I have lead a sheltered life.
Last night I was edu-ma-cated.
In the horror that is the douche bag.
Was minding my own business, having a little break from the monotony that is the life of a mother of 3 lazy fucking bloodsuckers children and wandered over to Boobs, Injuries and Dr Pepper.
And was shocked and horrified and laughed so much I peed a little. Probably requiring the services of said douche bag.
I am not totally sheltered. I have heard of douches. Just didn’t realise that they came in the handy bag version.
That apparently mothers hung from their showers. And small children tried to blow them up like balloons.
I will wait a minute for that visual to burn into your mind and come back to haunt you at the most inopportune time. Like parent teacher conferences or in line at the supermarket. Or during your next Pap Smear.
So I went to google images.
And to add more horror to the situation, the very first thing that came to mind was ‘I could make that’
Yeah. I did. Shit, I am warped. But frugal! Yay me! And what the fuck?
I blame my mother. The ultimate sheltered woman.
We were out shopping one day and I had to buy some tampons. While I was perusing the selections - pretty box, super-sized, ribbed for her pleasure - Mum whispered to me:
‘How to you go to the toilet when you have one of those things, um, you know, in?’
‘Huh?’
‘Well you must go through a lot of them, and that is such a waste of money, having to take it out every time you need to go to the toilet. Or do they soak up that as well’
‘Um, what? What do you mean?’ Slow on the uptake here.
‘Shit Kelley, do they soak up the wee as well?’ she stares at me frustrated at my lack of comprehension.
The penny drops. As does my jaw.
‘Mum, you realise that there are three holes down there don’t you?’
‘Don’t be stupid Kelley. Sheesh!’
I suppress the urge to burst into fits of school girl giggles and tell her I am in a hurry, can we discuss this in the car.
So in the carpark of Safeway, on a Wednesday afternoon, I educated my, then 50 year old mother, on the female anatomy.
Not a conversation I expected to have. Will have to have a chat about the Easter Bunny soon methinks.
Popularity: 72% [?]
36 Responses to “I have lead a sheltered life.”
February 16th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
LOL
So… when’s the education session on douchebags?
February 16th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
*snigger* Well, that headline certainly caught my attention. You’re not someone who’d I’d have considered to have led a “sheltered” life. That would be me.
That must have been a rather embarrassing moment for your poor mother. I know, I’m not supposed to feel sorry for your mother. But I have this illness you see….where I tend to feel sorry for people rather easily.
February 16th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
it’s the funny the things that people don’t know that we consider so basic!
February 16th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Too funny … at least she gives you some good blog stories to tell
xx
February 16th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
It is really embarrassing when you have to fill your parents in on the facts of life. I will never forget the conversation I had with my mother about lesbians in the bedroom, nor her comment, “So, are you are practising lesbian?”
February 16th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
OMG. This is classic WT Mom fodder. You are a WT rockstar, really.
February 16th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Naomi: I will let you deal with that one. Rule 34 has sent me into a tail spin and I. Just. Don’t. Wanna. Know.
Lightening: Read this again please:
http://www.magnetoboldtoo.com/2007/10/17/and-then-i-got-hit-by-a-car/
and then we can talk about feeling sorry for her, k?
Bettina: Huh? So you use one of these things? OK instruction manual please…. no photos though.
Angel: Only reason why I haven’t baked her a bitter almond torte.
Riayn: OMG that would have been an interesting conversation to witness! My workmate is so homophobic it is hilarious. Some shit about they can do what they want but not in my backyard. Idiot. Her backyard is so full of weeds….
Whitetrashmom: WT rockstar? W00T!
February 16th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
You’re really really sure she wasn’t winding you up? Seriously?
*shaking head in wonder*
February 16th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Bugger. You’ve shown us the picture but not said how the bag works. Now I have to go googling…….
February 16th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Cracks me up!
Theres a party at mind if you have time to pop over!!
February 16th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
omg… seriously?! I can’t believe any woman WOULDNT know that! LOL
February 16th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
talking about your mum and the tampons being something basic that we take for granted everyone knows……….. struth blimey charlie! I wouldn’t have a clue how to use a douche bag! And I wouldnt’ know how to make one either
February 16th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Robin: No she wasn’t. It was mind boggling!!!
River: I don’t want to know. I have an idea…. *shudder*
Casdok: Phew what a party!!!
Marilyn: Yes, well… neither did I.
Bettina: LMAO. Sorry babe! Make one would be easy! I have a hot water bottle that exact colour and one of those shower hoses….
February 16th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
Ah see, great (warped) minds think alike, cause the first thing I thought of was hot water bottle too with a shower hose and possibly a syringe without the middle part…….
And how uncomfortable having *that* discussion with your Mum - eeuuuwwww
February 16th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
I can imagine what they are used for … I was a nurse.
Your Mum sounds very sweet … I can just imagine the priceless look on her face and the unique way you explained it .
