?
A broken to e is the worst….. so much pain, yet so little to show to attract sympathy!
March 4th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Ok - am I missing something? Who exactly did you kick to break the toe?
But anyhoo, hope you’re better soon
March 4th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
The Bunny has viewed this blog.
Damn, he’ll be back if you keep showing your ass ;P
Babe, you’re one seriously demented biatch. You clean before your birthday. That’s out there - so farkin’ out there.
I adore you.
March 4th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Ouch - that sounds painful (besides the indignity at having to wear thongs instead of those gorgeous shoes)
how did you do it ? kicking someone without your boots on ?
or like my husband did once he put a tin of pineapple in the toddler seat section of the shopping trolley with the leg flap down - instead of up(when we had no toddler). Of course it fell on my toe(s) not his and it was Friday night - Saturday morning we had a formal wedding to attend and I was out shopping for shoes at 9am….argh I ended up with next to ugliest pair of flat white thongy type heel less shoes on earth.
I hope the pain isn’t too bad.
Cellobella has a beaut and easy recipe for dinner tonight - your daughter could whip it up in no time.
thanks for visiting me
My Little Drummer boys
March 4th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Sorry to hear ’bout your toe Kelley, but I am sure it was someone’s way of telling you taking a week of work to clean the house is just farkin crazy!
I bought that mag too! Thinking that looking at the spiffy pictures would automagically make me a super cooking wizz. Oh well, at least I have the white board to write rude messages on the fridge now.
March 4th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Sonia: So did you kick the cat with the combat boots? It is only fair…. (and before anyone sends me hate mail about that freaking comment IT IS A FUCKING JOKE!) *sigh*
Kelly: LOL, my fake arse is fab isn’t it? Like how I did it in black and white for the arty effect? *snigger*
GoaldeBug: I think every woman but Martha has that daydream…. and you are so right about the sympathy thing! If it was in a cast people would take me seriously that the fucking thing HURTS!
Meg: Oh, so you SAY you are following me on Twitter….. have a look on the side of my blog where the Twitter updates are
Anja: back atcha, and blow a kiss to the Bunny will ya?
Babyamore: Your welcome re the visit! Will be back again tonight (fingers crossed) WHITE FLAT SHOES??? *shudder*
Leigh: Yeah, Boo got home and drew all over it with permanent marker. Bastard.
March 4th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Broke mine a few months ago and it’s still digging its claws in to remind me of who’s the boss in our relationship *sniff*.
Bloody digits!
March 4th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Sympathies on the sore toe - I know how that feels! And the indignity of thongs (on your feet - there’s nothing undignified about that bum). But, as my husband would say - at least they are black and white - that makes them formal thongs!!
March 4th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Ouch!!
Well, at least now you have a good reason to go out and buy all sorts of fabulous thongs - there is definitely no excuse for those tatty black rubber ones.
(9 West usually has fab ones)
March 4th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
1. No cast = no sympathy or assistance (chipped bone in hand = eh doityaself!)
2. I bought that same magazine for the same reason - cool whiteboard to go in ma fridge. Memo to Kelley - magnetic strips do not stay on all that well, and whitemoard makes REALLY scary noises when it pings off in the middle of the night
March 4th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Broken toes huh? See, now, this is why I wear wide comfy flat sneakers 365 days a year…….Never had a broken toe. Heck, never had a broken bone…….
March 4th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Jayne: Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it will bug you for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!! I broke my toe for the first time like 10 years ago and it still bugged me. Until I broke it again…
Guera: Formal thongs…… only in Australia.
Robin: Lets keep that comment to ourselves. They are Moo’s Roxy thongs and they cost her 2 weeks pocket money!
Jodi: *snort* I am so used to weird noises in the night it probably wouldn’t register. Remember the killer Teletubbies???? Doesn’t matter anyway, Boo has destroyed it
River: I was barefoot. Just got out of bed. You wear sneakers to bed? LOL
March 4th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Feel for you, i also know how a broken toe hurts!
Its a pity when we have to snap back to reality!
March 4th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Go over the permanent marker with a whiteboard marker and it takes it off, and even with not much effort. Just kinda scribble over the permanent and it takes it off. Then use whatever to get the whiteboard marker off. And hide the bloody permanent markers. Haven’t you got a lockable cabinet for medicines etc ????
