As the year draws to a close…..
……..I reflect on the year passed.
A Whoa Nelly Fuck-me-dead kinda year.
The year started badly. Really really badly.
And got steadily worse.
But I don’t want to dwell on it. I will just say that MPS is a lucky fucker that I didn’t stab him in the eye with a fork while he slept. Cause that woulda taken some es-plaining. ‘Sorry officer, I was eating steak in bed and I kinda slipped….oh, what’s that? You read my blog and know that I have only ever cooked steak once in my life and did it in a fit of channeling June Cleaver? Well, I was cutting the steak up for my husband, who is bleeding from the eye socket over there….. who am I kidding? Slap those handcuffs on me baby, here use mine, they match my shoes…..’
But I did a lot of running the cold tap while he was in the shower….. bwaaaa haaaa haaaa
So I will think about the coming year. The kick-arse-fan-freaking-tastic Year Of Kelley.
No resolutions. My family resolve every year to break my resolutions, bastards, so here is some for them. Entitled:
Chez Magneto Bolds 10 Commandments.
1. Thou shalt not sit on the toilet with the door open, fan off, and use all the fucking paper without replacing the roll.
And no freaking using-up-to-the-last-square-and-then-ripping-some-off-the-new-roll- so-you-don’t-have-to-replace-it shit. Or I will whip you with the toilet brush. Just after I have cleaned the toilet.
Oh, and while I’m on the subject. For all that is good on God’s green earth FLUSH! There is nothing worse than someone else’s piss splash back.
2. Thou shalt not complain that you have nothing to wear and then empty your floordrobe in the laundry, expecting The Almighty Mummy to wash it all. Including the shit that is still freaking folded. Be warned, you pull that crap and I will return it to your room. After I have farted on it.
3. Thou shalt do what I say. When I say. End of conversation. I can rain war and pestilence and no freaking phone credit or internet access on your arse.
4. Thou shalt not touch Almighty Mummy’s computer. Unless given permission. And asking me while I am half asleep or before my first bucket-o-latte does not constitute permission. I am not held responsible for anything I say during these times. Or when I am holding new shoes. I am speaking in tongues, not saying yes to you.
5. Thou shalt open freaking EYES or move shit when looking for things. Standing in the middle of the room waiting for said item to jump out at you will not work. Unless it is the back of my hand. That’ll work.
6. Thou shalt put away clothes properly. This does not mean the end of the bed or on the floor. Unless it is in your own room. Then I don’t give a shit what you do as long as said clothes do not end up back in the laundry. See Commandment #2.
7. Thou shalt not ask for money within 6 hours of saying no to the Almighty Mummy. The Almighty Mummy has a looooooong freaking memory. Any reference to elephants will end in tears. Yours. When I take away your ipods and replace your Emo music with my favourite techno. (this will be hard to enforce as we actually like the same music)
8. Thou shalt do homework before playing on the computer. Oldest infidel, you are in VCE now. You have homework every night. Yes you do. I will ring your teachers. And invite them over. And they will come cause I can be very persuasive. Infidel-that-was-born-second (cause apparently ‘middle child’ fucks up psyches or somesuch. I prefer using my own methods) you don’t get off easy. Your friends got more honours than you did last year. What the fuck? I don’t care that you got six A’s and the rest were B’s. More study for you. *snort*
9. Thou shalt not walk in the room and start talking at me when I am blogging. This really really pisses the Almighty Mummy off. You will walk in, kneel on the floor with eyes averted until your presence is acknowledged. Wear knee pads. It could be a long wait.
10. Thou shalt love everything that I cook. And then praise the Almighty Mummy for her culinary prowess, even if it is soup. From a can. That you reheated yourself. I bought the bastard and you will bow to me.
11. Thou shalt not stand in front of a full fridge and/or pantry and bitch that there is nothing to eat. I am not a fucking mind reader and the store doesn’t stock ‘I don’t know’. I asked. They don’t. Have an apple.
Yeah, yeah, that was 11. But do you really think any of them will be followed?
I would be happy with just number one. OMG would I be happy with just number 1. Of the number 1’s and 2’s. Yeah that would be good.
Happy New Year my internet lovelies. Now go forth and resolve to resolve tonight. And then pop back here and let me know what you decided to give up do to make 2008 better so I can hold you to it and tease you mercilessly when you break the resolution by 1pm on the first of January cheer you on.
Mwwwaaaa! Looking forward to spending 2008 with you.
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31 Responses to “As the year draws to a close…..”
December 31st, 2007 at 8:20 pm
roflmfao!!
Love the commandments.
As for resolutions - I got some shit I’d like to do, but I’m really fond of my list of things not to do again………. like getting arrested or setting my kitchen alight or hitting a skippy with my car……… that kinda shit.
December 31st, 2007 at 8:22 pm
Happy new year kelley, heres hoping that you are surounded by shoes, lattes and a happy year ahead..
hugs
nicole
p.s making no resoloutions so nothing to break…
December 31st, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Ahahaha! Another awesome post. May you write many more of them in 2008.
December 31st, 2007 at 9:18 pm
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December 31st, 2007 at 9:29 pm
Oh dear, I resolve to not spit any more champagne on my keyboard as I read you. Is that okay?
There is something on my blog for you!
December 31st, 2007 at 9:48 pm
ROFLMAO OMG that cracked me up. Had to read them to hubby. He is now PMHL.
