Just call me Nadia. Or Ms Comaneci.
Cause if cleaning the bath was an Olympic sport I just scored a perfect 10.
Synchronized scrubbing? Marathon? Heck, just give me a medal in each category. Cause that bastard was baaaaaad.
Like this.
Well not quite, but man, how can 5 people make such a freaking mess in a week?
Could have something to do with the fact that the bath is almost as big as my bed. No normal freaking bath for this household. Nooooo, a 3 person SPA with the shower over the top. And something desperately wrong with the pipes cause we get a hair mouse outta it at least twice a week. And it clogs. All. the. fucking. time.
So armed with half a block of chocolate and a bucket o latte ingested for energy and these:
MPS’s toothbrush The Specialist Cleaning Device is fantastic for getting into the ikky bits.
I start the assault. In my bathers. Cause I have to get IN the bastard to clean it.
Random children wander in and out to watch the show.
‘You missed a spot’
‘Whatcha doin”
‘Hey, Mum, where is my…..’
‘Your bum wobbles when you scrub like that’
‘Can you do the breaststroke?’
I ignore them. Along with the crashing sounds coming from the kitchen. And the smell of mustard wafting down the hallway.
And Boo saying ‘Oh-Oh’
The colours of the bath would be pretty if I wasn’t so pissed. Moo and Too had a sports carnival on Thursday. And came home covered in blue and green paint.
Moo missed a spot.
Now this is not just any old ordinary paint people. Noooooo, this morning I was informed that it was spray paint. From the panel beaters.
Yes. My language was as colourful as my bath.
So it was mission critical that I get the purdy colours off the bath. Thankfully they were stuck to the grime from the clogged drain and the stubby little hairs from Moo and Too shaving their legs.
So I worked up a sweat glow scrubbing and spent the whole time plotting revenge wondering how many calories this activity is burning. Hmmm, a half block of fruit and nut chocolate?
Sigh. Gleaming. And clean. For now.
And then Moo walks in. A look of sadness on her face.
‘Mum. Boo is scratching his head.’
Fuck.
I cry.
This will be my friend tonight.
And then this.
A freaking lot of this.
At least he is being social.
This will be my mantra. While I hog tie him to the floor.
**********************************
edited to add: It was a false alarm. After ripping all of our hair out, tears, tantrums and numerous stints in the rocking corner, not a bugger to be found. Happy that we are crawling bastard free (why, oh WHY do I start to itch just thinking about it???) but pissed that we had to go through it. Got my revenge. Scrubbing the paint off Moo’s back with a scrubbing brush…… bwaaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaa!!!
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27 Responses to “Just call me Nadia. Or Ms Comaneci.”
February 23rd, 2008 at 10:06 pm
ok… wanna come over and clean my bath? It’s a lot easier than yours! No? Oh, it was wort a try though right?
Hope you’re enjoying your wine now!
February 23rd, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Love the before shot
I don’t know if you run spa cleaner through your spa - it’s scary the crap that comes out 
Having a glass of Traminer Reisling myself (Wyndham Estate). Cheers!
February 23rd, 2008 at 11:42 pm
At first I thought, Wow! that murder scene is so creative, did he stash the rest of the body parts in other areas like arms behind the toilet, head hanging from the shower, then I read further and found he’d used auto spray paint and wondered how the heck you were going to get it off. Looks like he could have a great future as a special FX person in the film industry. (Have you seen that movie FX-Murder by Illusion starring Bryan Brown?) I do realise Boo makes so much extra work for you and sympathise, but gee! the creative genius lurking in there is just so….so….brilliant.
February 23rd, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Oh and your specialist cleaning device looks amazingly like mine. Heh.
February 24th, 2008 at 12:17 am
I use my toothbrush for so many things. I always crack up when people buy special brushes for their eyebrows, and get sold some stupid bottle of “eyebrow” stay put…
Use a toothbrush, squirt some hairspray on that puppy, and you are good to go.
I think that I have few wrinkles and no gray hair because I have no children. I am thinking of keeping it that way.
February 24th, 2008 at 12:23 am
oh my gosh - you definitely deserve a medal - any medal! I don’t envy you on either count!! Hope everything and everyone stays clean for at least a little while!
February 24th, 2008 at 12:29 am
your blog doesn’t seem to like me today *sob*
good luck with the nit treatment, I’ve taken to just treating everyone weekly of late just in case :S
have a pressie for you at my place
February 24th, 2008 at 12:35 am
Get some car wax, and rub it over your tiles. It’ll help the soap and gunk slide right off. Just run a warm shower over it to clean. Obviously don’t do this to the bottom of the bath, or you’ll end up looking like the first picture (which is remarkably gross).
February 24th, 2008 at 2:30 am
Hey we use the same nit treatment. Nads combs are the best and easiest to use IMHO.
I feel bonded.
February 24th, 2008 at 3:07 am
Your pictures say it all!!