Sorry about the toe. Bugger, bugger, bugger. And its your sanity week to do the housework. Bugger.
Hope it feels better sooner rather than later. Although if you get to eat M&M’s then maybe its not so bad…………
March 4th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahah
guffaw snort sniffle deepbrrathhh hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehhhehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
etc etc etc it stopped being fun when the hehehe’s went off the page…
*chucks Kelley some chokkie* (belgian choc) umm okay it is the seriously good dark stuff… but it should only be used for knees… not toes…
March 5th, 2008 at 12:43 am
hehehehe, I menu planned for the rest of the week today, I make lists though, lots of lists….
Breaking a toe would suck, cos there is absolutely nothing they can do about it. Like noses and fingers! (I broke bones before but bever a toe)
Feel better soon! And maybe you could get a cleaner for your birthday???
March 5th, 2008 at 1:24 am
I’ve never broken a toe. I’ve never broken anything. I am indestrutible!
March 5th, 2008 at 2:08 am
But how did you break your fuckin’ middle toe?
and y’know, I was just thinking I need a whiteboard for my kitchen. I’m trying to figure out if the one in my office will fit in the car.
March 5th, 2008 at 4:07 am
I have never broken a toe, but it sounds painful indeed.
I am ashamed to admit that I have a very expensive whiteboard calendar thingy which keeps me organized fairly well. (hangs head in shame)
But hell yeah, where’s those two for one coupons?
March 5th, 2008 at 4:18 am
Girlfriend, email me for your birthday button code
sonia.sunshine13@gmail.com
you are impossible to track down.
March 5th, 2008 at 4:38 am
Sorry about the toe. Nice ass though. You can post that puppy anytime. Yours or not. And as far as the cookin’ goes, two for one pizza sounds great to me. You are an underwear wearin’, pizza eatin’, beer swillin’ Goddess. And if you want to go commando, that’s o.k. with me.
March 5th, 2008 at 4:43 am
Wow. This post has a lot of comments. I wonder if it has anything to do with you showing your ass. Sorry about the whole toe stumping thing.
March 5th, 2008 at 4:53 am
I so hear you, it’s shit not being able to do stuff because some crappy little bit of you hurts…
Special, virtual, foot enhancing chocolate (Mmm Mmm now there’s an image for you) winging its way to you.
Cheers
BC
March 5th, 2008 at 6:20 am
Tell the truth — you broke your toe kicking someone’s ass, right? Please say yes! ;^) I hope your toe heals quickly and you get back to wearing your fabulous shoes very soon!
And in California we call those thongs “flip-flops” because of the sound they make when you walk in them. And mine are right next to the door.
March 5th, 2008 at 7:25 am
Maybe next year you should pay someone to come and clean for you
Hope the toe gets better soon.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:41 am
I *SO* get you on the need to clean for your birthday.
If I say ‘Nice ass’ will you think I am hitting on you ??
March 5th, 2008 at 11:01 am
I got in!!!!! Your blog is NOT my friend
Anyways, whilst I am allowed here I shall say I’m going to go look for my free whiteboard and get all domestic goddess too …. and I hope your toe gets better really quickly.
xxx
A
I’m going to try to comment on the other posts from the last week but may get booted again
&
my comment count dropped from like 29 to 14 - what happened?
March 5th, 2008 at 11:19 am
I’ll bet you’d feel better if you wore the other thong too. I would…
March 5th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Casdok: Cause the weather is always nice in la la land…
Gemisht: Eating M&M’s while I type. Thanks for the tip re the permanent marker, and yes they are USUALLY put away but MPS feels that those rules don’t apply to him. Bastard.
Frogpondsrock: I think you have surpassed me on the weird chick scale…..
Lulu: But if I get a cleaner I can’t get shoes! Hang on, I can’t wear them *runs off, nay, hobbles off to cry in the corner*
Mr Fabulous: And that is why you are Mr Fabulous. Did you ever get that cape?
Ree: teasing me with the shoe gravatar……. wrap the whiteboard in feminine hygiene products and no one will notice you carrying it out to the car.