Have a great New Year & May 2008 be freaking awesome for you & yours.
P.S. did you see my shoe charm. posted a piccy just 4 u
December 31st, 2007 at 11:21 pm
There is nothing worse than someone else’s piss splash back…
Not so. It’s worse when they piss directly in your mouth.
December 31st, 2007 at 11:44 pm
I love you and my face hurts!! You seriously crack me up. I’m glad I don’t live in your house, come from your loins OMG did I actually say that! Oh to be a fly on the wall when you tell them the new rules - how hard do you think they’ll laugh? Oooooo maybe they’ll get some of their own piss splash back trying not to wet themselves……..
January 1st, 2008 at 12:32 am
Number 5. I’m sooooooo stealing #5.
January 1st, 2008 at 6:43 am
Think I might steal #5 as well. And #1, yes!
All the best for 2008 to you - hope things just keep on improving for you.
January 1st, 2008 at 6:48 am
HAppy New Year!
I may have to laminate number 9 for the husband!
Can’t wait to read about 2008 with you!
January 1st, 2008 at 8:40 am
Happy New Year Kelley! Hope this year is twice as kick-arse-fan-freaking-tastic!
I don’t do resolutions either, I will just forget all about them in 4 days anyway.
January 1st, 2008 at 9:20 am
God I would so be happy with just #1 being enforced in our house. I hate hate hate the smell of someone elses shit sitting in the toilet waiting for me to flush it.
January 1st, 2008 at 9:40 am
Happy New Year and all that.
I tagged you for a little meme.
Yeah, I know. Good on me.
January 1st, 2008 at 10:18 am
Best of luck enforcing the commandments. You already know what my ‘things to do in 2008′ are and are already on my back about them
January 1st, 2008 at 12:23 pm
ROFLMFAO PMSL
Lordy Kelley you are a damn fine wordsmith!
The eldest fruit of my loins lives out of home but she STILL brings her washing home…and yes, it’s still folded from last time LMAO.
#1 is being printed and superglued to my dunny door…
January 1st, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I wish I could even pretend that any of these would work in my house. I hope 2008 is great for you!
January 1st, 2008 at 3:16 pm
We have a chronic #1 type in our house (and he knows who he is), how often do I find one square of paper left on the toilet roll? Or for that matter, a few drops of milk in the carton, OJ in the OJ bottle, 2 grams of ham left in the fridge, etc. Same child is also guilty of #11. The other one is guilty of #2 and #6.
January 1st, 2008 at 6:51 pm
So funny, Kelly and how I can relate to all you say. I only have one of my 4 at home this week. Tomorrow he is heading off with his dad overnight so D and I have the house to ourselves for the first time in 5 years - although for me this is probably the first time in 26 years, since I brought my first born home from hospital.
Although there have been fewer to look after the last few days, because the mess has been much less I have been able to ignore it and have done virtually nothing round the house. Bliss.
House to ourselves - whooo yippee. Now what can we do with ourselves I wonder? Maybe best if no-one answers that one
PS - sorry about the link to the quiz not working Kelly - reason being - the link is not there any more and I had pressed published by mistake - the post had been in draft.
My resolution for 2008 - it is going to be a good one, whatever life throws in its way.
January 1st, 2008 at 7:33 pm
*wipes tears of mirth from eyes* Could you please, pretty, pretty please, publish these commandments in some format and make it so that they are taught in every single school? You must have been eavesdropping in my house, and the house of every other mother in the world!
January 1st, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Floordrobe!?!?!?! I am SO going to use that on my third born (aka middle child) Tha describes her room to a T
Happiest of New Years to you, my friend!
January 1st, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Ha… best New Years post so far.
Have a great 08.
January 1st, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Dear Tiny Little Baby Jesus:
I want to be the newest, bestest friend of this funny woman. Make it happen. Amen.
January 2nd, 2008 at 12:40 am
Good luck enforcing the commandments - looks down at swelling stomach, bloody hell! What have I done? - and here’s to a fine and dandy 2008 for you. Oh dear, my husband has just found my hat in the freezer… I put it there last week to kill the moths and forgot about it. Oops, ‘better go.
Cheers
BC
January 2nd, 2008 at 2:49 am
Happy New Year!
January 2nd, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Oh my GAWD! I so wish I could kick back with you and have a drink! Great list! Happy New Year!
January 2nd, 2008 at 1:46 pm
roflmfao
My kids actually just got off their arses to see what I was laughing about - I made a point of scrolling and stopping at Number 9 while they were here (surely school holidays are nearly over)
These were great - thanks for sharing and the laugh
January 4th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Happy (belated, ugh) New Year!
You crack my ass up, woman! Almighty Mummy indeed!
January 5th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
I heard about these on Aussie Bloggers. These are hilarious … might print the teen a copy. They rock !
I have yet to write my New Year Intentions … decided making resolutions are a waste of head space.
I think you would be a hoot to have a drink with too.
Oh yes I am a copy cat have a great O8 !
cheers.
January 6th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Sounds like you’ve been peaking in my house, all those things apply here too (except the bit about blogging, can I change that to sewing??) Have only starting reading your blog tonight after Boneblower raved about how funny you are. Loving what I have read so far. Thanks for the laugh.
January 20th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
[…] ‘The Almighty Mummy’ is a title she definitely deserves and I am honoured to be her friend. […]
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