February 24th, 2008 at 3:26 am
oh, not more nits! i hope the wine was good. (then, it always is…)
February 24th, 2008 at 6:10 am
I had to laugh as I read your blog…the deranged laughter of a woman who has survived long enough to enjoy an empty nest (Don’t buy into that BS about the sadness of the empty nester… I love my children, but an empty nest is not a bad thing…) I do not envy you the task of “tiny livestock management” as I prefer to call it (sounds so much more dignified than saying “Getting rid of those &*^ F’n lice!”)
February 24th, 2008 at 7:03 am
You and me on nit patrol this week, eh?
February 24th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Marilyn: Not on your life. The wine was well earnt methinks.
Meg: Cheers!! The first time I ran the spa cleaner through (when we moved in) I actually vomited. I wasn’t expecting all that *vomit* yellow shit that came out…..
River: Um, you are joking aren’t you? The murder scene wasn’t my bath. If it was this post would be coming from the padded room!
Absurdist: You brush your eyebrows? Dang. I knew there was something I was missing.
Cathy: I have decided to shower the children outside. With the hose. Just to keep it clean.
Bettina: Squweeee!!! Pressies!!! Why doesn’t my blog like you? What happened?
Solomon: But if I do the bottom of the bath it would be mightily entertaining. Especially if I hook up the video camera.
Cellobella: Bonded over murder by suffocation….
Casdok: *snort* as does your comment!
Magpie: Oh the wine….. magnificent. Some days you just NEED it!
Deb: You can say fucking here *snigger* we are all potty mouthed.
Karen: Sucks huh?
February 24th, 2008 at 11:40 am
I must admit, I was wondering as soon as I saw that pic, thought it MIGHT be possible…
That Specialist Cleaning Device is awesome. You should market it. Cleans bums AND bathrooms. Noice.
February 24th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
I just opened a bottle myself. How ’bout I come over and we climb in that nice clean tub all by ourselves?
February 24th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
You drink Sacred Hill. You farkin’ legend!
I’ve done many a bottle some serious damage.
And due to its affordability, you can always have two on hand.
February 24th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
You girls actually sprayed themselves with spray paint?? That is pretty hardcore. I am actually impressed that most of it came off.
February 24th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
I know why it’s really clean though. Everyone here is the USA have been told there is no more water in Australia and the population has been forced to take dirt baths instead. You can keep your tub pretty clean when you head out into the outback to freshen up…
February 24th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I am ultra impressed with your cleanliness.
I have 1 ticket for you to NSW.
Come clean for me?
Pleeeeese?
No?
Then how about just coming for a visit - I live in the Hunter Valley… good wine around every corner! LOL
No?
How ’bout I just tell how thankful I am to not have nits here at the moment?
not good either…
okay,
ummm…
luv ya, babe
February 24th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I think I have bathtub envy. ;^) And I’m so happy your son didn’t have lice! Dodged a bullet on that one!!
February 24th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Now you do realise I have a habit of EATING while I’m reading blogs don’t you. DON’T YOU???? That was kinda disgusting woman!!!!
We have a corner spa like that too.
I gotta climb in it to clean it. Mostly it just needs a wipe around the edges though. I must have clean kids. Oh yeah, it’s summer. Not enough water to USE it!!!! So they have to use the shower (we have one over the bath and a separate one). So it’s mostly wiping dust off.
Glad the nits were a false alarm. Touch wood I haven’t had to venture down that path with my kids. HOW we have avoided it to date I do not know because the school has plenty of problems. Of course, I am NOT complaining.
February 24th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Naomi: Unfortunately, it is only MY toothbrush that Boo deigns desirable for the rectal cleaning.
Ree: Sweet. You bringing the chocolate too?
Anja: My hot Indian waiter recommended it. It is very noice.
Riayn: The girls are impressed that you used the term ‘hard core’, they like to think that they are hardcore.
VE: Nah, we bathe in wine. Wine is still cheap here.
Tiff: Love ya too. Packing my bags….
Beth: Yeah, well, I fell in love with the bathroom when we first saw the place, but now I am all Meh. I have used the spa only a couple of times cause it is so freaking big it is a waste of water.
Lightening: Usually it doesn’t need any more than a wipe over while I am conditioning my hair. But dirty feet, blocked drain, little spiky leg hairs and freaking spray paint meant a major Olympic performance.
February 25th, 2008 at 12:10 am
Ohhh your specialist cleaning device is just like the one I used to use to clean the cat bowl with…while the ex-hubby was still using it to clean his fangs
February 25th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Remind me I need to clean ours - nowhere near as nice as your bath and only used by little male animals.
Your blog hated me yesterday too
Slow today but at least it did load for me.
February 25th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
just got it… been wondering for a while why someone had written “redrum” with some of the letters backwards in your bathroom.
Part of the Magneto lexicon, I had assumed.
Now it’s all clear. Still it does make you wonder. Why would someone write backwards when they were dying?
odd.
February 26th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Laughed? I nearly sh*t… but no! Surely not in the clean loo!
Love the shining thing going on there… too.
Cheers
BC
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