Gina: Why be ashamed? Nothing is going to keep me organised methinks. Unless I get that PA *drools on keyboard* great, now something else I have to clean.
Sonia: Hmmmm, weird. I have a page up the top that is called Talk To Me with a contact form. Did you not see it? Or is it not working. Might have to work out how to make the font bigger… Emailing you now.
Iceel: EWWWWWWWW!!!!! I don’t drink beer! *gaffaw*
Leon: Um, thanks?
BC: Just caught it. Mmmmm
Beth: They are thongs. We will edu-macate you Yanks yet. Wish I was kicking someones arse at the time, but sadly not.
Jenty: You gunna bankroll that? Ta!
Widdle Shamrock: Only if it was my arse. I have an arse like that, hiding somewhere…..
Angel: I don’t know why that is happening to some people. Happened to me on Sat and Bettina last week. How am I EVER going to get to 100 comments on a single post if the bloody thing keeps hanging on people! Sheesh. The comment thing resets every what-ever-the-freaking-thing-decides-is-a-good-time. So you need to keep commenting
VE: But do you have an arse like that? And more importantly can you send me photos?
March 5th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
You should be getting commission on sales for that damned magazine! I went out to buy one yesterday, specially for the whiteboard, so I could play domestic goddess just like you, and there were none left!
DAMMIT!
March 5th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
OMG things have come full circle. PLEASE don’t tell your mother about this toe!!!!
Hope it feels better soon and I am SO jealous. I want that magazine. Just Dave can’t have too many hints before he gets the message and you know by then, they’ll be sold out because of the excellent whiteboard deal.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:57 am
A woman after my own heart. Although, I must admit, I would not waste a week of precious vacation cleaning. Not when it’s so much easier to walk around the mess.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:49 am
Man, I can relate to the clean house liberating feeling. If only I could get off my ass and do it!
So sorry to hear about your toe! Ouch! That sounds awful….I can’t belive you’re broken 2 already. Are you a crazy dancer/gymnast/ kickboxer?
March 6th, 2008 at 5:43 am
Note to self… never ever break my toe!
And dark chocolate m&m’s? They sound blinking gorgeous!
March 6th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Twitter - oh yeah, I forgot about Twitter. Such a distraction… But now I know
March 6th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
GoaldeeBug: and then I see it advertised on TV all the time! Bwaaaa haaaa haaaaaa! Next time I will take out shares. Do you think the same thing happened with the Moon Cup?
Tiff: Shit yeah! Didn’t think of that! Better keep it out of the way of rouge 4wheel drives too.
Candy: Or walk into the mess and break a toe…
Sandy: I wish. Got the crazy part but my exercise equipment serves one purpose. Somewhere to hang shit.
Kath: They are *drool* worthy!
Meg: LOL, I have my tweets in the sidebar. Keep up babe, there will be a test.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Everything after that first pic is a blur.
March 6th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Im back again! Theres an award for you over at mine!
March 6th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Anyone notice bilateral themes developing here? One around housework, mostly from women, one around the arse shot, mostly from men (guessing). lol!
March 6th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Diesel: The hair is pretty isn’t it? I wonder what conditioner she uses….
Casdok: Sweet!! On my way over.
Jodieodie: *snort* you are right!!
March 7th, 2008 at 1:37 am
I bought that same magazine today too -for a cool white board to go on my fridge and to write me some RULZ.
I still don’t think you told us how you broke your toe ?
March 7th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
ouch. I was breaking a couple of toes a year at one stage (no I wasn’t drunk I had nerve damage in my footsies making me clumsy). hurt like a bitch when the nerves were feeling pain. You have my sympathies.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
but not my slaves.
They are mine!! mine I tells ya!!
March 8th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I broke two toes a few years back.
I kicked a cow. The cow didn’t seem to mind. She just moved and then stepped squarely on my other foot. And then she kinda hopped up and down, laughed maniacally *MOOOOWHHAHAHAHOOO* and licked her lips as she wandered off.
To add insult to injury she started to pee and it splattered my now bruised and broken toes.
I had a deep freezer filled with tasty cow not long after that.
Take that you mooing beyotch!
(Not you, the cow.)
Hope your toe heals quickly.
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