Those are the kind of conversations you just don’t want to have with your mother … or MIL (mine tried to tell me about her three org@siums in 25 yrs.
February 16th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
ewwwwww eewwwwww eewwwwwww
I DO. NOT!!!! talk sex with anyone remotely related to me!!
February 16th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
and yes it does look like a hot water bottle with a shower hose lmao but I wouldn’t try to make it myself lol
February 17th, 2008 at 1:51 am
jaw has landed on floor.
how exactly did your mother conceive you? did you ask her?
February 17th, 2008 at 5:21 am
Oh, how embarrassing! Just think of what other basic information your mom doesn’t know. Mind-boggling.
February 17th, 2008 at 6:25 am
LMAO, I can just imagine how uncomfortable that conversation must have been.
February 17th, 2008 at 6:57 am
oh boy.
and my stepmom had one of those in the shower - always - and wouldn’t explain what it was for - with 4 kids in the house I have to wonder what things happened to it that she didn’t know about.
February 17th, 2008 at 7:44 am
Oh, our poor sheltered parents.
On the other hand, she probably could have taught you all about the wonders of the douchebag.
February 17th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Aw fuck, Kelley. As if the picture sending me into gales of laughter wasn’t enough (and Yes! my mother DID hang hers off of the shower head. But I swear, I NEVER EVER tried to blow it up. I did, however, fill it with water to make awesome splashes!) - the conversation about tampons with your mother? Definitely piss worthy.
I swear some day, you’re going to pick up your phone and hear me say, “Just make me laugh you fuckin twit.” … You’ll know it’s me, right?
February 17th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Gemisht: The worst part is she wouldn’t believe me!!
Trish: My mother ain’t sweet. Check out the post I sent Lightening to!
Bettina: Oh but you will. Soon you will. Those convo’s with my daughters that make my head want to splatter all over the wall and I have to act all cool like…..
And I am not planning on making one, *snort*
Magpie: Immaculate conception. Isn’t it obvious?
I am the shoe messiah.
Beth: I don’t even want to go there. She still thinks that I am a virgin….. bwaaaaaa haaaaa haaaaa!
Jenty: Mmmmm, you think? I had to use terms like front bottom.
Dawn: *gaffaw* ask will ya? And then let me know!
Jenny: Somehow I don’t think she owned one. She was a big baby powder girl. Dryness? You betcha.
Ree: You betcha. And then I will call the cops cause how the fuck did you get my phone number? You got buddies at those Indian call centres?
February 17th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Wow. I’m totally dreading the day I have to educate my daughter in such things. I am soooooo glad I don’t have to do that for my mother. And if I did, she’d be on her own. Because ummm…. ew.
February 17th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Oh. My. GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Too much info, too much info, too much info!
February 17th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
My mother has a daughter who studied medicine and she STILL will not believe you don’t pee out your vagina.
She also thinks that you shouldn’t raise your arms over your head when you’re pregnant or the baby will get strangled with the umbilical cord.
Kelley, here’s what you do:
Tell mummy to take a whizz on daddy and he can tell her for certain. Nothing like a bit of ‘watersports’ to liven up the marriage.
Alternatively, she can get a hand-mirror and check it out for herself.
February 17th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
AmyM: It is pretty painless educating daughters. they learn a lot from school any way. When I had the discussion with my girls they were all like ‘yes mum, I know…..’
Tiff: I think I was very coy! I could have produced diagrams…. *snigger*
Anja: OMG yes! My neighbour saw me hanging curtains in the nursery and said that I would strangle the baby. Then told me I caused his apnea and then Autism by lifting my arms up. And having sex….
February 17th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Oh lordy. Did you tell your neighbour that his/her mother obviously did a lot worse to cause such general stupidity? Crack-whore, maybe?
February 18th, 2008 at 5:34 am
Three holes? Nah! You don’t say. LOL.
I Would never have this conversation with my mother. I’d rather be beaten with a studded bat first.
February 18th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
wow that would be a strange conversation to listen in on
February 19th, 2008 at 5:46 am
Laughing…. still laughing…. still lau-shit! I think I’ve wet my pants!
Cheers
BC
February 20th, 2008 at 8:26 am
I have often told my wife that, “These kids think they invented this stuff.” Usually said in relation to sex. And then I’ll think to myself, “I bet my parents thought the same thing about us.” However, in dealing with my 82 year old mother, I now know for sure that those of us who grew up in the 50’s and early 60’s DID invent this stuff.
March 4th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
I sympathise, my mother was also the msot naive woman on earth. She was brought up in a very prim an proper household and there was never any talk of anything to do with sex or sexual organs. I got the shock of my life when I got my first period, I can tell you! thought I was going to die!
March 10th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
[…] Kelley, also a great video on there for your mum. You should SO get get her one of those puppets for Mother’s Day! Stumble it! […]
April 21st, 2008 at 1:17 am
I REALLY wanna meet your mum.
Leave a Comment